Messages

I applaud and support you for having the goal to release yourself completely from your parents.  I've been able to do this, but only just recently (3 years ago) at the tender age of 60.  My father passed 11 years ago, and my sadistic narc mom is still alive.  I'm profoundly sorry to hear that you are a survivor of trafficking. My heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much! You're incredibly kind <3 Im so glad you could escape your mother, I hate to admit even as a child it was my dream to run away and never see my parents again- so sometimes I feel guilty or conflicted, thank you for your reassurance. I am doing ok now <3 as a child I didn't really understand what was going on or the severity of the abuse, so picking up the pieces has been the hardest thing i've ever done. I would like to say a goal of mine is to get justice but i'm not sure that would ever be possible (given the specific circumstances of my scenario)- Ive decided not to poke the sleeping bear for now, it's been almost a decade since I was in contact with the organization that abused me and id like it to stay this way. On the other hand I wish my parents could pay somehow for the abuse and neglect I suffered- and I think the best way to do that would be to cut one of my mother's biggest supply off, me. Again, thank you so much for your support <33 it means the entire world to me.

ForestLot, I'm so relieved and feel support, heard, and understood reading your reply. Thank you for that. Very soon I will come and check out your journal!

Im glad I could help you! Knowing I have has made my day! Thank you for your kind words <3

This world is not set up for us, and it doesn't really accept us.  I struggle with feeling like I've been marginalized a lot. It's horrible how so many people mistreat and abuse those who are neurodivergent. Unfortunately, people with CPTSD as well as neurodivergent people tend to see the worst side of human nature in all it's ugliness.

This really struck a chord in me- I find myself very often frustrated by societies lack of awareness, especially for neurodivergent issues! When big things happen in the news I often find myself avoiding interaction more because of so many people's blissful ignorance or unchecked hatred. Every single person i've met- besides other ND individuals- I have had to inform them the ideas they previously held about neurodiversity are disgustingly incorrect, even people like managers and medical professionals. We deserve better, there's no reason for society to treat us this way- people are often very selfish, lazy, and hateful when it comes to accommodating for or just existing around ND individuals! When often all we need is basic empathy- I'll never understand why some people think we are not deserving of that. Im also incredibly sorry for your experience with such traumatic forms of bullying, I too experienced things similar- it really solidifies the fear you have of crowds and people in general, I always feel trapped and am constantly looking for escape.

The biggest thing that is helping me with healing is allowing myself to grieve by crying.  This is a huge release valve for me, and after a good cry, I feel so much lighter, and so much relief. Pete Walker talks about this a lot in his book "The Tao of Fully Feeling".

I totally agree, for a long time I had lost my ability to cry but slowly I am regaining it and- wow does it feel good. I still struggle to not feel ashamed and embarrassed of myself when I express any emotions at all, but having an actual release is so much better than the bottled up feelings brooding inside. Ive just started reading Walkers "Surviving to Thriving" and i'm enjoying it very much, so I'll definitely be reading the Tao next. Thank you for the recommendation!! Today is lovely day out for me, so ill probably be spending it outdoors- I hope you will be/were able to do the same! <3

Hello natureluvr! It's nice to meet you Your post really resonates with me, I too developed CPTSD (partially) due to my mother's abuse- and the very specific situation you described here is incredibly relatable. I don't want to flood your journal with my own experience, but I want you to know your post is seen. (So, heavy TW for things related to what you mentioned above)

I have ASD, although Ive never brought up the possibility of having FASD with my doctor I'll definitely look into the symptoms and criteria a bit. I don't ask my mother questions about my childhood as she immediately feels attacked- but I can tell you for sure she drank and smoked during her pregnancy with me. Ive seen photos, videos, heard first hand accounts, and even a few times in her most high-strung moments she has admitted it to me; I also know she was abusing illicit substances around this time but I don't have any certainty she did during her pregnancy with me. Although, if you or I just randomly approached her and asked- she would never admit to endangering me at all.

When I was born I "looked normal" (okay mom -_-) so my parents who were already extremely distrustful of the medical system quickly rushed me home, and that was the last time I saw the inside of a hospital for my own treatment until I became an adult. On top of all of this, her pregnancy with me was extremely tumultuous- from me being conceived only a few months after a previous miscarriage, to being pronounced dead during some point of her pregnancy, and eventually being delivered through emergency C section after obstructed labor... I have multiple checked boxes in the "neo-natal trauma" category. Despite all this and much more, the results of this type of trauma were never considered in my development.

I could tell you a hundred stories of how my mother, peers, teachers, partners, and even medical professionals took advantage of and abused me because of my disability. And even now, as a diagnosed adult, my autism is nothing but a complete joke to my parents- I don't think they even believe me. I've spent a few years now researching everything I can about the effects of this type of trauma, because it really feels like I was doomed from the start. Sharing your experience with others, allowing yourself to feel emotions and grieve traumas is the key to healing- but what do you do when the suffering you endured was during a time when language and comprehension did not exist for yourself? Im not sure- but I think expressing all the anger, grief, and disappointment you feel now freely will help. Personally, I make art, go on walks, exercise, and write poetry- but the most important thing Ive started to do is let myself feel, instead of putting my emotions off for another time. I always thought there would be a "right" time or I would suddenly have the motivation and energy to tackle my greatest struggles- but that time never came, so I learned I should probably just get it over with in the moment huh.

Don't worry- your post did not come off at all as feeling pity or sorry for yourself, although I feel sorry for you- I hate to know others understand the pain of such an awful upbringing. Im proud of you for being honest and open with yourself, I struggle immensely with this as well- it's sometimes extremely painful to be honest about the severity of my experiences, it feels like the text reaches through the screen and grabs at my shoulders shaking me back into the traumatic memory. It's so stressful being an adult with ASD, it's hard not to isolate yourself when it seems like you'll never fit in and no one wants you around in the first place- well natureluvr, I want you to know your presence here means the world to me; knowing i'm not going to be judged for being "awkward"or "weird", and i'm not the only person here with ASD (and the trauma that comes with it) gives me a huge sense of relief. Sorry if this was too long- you're awesome, stay strong friend <3

You sound remarkably strong and aware. I am sorry for what you went through.

Thank you so much <3 my self-awareness has always been an hated aspect of myself ("Why am I so aware if I cannot act?"), but it's aided me so much in healing now i'm thankful I never somehow got rid of it. And you're right, it feels good to just have support and empathy from others. In the past when i've attempted to open up about my experiences i've always been immediately bombarded with questions and criticism. Being a survivor in non-survivor centered spaces is incredibly lonely, I feel like I have to be my own news reporter to the crime I was victim too...

Welcome! I wish you all the best and look forward to getting to know you more.

Thank you!! I wish you well too, and i'm very excited to get to know everyone here and take part in y'all's journey to recovery <33

This community is filled with people who feel isolated even when in a crowd. Sharing that feeling of being the odd-one out is what helps us begin to feel accepted by people who are very much like us. Your intro touched my heart in many ways. I'm glad that this community is here for you, as it is here for all of us who feel as conflicted as you describe.

If you haven't read it yet, C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker, is a very good book to help us understand how we came to be who we are today. It proves that there are millions of people who feel similar to how we feel. Welcome!

Ah thank you! I am glad I don't have to worry about being the odd one out here- masking is exhausting when i'm supposed to be healing from the things i'm hiding. Your support means the world to me <3

Im not exactly sure if I have read it, although it's not one of the books I have physically and taken notes in- so I'll definitely give it a better read soon!! I have a whole stack of books but sometimes I like to read the same couple over and over because they give me the most comfort lol. Thank you so much for the recommendation, and ill also be going through the pages of resources here soon

Again, thank you all so much for your kindness and support <3 I don't know how to express how much it means to me!

Im not exactly sure where to start... i've tried to write this probably over a hundred times now but I fear nothing will ever be good enough for me. I've always been told i'm too young to know struggle- that what I experienced could've been much worse, i'm too sensitive or making it all up, or it was my fault and I asked for it. I feel like I am not worthy or deserve to post here, like I need permission- I feel like I don't know who I am as a person, or how to begin to explain the chaos that was my upbringing. I want to commit to this instead of backing down and hiding, one of my biggest struggles is self isolation- I've never had a social support system until recently, which consists solely of my partner who is a fellow survivor... and honestly, his encouragement is the only reason I've worked up the ability to post here at all.

Finding out i'm not alone, i'm not cursed or broken, and that I can heal has revived something in me I thought had been lost completely. When I was diagnosed with BPD I felt abandoned by the medical system, but I have since learned (after years of researching trauma and it's effects) my experiences are a bit more complex than that... my journey with discovering I am a survivor of chronic abuse with CPTSD, as well as being part of a dissociated system (DID) has only really just begun- but I hope with the support of y'all I can become the best version of myself

So hello everyone, this is my first time using a forum like this- so correct me if i've made any formatting mistakes or post to the wrong board. I am a survivor of child trafficking and chronic parental abuse (my parents were not my traffickers, I have been safe from them for years)- my goal is to be able to eventually cut contact with my parents as well so I can begin to process and heal from everything I went through, as well as build a (social) support system besides just my partner.

But, I am more than just my trauma, so I feel like I should share a little about me as a person. As well as having CPTSD and BPD/DID I am also autistic, which complicates things just a bit- I have many intense interests but struggle with feeling motivated to engage in them, perhaps my most overarching are ecology and music. I also like writing poetry, collecting things (such as stuffies, spiritual items, etc), and urban exploration. I live in a camper which has been my dream since a kid, but unfortunately I am just parked on my parent's property for now until I can find an opportunity to move- I was pursuing a career in forestry before my BPD diagnosis but as a result of it dropped out of college and quit my job from the stress and shock of it all- it completely turned my world upside down.

I'll admit my toolbox isn't very stocked, and even writing this intro was a test of my ability to recognize triggers and take action before I slip into the spiral- but this time I came out on top, and I plan on making big effort to care for myself better. Recently Ive done my best to stay off social media, keep in contact with people I hope to build a better relationship with, go outside, maintain self care, read and write more; i'd like to think things are getting better, but it feels like my whole life everything I've ever cared about has been ripped out from under me. It wasn't my intention to make this so long and whiny and depressing, Im sure ill regret posting this in the morning- but ill do my best to convince myself to keep it up <3 Thank you again to everyone here, without your bravery I don't know if I would ever be able to put my pain to rest.

Thank you Armee! Your kindness means so much to me :,)

I am glad I, or I suppose we, are not alone here- it's a breath of relief honestly! This is my first time using a forum, so I was very excited to get a response- you've definitely made my night <3

I hope your field treats you well- Ive definitely hit some roadblocks here with forestry but i'm hoping to get back on track soon!

Hi :3

Trying to write a intro has proved to be a bit overwhelming, so I suppose ill start here...

I picked the username "forestedlot" for a couple reasons! Firstly, I am a forester- and forest ecology is one of my special interests. Secondly, I have DID- instead of referring to our little internal family of parts as a system or collective we perfer "lot"; it's simple, discrete, and feels a bit more casual.

It was actually quite difficult for me to decide on a name- I felt like I wanted to represent many different parts of me, whether it be an intense interest or physical trait or something else... but this is the one that brought me the least distress, so it'll have to do lol. Im glad I can be a part of this community, yall are so amazing- so thank you for being here to build spaces like this for people like me <3