Messages

 
Me too. Trust is huge. Once broken the feeling can't be repaired.

...BUT! I'm taking it slow. I'm taking a passive approach to allowing the panic to bubble up in its own time. I'm giving it permission to keep getting closer. I'm not taking the aggressive approach to healing that I usually take.

This is an incredibly courageous attitude to cultivate in the face of such impending doom. Much respect for how you are approaching this! 

It took me decades to see that my urge to get to the root of it and deal with things once and for all had been part of not getting there where I needed to go. That it's even possible to allow and relate to difficult states differently was a revelation to me, but only when the penny dropped experientially. So I can relate to both the yin and the yang of dealing with trauma. A big hug from Holland for you 

This really hits the bullseye for me at this moment in my healing. Thank you PC and everyone for this sharing.
 

Thank you for sharing all that SenseOrgan, it helps me. Acceptance when done consciously and without coercion or force can be very relieving.
 

If it weren't such a real horror show for you I would laugh my fanny off. It's like a series about inept superheros. GerkGP and LungMan to the rescue!!! Or not...

Nonetheless, I am impressed at your determination and focus. You are definitely fighting the good fight and keeping your relative cool. Man, bigtime bravo for that. I need some good inspiration these days. Thankyou for that. Small consolation maybe... Keep up the good fight. Sending hugs and positive vibes!
 

It's definitely interesting, Armee. Thanks for that little peep into one of your therapy sessions. Sounds like your therapist is really dynamic and engaged. (And you made me laugh at the end. Thanks for that most of all:)

Yeah DV, that passive state stuff really hit me hard too. For me though it's rather continued apathy and an inability to get inspired or just simply moving for things related to my 'self'.

She does talk about how she's changed the emdr standard protocol, specifically for preverbal work. Any chance you can get your (next?) T to read up on that bit? I'm gonna bring this up with my T, see what she thinks...

Ive told EVERYBODY in my family, ex-wife included, that my youngest (and last) child will not have a internet-connected smartphone until she is 18. If they give her one and she brings it to my house I will smash it to oblivion. During my week with my daughter we cook, make cakes and cookies, play games (the latest is marble solitaire) and I've started reading her the Narnia chronicles by CS Lewis. Once per week we watch something on the television, but since the tv is not connected to the network we usually watch an old Monty Python episode that I have on dvd.

After three kids I finally understood and found the courage to follow my conscience without caving in to foo and society BS. I swallowed the red pill about a year ago. Can't say things are easier, quite the contrary, but I sure am proud of myself, and my daughter is doing great.

NK, Hope things have smoothed out a bit since. And "cheesed-off" easily gets by the censors! Thanks for that!
 

I found this video this morning hosting Sandra Paulson discussing preverbal trauma and EMDR. I'm curious what others think and hope that this could be helpful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKSu3sTYx3E

More and more I have the suspicion that experiences of people on this Forum go all the way back to their birth (as is my case). It makes sense... in a tragic way. Poor parenting doesn't start at ten or eleven, it's there right from the get-go. I think pre-verbal trauma is far more prevalent than many realize. It can easily be overshadowed by more "recent" memories. And and as well, already Cptsd is difficult to deal with, but about symptoms that come from a period of time you don't even remember? Talk about boxing with an invisible adversary. I think it can all too easily start at birth (or even before) and then compound. Depressing hypotheses. The only positive I can imagine is the possibility to nonetheless face things to their very root. Go back far enough and there is point at which there is "no more".

I just watched "Perfect Days" last night. Absolutely adored it! A beautiful film. Dare I say it is about trauma? The comment of the sister about how their father is no longer "so extreme" makes me think of what their childhood might have been like, and what has given rise to this mans "simple" life. Beautiful.

I empathize RD. I can't even imagine working in an environment with people all day. I'm happy you were able to wind down a bit after your tough day.
 

Self trust. I just want to trust myself, no matter what comes up. All the terror that surrounded and impregnated me was incorporated into a functioning that persists to this day. My only objective at the moment is trusting that the sadness and terror is not me. It's just my amygdala... all f-ed-up and rolling ever on. I relate with a lot of what you wrote, Aphotic. Sending love and hugs and good therapy-work energy.

Funny how we can nonetheless "be around" people but still be alone. I just went and talked with a very nice young couple to help them pour a concrete floor. I was terrified all the way through. They had no idea. All went well, but when I left I was so relieved. The terror was... was... "annoying", if that makes sense..? I'm so used to it now... Just want to cry when I think about it. I'm considering trying antidepressants again. Is a life half lived still a life?