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My father,
He's gone
Not dead, but buried
I put him in the way back
Where the horror and cobwebs collect

No longer do I have the will or heart to tidy up
Even if, I'd sooner set it all on fire
And catch the soot on my tongue
sweeter it may taste, then his curdled love

We have the same eyes,
Excuse me HIS eyes, he'd want you to know
I am nothing more to then an extension

His servant, His punching bag, His Disposable little clone

I decided to visit him
I buried him deep
More than six feet, just to be safe

His grave reads
Here Lies a Narcissist
That Abused His Wife
Tortured His Children
And Took Absolutely No Ownership of His Wrong Doings

I piss buckets upon the marble stone,
my father is not dead but yet
my father is gone.

first date jitters
looking up i find comfort
among the stars

when i was young, i built a child-sized rocket for space and time travel, discovering distant places
where my memories could no longer hurt me.......

at first i thought him charming
his smile disarmed
and I felt this need to nourish
a starved yearning

i wonder if he knows...
that this innocent trust we'd built
between drinks and conversation
gave me hope

i want to tell him
that i'm a tiny astronaut

i wonder if he knows though....
when he tried to unbutton my shirt
that flinch of defensiveness
was not foreplay

I wonder if he knows....
that his hot soured breath
sticking to my neck
while he tried to kiss me
sent me back
to that place from before I mastered space

i wonder if he knows ....
my hate for the scent of pine
that i can still feel the needles pricking my face
as the shadow's weight held me down
and i tried not to suffocate on dirt

does he know what it's like, to float away, weightless
and find yourself at ease in the void

i wonder if he knows...
me walking away, filled me with tears
not for myself
but for the boy who couldn't
all those years


i wonder

https://youtu.be/VuoBKt_-w2c?si=l2rHgRJdKNtfoP59

Great video for trauma release yoga!

Your not alone. I use to make up a fantasy life in my head or focus on a fictional character I wanted to emulate and would move forward as though I were them. I would tell people MT father was dead when he was very much alive and other little things. I would sit in the shower for 45 and fully dissolve into my fantasies. I kicked myself alot because I felt like a liar but I think really I had dissociation issues because I'm reality was so dark and very lonely.

I've had this happen so many times but just didn't have the knowledge or understanding. I even forget I'm a grown man in my safe place and so far removed from danger. But man I feel so defenseless and small when it happens. Ty for your response.

Thank you. First steps but it's comforting to know I'm not alone...I hate that anyone feels this way but I glad we're able to share and support.

I just had a recent episode where I feel like my surroundings are unsafe that my partner is going to hurt me and I know none of it is true but my body seizes up and I freeze watching for his every movement or threatening sound. This has happened with almost every partner. I could see the hurt in his eyes because we've been together for 4 years and he's been the kindest most understanding person. But when it happens I can't help my feelings.

I don't see images just feelings. Is this considered an emotional flashback.

Hello, im 36 and I have experienced repeated sexual assaults as young boy again in my teen years and during my active drug addiction. I am 5 years clean and I have decided to try and engage with others who might be experiencing the same things I am. The other night I was triggered by my partner saying they were expecting retaliation from a conflict involving a co worker. Within seconds I crumbled and entered a panic hyper vigilant state for 4 hours before passing out from exhaustion. Retaliation was something I've been afraid of growing up with a Bipolar father who picked fights with anyone and everyone.

I have experienced trauma in many ways. And I don't deal with the feelings but have buried them. I became addicted to drugs and put myself in dangerous situations that were similar to the abuse I faced as a young boy into my teens. I'm un trusting, shut off and it just grows and grows. I'm glad to be here because at least I've done this much after 25 years.