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Roadie, are you back home? How did things go?

Hang in there Rrecovery, it sounds like you have your head screwed on relatively straight, so you have a lot going for you. I think we can all say we've been there where you are, with the profound loneliness. I have too, I'm 44 and don't have any friends but I still keep trying, just not at a fast pace. I do believe you've got to get out there as much as possible to meet the people who you click with, joining a hobby group or church or whatever floats your boat. Is there something else you can do besides rock climbing, if your knees won't allow you?

Yeah that book by Pete Walker says to try connecting with people online if it's too hard to do it in person, and then maybe you'll learn that not everyone is hurtful. I think in general people don't mean to be hurtful they just get involved with their own stuff and have their own baggage and might not even know they've stepped on someone's nerve.

Zuzu your reaction seems normal to me given just the little bit you posted about what you went through. Sometimes hearing what parents have done to their kids, it's almost like did they intend to mess with their kids' minds? Because some of the things I've read here that parents have said to their kids, they couldn't have hurt them more if they set out to do it.

Yeah hang in there VA. It's a trial and error thing and what works for one person doesn't work for another. I've taken antidepressants for 15 years with some success but they tend to stop working for me after a couple years and I get a lot of bad reactions to some of them. The best ones for me have been Luvox, worked for several years, and Effexor, which I take now and it keeps me functioning but not happy. I've wanted to take ADD meds as I believe I have that, but the docs believe it's just the depression. Anyway, if the ADD drugs give you more benefits than bad effects, they're probably working for you. Are you able to supplement your meds with natural options like vitamin D, exercise, healthy foods and hobbies? I know these are supposed to help though I am not always functional enough to do these things.

Cool about the languages, and that you've found compassion in the Hispanic culture. I say anywhere you can get kindness is a good place.

Thanks Trees and Kizzie, I was kind of having a lousy day yesterday but I feel better today and your posts and good wishes help.   

Bheart there is a book about how to handle bosses and co-workers who have personality disorders and it sounds like that's what you dealt with. Or maybe the person was just plain mean. Anyway, it's an interesting book I found in our library but I don't remember the name of it.
After reading all this I doubt that I am cptsd after all. I do lash out at people and even though I am aware it's bad and I don't want to do it, that's my natural tendency anyway. But I find it all getting worse and worse and I don't know why. I have a very nice husband who I don't deserve and I'm mean to him  fairly often though I keep vowing I won't lash out. Same with my mom who is also a bit reactive and it makes me so sad. I am not sure what to do with myself.  I am 'broken' as borderline is referred as. I feel so crazy and don't really have the money for therapy. And I work in mental health which probably isn't helping but in a way I understand them. We just bought a house a month ago and already I want to move because it's noisy here. I hate it and I'm driving my husband nuts. What support forum should I use? Is there any for just rotten crazy human beings?

Does it really matter whether we're borderline or not? Everyone wants so bad to avoid that heinous label but borderlines are people too. Maybe there is no such thing as borderline or personality disorders anyway. But there is no official diagnosis of cptsd, is there? So all we can really do is find whatever treatment works for us and whatever explanation makes sense to us. One thing I didn't like about PEte Walker's book is he tried so hard to distinguish himself from people with personality disorders, as if they were bad people. Maybe that's just me being sensitive. Anyway Kudzu I'm sorry that you got adopted into a bad situation, that's so unfair when that happens. And I hope you find the strength to believe that you don't deserve to keep getting abused in your current relationship. And, it's so rude when spouses/partners try to diagnose the other- unless they are qualified it's just verbage that has little meaning.

Thanks, that helps 

It went okay, just one lady and her daughter showed up but it was ok. I think I'm glad I did it. Thanks for asking. I felt like this is the one place I could express how nervous I felt and people would understand.

I was so disappointed to see CPTSD isn't on the DSM V! I work at a mental health facility and we got training today. I asked the trainer, a phd, if it was in there and he had never heard of it nor had anyone else in the room! Is this a real diagnosis? What if we don't meet the criteria for standard ptsd and there is no cptsd on the dsm v, how do we get help? I'd like to go back to my therapist when I have insurance again but wonder how it's possible if my disorder doesn't even exist!

Yes how well I know the 'different' feeling. It's still here and I'm 44. I'm about to freak out because I'm trying to arrange a Christmas caroling group; I put an ad on craigslist and they're supposed to meet here at my house tonight. (hopefully no axe murderers ha ha!) Sadly I have no friends to ask! I don't know if I will know how to act normal if people come tonight and I'm kind of sorry I took a risk but on the other hand it's just singing!
I wonder how many people feel they are different than others. Maybe more than feel they are the same???

Lily, don't feel too awfully bad for not enjoying intimacy that much, especially comparing it to what the media shows. What they show is a joke. They never seem to show mothers tired after long days at work and/or with their children, cooking, cleaning, etc. They never show or even hint at the less glamorous aspects of sex. TV is not reality. While sex can be nice, it's a very small part of daily life unless you are a 20-year-old guy or a sex addict or something. And there was just a study out that said women's drive is much more complicated than a man's. So what the typical guy wants often isn't the same as the typical women wants. One of my co-workers cracked me up once when she said she'd rather have Christmas any day of the week than sex. Problem is, Christmas only comes once a year.

VA, I've struggled my whole life with career choices so it's funny I ended up to be a career coach myself. I kind of fell into it but I figured, hey, I've probably done research on every career out there and tried a whole bunch so why not? So here are a couple questions: When you were a child, did you dream about what you wanted to be someday? When you were a child/teen-ager, what were your hobbies and interests? If you could do anything in the world, without regard for how much schooling you need, location, finances, or any practical concern, what would you do? ..... I'm not suggesting people go out and try to start a band or something based on a whim, but answering these questions could help you get to know yourself better. When you know what you like to do, that's at least a direction. Reality may intrude and you may have to just get a job for survival; I don't know your situation. But even when people have a job they're not crazy about I advise them to not lose who they are- pursue their talents and hobbies in any spare time and maybe volunteer in these areas and either your personal life will become more fulfilling, or maybe developing your interests could lead to a job you're really interested in someday.