Messages

Dalloway, thanks for writing!  Great to see you again.  Yeah, this different life is hard, but I keep trusting the future peace will be worth it.

Take care,
   -Cascade

  and especially:

We belong and we are of value

My first therapist used CBT.  She, too, reassured me that people are too concerned about themselves to notice much about other people in public.  The only way this fit for me was to link it to my negative belief about low self-worth.  Like, why would anyone even concern themselves with ME?  It's one of those things I sometimes have to "fake it till I make it," or just keep telling myself they don't care as much I imagine they do... until I gain full confidence not to care about other people's thoughts!

That's been my experience when these fears arise.  It does help me get out of the house and is one of the things I have to do when getting psyched up to leave.
  -Cascade

Hey there dolly, Kizzie, and Blueberry,
It's great to see your warm comments and familiar selves.  Thanks for your assurances, too.

it's likely just that critical inner voice we all have telling you that so maybe this time tell it to pipe down 

Yep, I already had to tell it to pipe down just to get through the shame that popped up as I was preparing to post my introduction.  It took a second to figure out why I was feeling so anxious about coming back.  It was shame.  You all help me feel accepted here, (perceived and/or real) mistakes and all.


  -Cascade

Hi Elena N G,
Glad to see you here.  Thanks for joining us!
   -Cascade

Hi Katy,
Glad you're here and thanks for joining us!
   -Cascade

Hi Silveris,
Thanks so much about opening up about yourself.  I'm sorry to hear about the pain and trauma in your past and present.  You have already done so much in a few short weeks to take care of yourself and move forward.  Impressive!

I know how scary this is so kudos to you for taking the leap.
  -Cascade

Armee and NarcKiddo,
Thanks for your warm welcomes.  I appreciate the second chance.

Armee, I always wondered how people get away with not working!  Yes, ironic indeed.

NarcKiddo, your kind words offer some reinforcement and inspiration.

Thank you,
  -Cascade

Hi everyone,
I'm a 52-year-old woman living alone in the U.S.  I was sexually abused by my father from ages 4-12 (freeze response) and parentified to care for my mother's emotional needs (fawn response).  Of course, I also married and divorced a man decades ago who was sexually and emotionally abusive for eleven years.  I went no-contact with my family of origin almost ten years ago.  Both parents have since passed away.  No kids.  Two cats help me feel love.  😻😻

I originally found this site last year, but I may not have been ready to relate to others.  I became easily upset and believe I upset others.  I'll give this another try now because I think it would be good to be able to give and receive a little more compassion in my life.  I've been thinking of everyone, feeling very lonely in the safety of my isolation, and came back yesterday to read a bit.  Among many other things that made me cry and made me feel good, I saw Armee's comment to Mathilde.

Sorry I've missed your journal and are not keeping up with the forum very well lately. But it's really common for the first year or two to constantly think you've done something wrong and need to leave. That's just the dumb trauma talking. One more lovely symptom

I probably won't be as active here as I was last year.  I'm taking things very slowly.  Life feels like a tug-of-war roller coaster... immerse in nothing, immerse in healing, immerse in a short project, repeat back and forth.  I think I might have immersed too much here last time!  I'm trying to find some balance between everything.

My introduction (which I deleted) was titled something like, "Mid-Leap and Floating."  I still feel like I took the biggest leap of my life jumping into attempted recovery from CPTSD.  I still feel like I am floating, dissociated from everything, without much to hold on to.

I know I've made some progress.  Probably a lot of progress if I make a list.  It just takes so much time to adjust to living differently, thinking differently, feeling and emoting differently.  I've been working online with a great trauma-informed therapist since June of last year.  We do EMDR when we can; stabilization is still a struggle, so sometimes we just talk.  I don't go outside or leave the house except to get groceries.  I haven't worked in a full year, but only because I now have my portion of the proceeds from selling my mother's house after she passed away.  I'm very sedentary and don't have motivation for anything.  It's challenging to keep myself fed.  I have no routine and take my life one moment at a time.  Sometimes I manage to get up and take a shower, other times I get up and escape into TV.  It seems like any improvements are passing phases that I can't hold on to.

My therapist is good at reminding me I've been burned out and overwhelmed, probably for my whole life.  She eases my financial guilt by reminding me that quitting my job and not yet returning to work is a matter of life and death (due to suicidal ideation).  I have one close friend who comes over monthly for a couple hours in the evening.  I'm grateful for all these things and a place to communicate about them with you.

Thanks for reading,
   -Cascade

Hi Lakelynn,
Aww, thank you for your perspective on this as strong and powerful.  It's a little intimidating because now that it's laid out, it looks so simple but is devastatingly difficult.

So glad you're here with such support! 
   -Cascade

Oh, Bach, I hear every word you're saying about this. 

I feel very much the same.  I don't know why, but it seems like the more I learn about myself and all the former selves inside the empty shell of me, maybe it doesn't really match the ideas I tried to believe about myself when I was in denial about everything, just trying to "succeed" and be the best person I could be.  I'm just thinking out loud as I'm writing here.

I had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way.

It's so hard to get away from labels and down to our identities.  Who am I?  A woman?  A teacher?  A scientist?  Yes, I have been all of these.  They can change, though.  Well, the gender identity is pretty firm!  Anyway, my therapist talked me through using values instead of labels to define my self-identity.  First I picked ten from a list of values, then narrowed down to five, then to three.  For me, those were love, inner strength, and integrity.  I try to remember to stop and ask myself if what I'm doing aligns with those... or if what I'm believing or telling myself aligns with those.  It's an exercise right now.  I'm not 100% convinced that values is the way to go with self-identity, though.  It feels like I am so much more than values.

Maybe it's the little eternal spark of higher self or soul that Chart talked about.

I'm learning in therapy that I have 3 "layers": The body, the emotions, the intellect. They all interact, but the element that connects the three is what could be called the "soul". This is the center, the being that is me, my true inner "self". My therapist has explained that this inner spark is indestructible and eternal.

I look forward to discovering who you are, Bach, along with myself and the rest of us here.  You know what?... It's okay that we don't know.  Thank you for posting this and putting "yourself" out there (pun intended!).  I just see someone compassionately trying to figure themselves out.  We can do this, together.
  -Cascade


P.S.  I just had another thought as a possibility.  Maybe by looking for ourselves, we are finding the best parts... the parts that can love, be compassionate, etc., and they are so foreign that we can't recognize them.  To me, it kinda feels like whoever I am, I am changing by going through whatever this process is we're going through here.

Hi strawberrycat,
There aren't any expectations about how much to interact, so take your time.  Thank you for being so brave to share your feelings about connections.  It might be scary to talk about what's on your mind or in your heart.  Just trust that someone here has probably faced something similar and will respond with kindness.  Or you might be surprised that someone says something that really fits with what you experienced.  So, just take it as it comes!

   -Cascade

Glad for the pretty decent update, Phoebes.

Oh boy, I hope you don't get too many "opportunities" with Ms. Positivity.  It sounds like you handled the last one pretty well!  You know what you're doing and I hope you can focus mostly on the tasks you want to do.
   -Cascade

Hi Aphotic,
Good on ya for taking care of yourself and seeking the type of therapy that you recognize you need! 

I can't answer your questions but wanted to respond with my support during this tough time.  To describe the rottenness oozing out, I've used the term disgusting in the past.  Neither one of us are rotten or disgusting.  I agree with Papa Coco that it's the pain (and the trauma and criticism).

One funny story about my own therapist who is working with me to show love and care to myself.  My inner critic showed up as a 14-year-old version of myself.  We did our thing in therapy, and afterwards, the therapist commented that she's kinda scared of teenagers, lol!  But all went well.  I guess it's one of those moments to let you know you're not alone being scared by your inner critic.  Even some great therapists are scared, too! 

Take care,
   -Cascade

Chart,
Thanks for your support and enthusiasm!

Aphotic,
Glad you found the transparency helpful.  I always need a plan so I can stay on track, and in this case, avoid putting the cart before the horse.  I also think I'm trying to manage my own expectations... of therapy and myself!
   -Cascade

Hi Dalloway,
Finding the right words, name, or shape is frustrating.

I don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved.

The thing that came to mind as you talked about the days that were more difficult was I was so glad you didn't try to force your inner child to talk.  It's hard, but they will definitely come out when they want to.  I think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.

I don't even use names or shapes.  I just kind of sit in a circle of souls and see who shows up, which part of me.  I was speechless the first time my therapist asked me about ages and appearances.  Well, I don't know... I just kind of feel and hear them.  Visuals are rare, so I'm trying to work on really seeing these parts of me and what they show me of themselves.

Heck, take 'em out like MarktheRobot does and explicitly say they don't have to talk!

I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.

Keep up the great work!
   -Cascade