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1. I had a date and had fun. We visited a museum and had a drink. I agreed to it when I was in denial mode about my situation. I went. And understood I cannot possibly date in my current situation. And he may not fit me in a dating way. But we had fun nonetheless. And I could be normal for an afternoon.

2. My friend died. Which is obviously about the least positive thing there is. But I didn't contact him for a while. Then suddenly had an overwhelming urge to go see him. Because I sensed he was dying. I did. Could not reach him. And managed to trace him in hospital. With an amount of luck (I do not know his family and there's hefty privacy rules) that made me feel it was special. Anyway. Because of my instinct and that luck, we could still meet. And say goodbye. Which I value.

3. I could cry out with a colleague. We had a coffee and a chat. He was supportive. 

Thanks.

I feel sorry for not changing better myself. I changed everything else. But keeping stuck in the nasty family patterns, cost me my health and my kid.

I don't think I can do forgiveness now. I'm too angry.

My dad kept saying little things about change or sorry. But he never really did. It indeed just got more camouflaged. I kept hoping. But they kept pushing me back in trauma responses. And I responded.

Their behaviour indeed got more camouflaged.

Thanks...

I think both my anger at family and self are normal. I too made a mess.

Expressing my anger - however logical - was used against me indeed.
By shaming me, declaring me crazy, gossiping to family and friends, parental alienation,  blackmailing me to not fight back when they took away my child, use it with cps.

So it is logical I am pissed off. And also logical that I am frightened of my anger.

I really want to forgive. My faith asks forgiving attitude. But that too was used against me...to keep me in line.

I am really not sure. I think I should not suppress my anger and listen to what it says. But not express it to family or cps. It is of no use and will be played against me.

I thought about it. And do not know whether God asks to forgive if there is zero repentance. There are some vague apologies nowadays...because I said they were never sorry..but they do not really see what they did.

I have been so terribly angry with my family. And expressing it in all the wrong ways. So it is followed by deep shame.

My mum was and dad is well-intended. Sort of. But use a lot of controlling and manipulative tactics. That was always a trigger. But especially after incest and after the relationship with my sociopathic ex.

Dads behaviour would send me into severe flashbacks, suicidal feelings and even wards.

I have begged my dad to acknowledge his side of problem and seek help together. My son lives with him and it harms us all. He blames me for not healing my ptsd...but I worked so hard...and he refuses to do any of his side of the work.

He says his childhood was bliss (he was deeply traumatised). He has no problem (my mh team thinks he is autistic with narcissism-like learned behaviour). All the fights he had with my mum, me, his business partners was because we all were difficult and crazy. He did absolutely nothing wrong the last years (he was hurtful and supertriggering and refused to change anything). Everything I found scary "didn't happen and was in my head".

My faith asks of me to be calm and peaceful and forgiving.

But I'm so very angry. My family shoved the complete problem on me. And refused to see their own problem. Even incest was blamed on me.

I have been turned into a mess. And this hurt my family and kid.

So now I hate myself. And I'm deeply angry and unforgiving at my family for refusing to change. And I deeply ashamed about myself over that. How can God forgive me if I am so angry?

I just hate how everyone (ex, family, cps) refused to break the generational problems. And I hate how I fought to break them but failed to win against an abusive system. Because I was too stupid. I did it all wrong. And my son suffered for it.

I knew what was needed and nobody listened. Even I did not.

I loved "perfect days". 

It is slow and sweet. With all the stress I like that. But if you are easily bored with slow arthouse movies, don't pick it. Not much happens.

Job. From the bible.
 I'm not exactly a saint and I don't want my kid to be replaced by a new one.

But I lost a lot - health, kid partly, family, friends, job, home, riches, reputation. I've been angry with God. And wondered why?!? Like Job.

Still waiting for it all to be restored. Hope that day ever comes.

Also the movie It ends with us...

But I found the end unrealistic. She snaps out of trauma right away. Abusive ex leaves her alone after she divorced and is understanding. He is loving as a dad. Cps doesn't want to give her child to an abuser. All the family readily admits they were abusive and help her. Yeah. Right.

That's where the association stopped. I was a wreck. And I had to take on two abusive families and cps. Who all said something like "a sociopath can be a fun dad too!"

Thanks, that was beautiful and healing.

Sometimes when my parent does something scary (e.g. manipulate) I get extremely scared of them.

Afterwards I feel very guilty. Towards them. And towards God. I feel like a horrible person.

It is difficult to see them as a person who did something mildly abusive. I'm just terrified and then shameful. Switching from one extreme to another.

Does anyone do this?