Messages

NarcKiddo,
 My abuse left me avoidant and non- confrontational. I realize that different people respond in different ways, but that's how *I* responded...
 Anyway, as a result of that I never had the opportunity up to that point to throw a proper punch, leaving me lacking confidence in that ability should the need arise. After that incident I no longer feared *that*, but my automatic response in a conflict remained "freeze".

 Which leads me to the point of the dream.

 After mulling it over, I believe the dream itself isn't as important as my emotional response to it although both are related.
 I think my "fight" response is reemerging after having been suppressed since childhood.I'd wager that this dream and response is a common occurrence for people with a normal fight response.

Best,
-Slashy

All,
 Trigger warning as usual (not for the squeamish)...

 I recounted a dream I noted as 'important' this afternoon, and my T seemed taken aback by it.

 It starts with me approaching a friend of the family about a prior transgression that I was upset about. To be clear, this transgression never happened in real life.
 In the dream, she had punched me for no apparent reason the last time I'd seen her and found it uproariously hilarious.I had decided to confront her about it, explain to her why it had upset me and demand an apology, and she did it again! Laughed about it, and all my friends and family were there, laughing along with her.
 
 I was so angry, I tried to throw a punch back at her as hard as I could... but I was frozen in place. I was unable to move.

 I woke up from that dream absolutely furious! I hadn't lacked the ability, will, courage, or resolve to deliver that crippling blow I so desperately wanted to deliver, I was cheated by the physics of the dream; physical paralysis.

 I've had lots of other dreams along these lines over the years, but never one where I woke up livid because I was denied the ability to severely injure someone in a dream. And after I woke up, I fantasized about how the dream "should have" ended; me delivering that devastating reply shot, her ending up unconscious with a broken jaw, skull fractures, unconscious on the pavement, with me berating her...

 Neither of us were quite sure what that dream meant, but it scared the bejeezus out of me!
--------------------------------------------
 Related story: I know that I am physically (if not mentally) capable of delivering such a devastating blow.
 I was conditioned from early childhood to avoid confrontation and am a scrawny guy... so I've never had the opportunity to gauge the force of one of my punches. I just assumed it would be pitiful, so avoided any situation where I would need to rely on it.
 2004, I was hanging out with my soon- to- be ex in the bar, and they were holding a competition to see who could hit the punch-o-meter arcade game the hardest.
 I *really* didn't want to get involved in that, for fear of embarrassment. But they were all cajoling and insisting, so I eventually caved in and did it. I gave it everything I had because I was so afraid in the moment.
 I punched the machine so hard that it literally broke. 
 Scared my wife (and myself), and ruined the mood of the party. Turns out that nobody likes "psycho- level" energy. Especially not me.
 I don't want anyone to ever be afraid of me.

 Best,
-Slashy
 
 

All,
 This song came up on my playlist today and it hit me pretty hard.
 The first verse is pretty spot- on, but the rest misses the mark.
 
"The key to my survival was never much in doubt.
The question was how I could keep sane while trying to find a way out.
Things were never easy for me. Peace of mind was hard to find.
I needed a place where I could hide, somewhere that I could call mine.
I didn't think much about it until it started happening all the time.
Soon I was living with the fear everyday, of what would happen that night.
I couldn't stand to hear the crying of my mother and I remember when...
I swore that that that was the last they'd ever see of me and I'd never go home again".

 And so the song progresses and the prodigal son returns only to find that he has been disowned by his abusive father for his abandonment. "You're no son of mine".

 This is where the song gets it wrong. It's not just the abuser that casts you out, it's *everyone*.
 None of them can relate to that decision.

 Cutting all ties and fleeing is a drastic option; one that I and my surviving siblings all took. Everyone was affected, the guilty and innocent alike. They have no way to relate to that decision and they will all condemn you for it.

 There is no closure. There is no rapprochement.The only "family" you will ever have from that point on is the one you have made for yourself.
 My baby sister is only just now learning this fact.

All,
 It's been weeks (months?) since the last time I've posted.
 The best I can say is that DBR seems to be *very* powerful, but also very exhausting. I have very vivid and pointed dreams every night as my subconscious processes my lost memories, which leave me more tired when I wake up than I was when I went to sleep. Sometimes I understand my dreams, sometimes I don't.
 I also lost a disturbing amount of weight this summer. Down from 143 lbs to 124 (a large percentage of body mass). I've clawed my way back to 132 through eating lots of military MREs.
 I simply don't feel the need or inclination to discuss the trauma of my childhood anymore. I also don't feel like I've made any major changes in my life, which would indicate that I've started breaking my cPTSD habits. I feel like I've just reverted to the "normal" that has carried me all these decades.
 I've made friends with a rescue dog named "Maverick" through my GF. He's a lanky tan stray mystery breed. All ears, tail, and legs. Highly intelligent. He doesn't get along with other dogs and can't be around them, but loves humans.The two of us are dopplegangers. It's like looking through a dark mirror.
 I don't know what (if anything) I can add to the convo here. Just my unique experiences.
 Best,
Slashy

 

All,
 Thanks for the replies.
 Best,
-Slashy

Papa Coco,
 The most pertinent truism I can share tonight: Courage only exists *in the face* of fear, never in the absence of it.
 Sorry I can't elaborate more tonight; I'm kinda wiped out.

 Best,
-Slashy

I want revenge on those who have hurt me. I am angry at them for turning me into this messed up person.
Is that wrong??

S.I.N.,
Nope. Not even a little bit. I just went through this exact same crisis not even a month ago. 
 You, just like every other human on the planet, want revenge against those who have wronged you. That is a normal healthy part of a psyche.
 The question is... If that part of you has been locked away and silenced for decades, you're probably uncomfortable with the fact that it even exists (I was terrified of mine). How do you reintegrate it in a *healthy* way?
 Short answer: Every part of your psyche is there to help you live a good life and be safe, even the parts that you're not comfortable with.

Best,
-Slashy 

All,
 I won't be able to see my T for the next couple weeks, and I have a couple questions that are nagging me.

1) I've been having dreams lately that I wake up certain that they were related to my childhood, but I immediately lose all recollection of them. Is this normal? Should I be concerned that I don't remember them?

2) I've been having very brief "snapshot" memories from my childhood lately out of the blue. Not even long enough to build any context from them. Thankfully, none of them have been distressing.
 Again, is this normal and should I be concerned?

Thanks,
-Slashy

All,
 I think I've identified the root of the problem. I stumbled across this short video today regarding DBR:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYSpCbH2S6g

 I definitely recognize the process of addressing the 'orienting' response, but we haven't focused on the 'shock' response at all. I have felt and noticed the shock in these sessions (it's quite severe) but we haven't focused on it in context.
 If I understand this video correctly, it's just as important.
 So I go home after the session with the shock unaddressed and with the anticipation of the panic attack that is surely to follow, but with no way to process it on my own.
 Pretty sure that's what's going on. 

 I'll discuss it with my T on Thursday and see if we can make some changes.
 
 

Chart,
"Are these new memories? New triggers? Things that didn't really trigger in the past? If this is the case then you're dealing with A LOT of stuff all at once. So your right brain might be overloaded. Hence the strong anxiety reactions."
 Every time I do this, it unlocks new memories, but they're innocuous. Memories that I *use* to start the session are recent, but directly tied to either the trauma itself or results of it.
" Maybe talk with your dbr therapist and see if there are things to do to "ease" the follow-up intensity. "
 Yeah, I plan on doing that this week.

Thanks,
-Slashy

All,
 Every time I do a DBR session, I find myself in a constant state of anxiety afterwards for days. It's like a slow adrenaline leak. It screws up my sleep, my ability to concentrate, and my appetite.

 Is this common? Is this going to happen every time?

 Best,
-Slashy

 I need to better understand the DBR process. I go through it, feel and describe the physical sensations, and then I'm in a weird place emotionally that evening. Panic attacks, emotional swings, physical exhaustion, weird dreams...
 I get that this is *supposed* to happen, but it's very unsettling. I don't like when things are happening to me that I don't understand.
--------------------------
 I should also add the episode that was the 'trigger' for today's DBR.
 I was at the local '80s arcade with my son, eating poutine and watching Back to the Future. My son asked me what year it was released, and I thought about it. '86 or '87, surely.
 I have a timeline anchored around specific events. I was *definitely* in Western Psych during my breakdown in January '86. I know this because that's when the space shuttle challenger blew up. I had been listening to the launch cooped up on the window ledge in my room on my transistor radio.
 I went to live with my father after I was released. He was single. *VERY* single. He rescued his GF and her children after I was in WP, not before. We saw Back to the Future in the theater together. I vividly remember the ride home. '86 or '87.
 I googled it just to be sure. It was released in the summer of '85. That answer doesn't fit in with my timeline and it upset my entire day.
 I hate it. I hate not clearly remembering where I lived when, the chronological order of events, the names of my teachers or even the schools I went to.
 My childhood is a jumbled half- obscured minefield. If I probe around too much, it elicits terrible responses.
 I'm not the sort of person that handles question marks well. When I have questions, I have a compulsive *need* to find answers. That doesn't work well with my survival response about not examining my childhood too closely. I need to know some of this stuff. Not all the gory details, just a basic reliable timeline. But at the same time I've subconsciously obscured all of that and punish myself for looking there at all.
 

 
 

 All,
 I found out today that all of the things you're talking about are what's going on with me. I thought that the heaviness in my chest was "sadness", but it's actually fear. That's why I couldn't cry and release it. I'm so out of touch with my emotions that I have a hard time telling them apart. 
 Yeah. I have an inner "Tuco" (I've named him) who I was unaware of and have had locked away since childhood. I'm understandably terrified of him.
 You folks are giving me very useful insights into what I'll learn as I progress.

Thanks,
-Slashy

Papa Coco,
 Not to diminish my support for anyone else on this forum *in any way*, but I feel my most personal connection is with you personally. I feel like when you have a small victory, I've somehow had one too.

 My T recommended Pete Walker to me. I didn't attend real "school" in 1985/86, but they did teach me how to speed read, so I read "Surviving to Thriving" last week.
 It's both frustrating and vindicating to read how easily he was able to describe me as a person in seemingly random terms just because I was an abused kid who happened to go "freeze/flee". From the 'tech nerd' career to the 'adrenaline junkie' hobbies and the 'hoarder' tendencies. I thought it was just my unique personality, but no. It's sadly typical and I had no idea anything was wrong with me for decades. 

 I feel that heaviness in my chest that indicates "mourning" and I've felt it all week. I've been focusing on it all week, but for whatever reason I've been unable to cry and release it. I feel so much *anger* toward my abusers. I imagine doing the most horrible things to them. Stuff I don't even want to say without a trigger warning.
 That scares me because I'm not 'that guy'. My self identity lies in me not being that way. I'm afraid that somewhere deep inside me I *could* be. I've always feared that.

 Best,
-Slashy


 

 

 

It's just beginning to register for me now.
 They took away my childhood. Ruined my relationship with my siblings. Reprogrammed me into survival mode for my entire adult life. 

 That poor little child!! This is the heaviness I've been feeling the last couple weeks; mourning.

 It's all part of the healing process; I've got to roll with it and I guess cry a lot until I get it out of my system and start to rebuild. I'm so out of touch with my emotions, I have a hard time telling the difference between different emotions. Anxiety, fear, sadness, anger. They all feel the same.

Best,
-Slashy