Messages

Hi Lakelynn,
Aww, thank you for your perspective on this as strong and powerful.  It's a little intimidating because now that it's laid out, it looks so simple but is devastatingly difficult.

So glad you're here with such support! 
   -Cascade

Oh, Bach, I hear every word you're saying about this. 

I feel very much the same.  I don't know why, but it seems like the more I learn about myself and all the former selves inside the empty shell of me, maybe it doesn't really match the ideas I tried to believe about myself when I was in denial about everything, just trying to "succeed" and be the best person I could be.  I'm just thinking out loud as I'm writing here.

I had a few labels I could hang on myself that felt worthwhile, that felt like they could meaningfully define me in some positive way.

It's so hard to get away from labels and down to our identities.  Who am I?  A woman?  A teacher?  A scientist?  Yes, I have been all of these.  They can change, though.  Well, the gender identity is pretty firm!  Anyway, my therapist talked me through using values instead of labels to define my self-identity.  First I picked ten from a list of values, then narrowed down to five, then to three.  For me, those were love, inner strength, and integrity.  I try to remember to stop and ask myself if what I'm doing aligns with those... or if what I'm believing or telling myself aligns with those.  It's an exercise right now.  I'm not 100% convinced that values is the way to go with self-identity, though.  It feels like I am so much more than values.

Maybe it's the little eternal spark of higher self or soul that Chart talked about.

I'm learning in therapy that I have 3 "layers": The body, the emotions, the intellect. They all interact, but the element that connects the three is what could be called the "soul". This is the center, the being that is me, my true inner "self". My therapist has explained that this inner spark is indestructible and eternal.

I look forward to discovering who you are, Bach, along with myself and the rest of us here.  You know what?... It's okay that we don't know.  Thank you for posting this and putting "yourself" out there (pun intended!).  I just see someone compassionately trying to figure themselves out.  We can do this, together.
  -Cascade


P.S.  I just had another thought as a possibility.  Maybe by looking for ourselves, we are finding the best parts... the parts that can love, be compassionate, etc., and they are so foreign that we can't recognize them.  To me, it kinda feels like whoever I am, I am changing by going through whatever this process is we're going through here.

Hi strawberrycat,
There aren't any expectations about how much to interact, so take your time.  Thank you for being so brave to share your feelings about connections.  It might be scary to talk about what's on your mind or in your heart.  Just trust that someone here has probably faced something similar and will respond with kindness.  Or you might be surprised that someone says something that really fits with what you experienced.  So, just take it as it comes!

   -Cascade

Glad for the pretty decent update, Phoebes.

Oh boy, I hope you don't get too many "opportunities" with Ms. Positivity.  It sounds like you handled the last one pretty well!  You know what you're doing and I hope you can focus mostly on the tasks you want to do.
   -Cascade

Hi Aphotic,
Good on ya for taking care of yourself and seeking the type of therapy that you recognize you need! 

I can't answer your questions but wanted to respond with my support during this tough time.  To describe the rottenness oozing out, I've used the term disgusting in the past.  Neither one of us are rotten or disgusting.  I agree with Papa Coco that it's the pain (and the trauma and criticism).

One funny story about my own therapist who is working with me to show love and care to myself.  My inner critic showed up as a 14-year-old version of myself.  We did our thing in therapy, and afterwards, the therapist commented that she's kinda scared of teenagers, lol!  But all went well.  I guess it's one of those moments to let you know you're not alone being scared by your inner critic.  Even some great therapists are scared, too! 

Take care,
   -Cascade

Chart,
Thanks for your support and enthusiasm!

Aphotic,
Glad you found the transparency helpful.  I always need a plan so I can stay on track, and in this case, avoid putting the cart before the horse.  I also think I'm trying to manage my own expectations... of therapy and myself!
   -Cascade

Hi Dalloway,
Finding the right words, name, or shape is frustrating.

I don´t want to force the inner child work, but I want to have regular contact with her to make her feel seen and loved.

The thing that came to mind as you talked about the days that were more difficult was I was so glad you didn't try to force your inner child to talk.  It's hard, but they will definitely come out when they want to.  I think just being there and checking in and telling them you love them and will be there for them is enough sometimes.

I don't even use names or shapes.  I just kind of sit in a circle of souls and see who shows up, which part of me.  I was speechless the first time my therapist asked me about ages and appearances.  Well, I don't know... I just kind of feel and hear them.  Visuals are rare, so I'm trying to work on really seeing these parts of me and what they show me of themselves.

Heck, take 'em out like MarktheRobot does and explicitly say they don't have to talk!

I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.

Keep up the great work!
   -Cascade

Hi Phoebes,
I hope your work situation is feeling a little more sorted out now after a week.  I had to do those positive introductions every semester at my previous job (gag!).  The change in teams would've been confusing to me, too.

I'm very impressed by the way you're handling it all! 
   -Cascade

Hi Dalloway,
Yes, it's hard for me, too, to try to find myself.  My goal is to accept and integrate my trauma into my new life and my new self, whatever that means.  I certainly don't need the weight of all of it.  There's a lot to peel off, rip off, shrug off, etc.  But I also feel like my past is what made me, for better or worse, and I need to start loving myself.  So I can love, accept, and integrate what's helpful.
   -Cascade

Desert Flower,
You made it through the event and the aftermath so well!  I am so proud of you!  I second everything Blueberry and rainydiary said, too.

   -Cascade

Hi strawberrycat,
I also struggle with craving connection with other people.  I'm so glad you reached out here.  Check you out, making connections and stuff! 

The forum is a great way to build these connections, actually get to know people a little bit, find out we are all dealing with similar feelings and trying to find our way.  As others have said, it's easier together.

Thanks for being here,
   -Cascade

And a group hug if that's okay. 

Hi rainydiary,
I hope you got an okay response from your boss by the end of the week, and aren't feeling so heavy about it.  I agree it's very easy to misunderstand in email.  Also, I'm sorry to hear about what happened with the Summer Institute course.

Having just left the U.S. education sector myself, I can say you're wise in suspecting that speaking up would only reflect poorly on you.  That's what happened to me.  I regret that I was unable to communicate in constructive ways.  The outer critic had the better of me, and I kept lashing out.

In your case, I envision a constructive communication that could come in the form of feedback on an evaluation form.  They always have those, right?  At least it would be in response to a solicitation for feedback rather than out of the blue, if you choose to do something like that.  I definitely learned to keep my feelings out of the story when there is a professional goal at hand.

I hear everything you're feeling, and would feel the same... and have felt the same!  I've been there.  You're not alone.  Here's a hug if that helps.
   -Cascade
   

Awesome, Denverite, this is a great shot!  I didn't see the person until the second time I looked at it.  It invoked insignificance and tininess amidst the larger landscape.  Thanks so much for sharing. 
   -Cascade

Yep, love it!  💗

This is a great reminder to connect with our true, higher self.  I know what I need if I can just calm down, connect, and listen.  Easier said than done sometimes.  Thanks, Chart, for putting it into such eloquent words!
   -Cascade

Has anyone else dealt with extreme repressed or distorted "fight" instincts and hatred/rage/vindictiveness? How do you cope with this and release these feelings without harm to oneself or others?
...
How do you get closure without a sense of justice or vengeance, or how did you channel a desperation for justice and/or vengeance into something productive or healing?

Hi livingdeadgirl,
First, I love your name.  I know the sentiment exactly of living a non-life.

Mostly, thank you for your bravery and courage to share all your thoughts with us.  I have also had similar feelings.  I have raged and imagined choking my father, physically getting down on the floor with my hands clasped around an air-throat.  I have imagined him going to prison and being the cell mate of the biggest, roughest, meanest convict possible.  I never confronted my parents, will never have legal justice.  All I could do was go no-contact with them, at different points, during the last years of their lives.

The coping and closure are completely different matters.  For me, the rage kept escalating and escalating.  It was all I felt 24/7 for the first year after I unexpectedly recalled the worst of the sexual abuse.  The anger started seeping into everything... work, my relationship with my cats, interactions with strangers, everything.  The only thing that started getting me out of it was realizing it was a way to keep punishing myself, that I was really hurting myself a lot by feeling only anger, and not having any compassion for myself or comforting myself.  

I'm still trying to figure out how to get angry in healthy ways.  I think I pretty much started focusing away from the anger, understanding they're not worth all that energy of mine, and asking what do I need?  I totally get that might not be where you're at, or be what might work for you.

I hope the other side discussions haven't caused you to run away from us.  I'm interested to hear what you're going through and hope we can help each other deal with our anger in better ways.  It's a tough thing for me to figure out, too.  I'm sure my anger's still in there hanging around somewhere!

Here's a hug if it might feel good. 
   -Cascade