Messages

[Kizzie]

Thanks, Kizzie!

Thanks, Armee and Kizzie. It does help to write it out and see it in black and white. And of course from a logical perspective I know this won't happen (I won't die from not working), but somehow I need to express this to my emotional system. I'll keep working on it.

Kizzie, thank you for the suggestion of classes. More than anything I need to reconnect to people who can help me (which I've been putting off out of fear). The industry I work in is very connections based and if I'm not promoting myself, I won't get work. A class definitely might help put me in the right mindset and get me excited about doing more - and help me overcome my fear of finding out if I have any career left at all! The biggest obstacle for me right now is just not trying. A class is a great idea for boosting my confidence. Appreciate you both!

I chose StayInTheLight because my critic voice is like a black hole that follows me around, always inviting me to step inside and disappear into the abyss of despair. I've noticed that if I make even a small move in the opposite direction (i.e. towards the light), however small and even if I don't feel like it, the voice gets quieter and I forget the black hole is even there. I want to stay in the light as much as I can!

[Armee]

Thank you so much for your replies Armee and Kizzie. Both of you make some really good and helpful points.

Armee, I did read Pete Walker's book, so I know a little about EFs. I've been working on separating the past from the present in terms of fear, but sometimes (especially Sundays), the critic takes hold of my mind and I just have to wait it out. I think my fear around work is connected to the fear of being abandoned and left behind (which happened in my childhood twice by each parent, one of whom was mentally ill, the other an alcoholic). The voice says "this industry doesn't want you anymore" and I suddenly feel the same way it felt when each of of my parents didn't want me at certain points. Because I was so young (around 5), it felt like being abandoned threatened my very survival, so now when I don't work it feels like I might die, the same way it did back then. I think that's the connection. I will borrow your faith that things will get better, and I appreciate you saying that!

And thank you, Kizzie - I do have to remember that none of this is my fault, it's just life being life. And you're right that so many people I know are in the same boat (of course my mind only likes to shine a spotlight on the very few people who are doing fine). I get frustrated that things aren't moving faster, but presumably I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Really appreciate you both. Thanks again!

Each week I put enormous pressure on myself to "fix my life." As I mentioned in another post, between the pandemic and larger problems in my industry, my career has basically come to a standstill. I was doing really well in 2019 up until March 2020, working consistently, getting better and better jobs. And then it all just stopped. I was lucky to have a few remote jobs in the last few years, but I've mostly been living off my savings. I moved to a much cheaper place and I've financially contracted as much as I can to stem the tide.

This ties into CPTSD because my career always supplied me with my sense of self-worth. If I was making a good living in the field I wanted to work in, I felt good about myself. Whenever I was in between jobs I felt terrible, which motivated me to find more work (in my field I usually have 3 or 4 jobs per year that last anywhere from a few weeks to several months). So in the last few years with so little work, my self-worth has plummeted and my critic voice is deafening. I want to reach out to my contacts and try to reestablish myself, but I can't seem to do it. I'm terrified that I won't find anything, or that I'll just hear no over and over again until I'm left with nothing to do but abandon my lifelong dream. It's hard to explain here without going into detail, but I'm just so scared all the time, and I know what I SHOULD do, but then I do nothing because the thought of taking action makes me feel sick like I'm going to die. 

It reaches a fever pitch on Sundays, since Mondays are the start of the work week. My critic tells me I'm a loser and I'm never going to work again, and I get overwhelmed by anxiety and depression. I know that I have to challenge these thoughts with actions and treat myself with compassion, but the critic keeps winning. I'm just struggling at the moment with my fear. Thanks for reading.

Congratulations, Larry! I'm new to this forum and reading about your big step is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing!

[Kizzie]

Kizzie, thanks so much for explaining how to reply, I appreciate it. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it as time goes on!

And thank you, Armee!

Thank you for your kind responses! I'm not sure how to reply directly to messages (maybe I can't do that?), but I appreciate you taking the time. Happy to be here!

Hello! I'm new to this forum. I have a lot of childhood trauma which I've tried to address with therapists and different groups on and off for a long time. Only in the last few years did I start hearing the term "CPTSD". I started reading books about it and realized how much I related to everything I learned. I didn't understand until recently that I've been in fight-or-flight mode since I was very young, and never learned about self-soothing or emotional regulation. I want to teach my brain and body that I'm safe now as an adult and I don't have to be so afraid of other people and life. I know I need support from others to get better. I've suffered from depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem since I was a teenager, and I'm still very on-edge around my remaining family members. I used work (in a very high-stress and inconsistent career) to supply me with my self-worth and keep my mind occupied, but the pandemic decimated my industry and left me reeling. I'm really happy to be a part of this group and thanks to all who participate.