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I completely understand. Ill be honest i use my job as a means to clear my head. Honestly i hate my job and everyone ive had before it. I know now its not the job its me. I build transmissions for a living and there are so few people left in my field that it has made me very successful (financially in work) but i get absolutely no enjoyment out of it. Im just waiting out to pay off my house and build a small shop on my property so i can quit. Honestly to get by i put headphones in and listen to my audible account which i now have like 250 titles on. the combination of constant noise in my ears and keeping my hands busy rebuilding helps me forget or just block out the negative thoughts. I would love to find something out there for me i can enjoy waking up and going to. maybe one day

So I am curious on what works for others dealing with CPTSD? i attempted Wellbutrin first and while after i got a mix ( after 5 months back and forth with my general practitioner )  that finally helped temper the anger. I should probably mention after 25 years of burying my feelings i had developed quite the violent outburst reactions to damm near everything. I was quite good ( or at least i thought i was) at hiding it from my kids, i know my wife took a hard shielding of me during this time until i had my breaking point and my eyes were finally open. Although i wouldn't change it now, after i realized the Wellbutrin was making me a zombie i stopped and turned to talk therapy. (According to my neuro therapy specialist she was not performing it properly) she performed EMDR multiple times on me and one weekend i had a full blown panic attack or that's what i guess it was. I went to bed and awoke violently and i could see and remember almost every single incident in detail. I could not stop it at all and i was bedridden for 3 days. This was the point where the anger left my body and a deep depression fell over me. Luckily i have issues with sugar ( which i believe to be inherent from my childhood which i can only say without context everyday was life and death) so i don't drink alcohol but i turned to weed. i grow and still smoke everyday after work so i don't get angry. its legal here and i have a medical card but i feel guilty every time. I wake up every morning and exercise, go on walk and meditate and do yoga and to be honest i feel very foolish doing them and constantly think that this doesn't work. Hard exercise will clear my head sometimes but just for a little bit. This is why I'm so fidgety i guess i always have to be doing something so the thoughts don't enter. I guess the one thing i really want to know is has anyone used psilocybin. My failed therapist once suggested it as a new field they are researching. I was having a really bad month about a year ago and I decided to get a hold of a bar. Now i did take a god mode dose ( was in a real bad way mentally ) and i can not express how amazing  it worked. Im not saying it fixed me or anything like that but when i was at my breaking point i took it and the relief i felt was like drinking ambrosia. It made everything go back. all anxiety was gone and even after the effects wore off it was almost 2-3 weeks of absolutely nothing in my head. It did make me remember more stuff but didnt trigger me at all. I attempted to microdose after the fact once it started creeping back into my head but i dont like the way i feel on it. however this sparks the next part is the guilt i feel. just saying it out loud gives me anxiety and fear of being judged. I now keep 2 bars in my freezer that have been in there for months now but i keep as a kinda " break glass in case of fire" tool. So curious what works for you?

So I'm sure like many of you I've been down the never ending cycle of being re triggered. I have been diagnosed with cPTSD but was never really explained about much with the first therapist. First my medical practitioner decided to put me on Wellbutrin and check in with me 2 months down the road at a time. This didn't work and was terrible to deal with on my own. Next i went to talk therapy where she tried to perform EMDR in multiple ways (The hand vibrators, with a pencil, with the lights) this made is worse and she cancelled almost 2 months of appointments during our sessions where triggering was lightly putting the flashbacks i saw. I gave up on the second therapist as i only felt worse every time we met, i took myself off the Wellbutrin as it made me feel like a zombie. I tried 2 years of neurotherapy as well as having my brain mapped. funny how many lines on that test had TBI listed on them but anyways i thought it was getting better for a while but then like everything else it felt like i was going thru the motions again. yes i can control the screen and make it bigger but here i am again on another Monday morning not having slept but for 3 hours ( I also suffer from insomnia) and i feel like i did as a child, i wake up feeling helpless and scared, sometimes i sit there and negative talk myself to the point of tears. Im a father of 3 and a husband and my family doesn't know how i silently suffer every single morning from the hours of 3-6 AM before everyone gets up. I dont want to get into specifics but the ACES test i got 8/10 and only because i don't know if my parents were on drugs. The one thing i felt i was missing or would be different from what i have done is a group effort or talking, hence why im here yet again attempting to fix my insides and not pass this to my kids.