Hi everyone,
I'm new here, hoping to find people with similar experiences who i can relate to. I am sweating profusely as I write this as even just writing about it brings alot of anxiety.
My first "trauma" began at about 4 when my country fell into war - leaving was quite difficult and most of our family stayed behind. I saw and experienced things no child, or even person, should experience. This whole experience left me with an innate fear of violence and abandonment. This was only made worse by the fact that this trauma was never addressed - to the point that my mother would tell me that my nightmares (flashbacks) were just that, nightmares. It was only when I was in my teens that she acknowledged that these thibgs i was remembering were real.
Fast forward a few years, we moved to a new country and my mom re-married. My original trauma was then compounded by years of sexual abuse at the hands of this man. Whenever I, as a child, reached out for help - i was turned away. I told my mom (as a child) - she told me she could leave him and we could go back to having nothing if thats what I wanted. The morning he tried forcing himself inside me, i told me sister - she happily ate the Mcdonalds breakfast he said was a treat because I "had been such a good girl". I asked my doctor for a therapist, she told me to look in the phone book. I asked a councelor for help - she told me to just move in with my dad.
I have recently stopped all contact with him (my mom is still married to him) as a mother of three in my thirties I just had my first girl- and this brought up all kinds of different feelings.
Generally I feel like I have done alot of good work to get my past my trauma and not put it on my kids. But i still have so many days where i just feel so sad, so hopeless, so alone - even though I am not - I love my partner and my children - without them I would be completely lost. Hoping that I have finally found people who can understand me through similar experiences. Thank you for reading.
I'm new here, hoping to find people with similar experiences who i can relate to. I am sweating profusely as I write this as even just writing about it brings alot of anxiety.
My first "trauma" began at about 4 when my country fell into war - leaving was quite difficult and most of our family stayed behind. I saw and experienced things no child, or even person, should experience. This whole experience left me with an innate fear of violence and abandonment. This was only made worse by the fact that this trauma was never addressed - to the point that my mother would tell me that my nightmares (flashbacks) were just that, nightmares. It was only when I was in my teens that she acknowledged that these thibgs i was remembering were real.
Fast forward a few years, we moved to a new country and my mom re-married. My original trauma was then compounded by years of sexual abuse at the hands of this man. Whenever I, as a child, reached out for help - i was turned away. I told my mom (as a child) - she told me she could leave him and we could go back to having nothing if thats what I wanted. The morning he tried forcing himself inside me, i told me sister - she happily ate the Mcdonalds breakfast he said was a treat because I "had been such a good girl". I asked my doctor for a therapist, she told me to look in the phone book. I asked a councelor for help - she told me to just move in with my dad.
I have recently stopped all contact with him (my mom is still married to him) as a mother of three in my thirties I just had my first girl- and this brought up all kinds of different feelings.
Generally I feel like I have done alot of good work to get my past my trauma and not put it on my kids. But i still have so many days where i just feel so sad, so hopeless, so alone - even though I am not - I love my partner and my children - without them I would be completely lost. Hoping that I have finally found people who can understand me through similar experiences. Thank you for reading.