Messages

Hello Chart
Everybody goes through suffering, life's unfair to everyone. A close friend told me you think your pain is the worst, you don't know what goes on inside other people's minds. So for me, it is sometimes hard to even acknowledge that I am going through something traumatic. I doubt myself at times. Alot actually.
Heard someone on YouTube say, "The worst of life couldn't get the best of me".

Dear PapaCoco
I find it cool to be able to be expressive and respectful of other people's feelings at the same time. Personally, I think that's a trait I would want to have too.
For me, as long as I don't hurt anyone's feelings, I'm gonna be myself.
Because tell you what, nobody is thinking about me at the end of the day.
I love your long posts, it makes me feel like someone cares (not lying). I don't mind them at all!
(Although I do feel ashamed because I'm not as reciprocal, I think it makes me feel like I'm being unfair)
I'm uncomfortable right now, because vulnerability makes me feel scared. That's just me, being me. I'm gonna sit with this feeling for a while.

Someone

Hi. My narcissistic father is making me meet his side of the family (since we have a family get together), including my sexual abuser cousin. I'm so scared. And he doesn't take no for an answer. And I can't even breathe thinking about it, I came up with a plan to start retching in the bathroom, I have a maroon nail paint, I could add a few drops and pretend as if I'm bleeding from the gut (which won't be too hard since I have been bleeding in the bathroom alot, my father said I'm delusional. But this time, there are people around, so he'd be the perfect father in this scenario)
I won't have to meet my abuser. And I can't breathe here. Since I'm claustrophobic and narcissistic people make me want to either run away or get really angry. He said I'll get over it. So, he probably might let me go back to my house (we are on a family trip). And maybe I could get some money out of him to buy my skincare, like 50 dollars would be way too much for me. That * won't give me money, I have to beg for it.
All of this is very manipulative. I don't know what else to do. Can you guys suggest something since I don't trust my judgements. Atleast not in this case
Update: I told him I was bleeding. He said is it about money? Then said, I could take you to get ice cream and you'll be fine. But I can't take you or allow you to go back. Also I got unresponsive (i get unconscious, but I do feel and hear stuff happening around me, something called psychogenic paralysis), and he well, slapped me (tapped me on my face if you will, 7-8 times). Also when I was responsive, he told me (not asked) if I wanted to go just roam around in his car (I know from experience he was looking for an opportunity to get me alone to humiliate). He asked me 12-13 times, i said no all of those times and then I fell unresponsive.
Also I called my mother up to tell her (I lied) that I'm bleeding, and she said she's asleep and she'll talk to me later.
I understand that everyone has their own priorities, but I think I deserve to be cared for. Am I asking for too much?
Also this was my first attempt at manipulation. Never realized who I was up against. I can't beat them at it. I don't think I can.
I'd love to hear you guys' perspectives

Hey. So I'm in a situation that I'd like to discuss here.
There's this guy, he was my teacher last year. He is 9 years older than me. I've been to almost all of his classes and have met him like 4 times briefly.
He has the following traits:
1) Talks about himself, alot.
2) When I met him for the first time, he talked about a really depressing period in his life (that's way to early to share something personal)
3) Does not believe in God and marriage.
4) Admits to manipulating the women he dates so as to not having to buy them gifts or spend money on them.
5) Said, "I'm a feminist. Its hard to find a female thats reasonable". He's words and actions are contradictory.
6) We were having a conversation and he said, "You sound ridiculous right now"
7) Is a reckless driver, wears the same clothes the entire week or longer, gets aggressive.
I am obsessively thinking about him for the last six months.
9) Also there's a possibility he cheats too (not too sure about that)
10) He started dating women, but said they didn't click, so now he's dating guys. He's specifically moving to the UK to date hot British guys.
11) Was teaching us something and used the mnemonic "Some lovers try positions that they can't handle"
12) Makes it a point to make people feel like they're stupid.
13) I'm in med school, and he's a teacher there. He must be really smart (he teaches really well) and has read God-knows how many books.
14) His instagram handle is a number, a disgusting number (that insinuates you-know-what)
15) I was really scared of him, so I stalked him. I know his phone number, email address and where he lives. I have zero intentions of causing harm. I'm just looking out for myself.
16) I have a narcissistic father. And I gravitate towards people like him. I feel the need to fix someone, so I don't have to fix myself.
17) I can't get him out of my head. While writing this, I've realized he isn't good for me.
18) He never love bombed me though. And I'm naturally empathetic, is it a possibility he thinks I'm the narcissist? I do admit that I have narcissistic tendencies.
And I get very rude to people who are rude to me (thats one of the things I'm scared of, since I can't speak infront of my father without him getting violent)
How do I stay away from this teacher? I don't have classes with him anymore, but I do see him when I'm walking to my class, or in the corridor, or through the window to his office. My friends say I find toxic masculinity attractive.
The question is, am I reading too much into this, is this a trauma response to being called ridiculous that has sent me through this downward spiral of considering if he is a narcissist, or is he actually one, because he sends me on an emotional roller coaster.
Even writing about this, I feel so overwhelmed.
I know I need to work on myself, learn to accept myself as I am and let go of false beliefs.
I think, just the fact that I'm overwhelmed around him (and unsafety is all I've ever known, it feels comfortable, I know unsafety, I've been unsafe my entire life). I want to change that.
Also do all friendships/relationships happen naturally, or do we have to chase people?
I'd appreciate different perspectives on this.

Hi Chart
Yes I feel like when I don't respond to people, I'm hurting them. Because whenever my narcissistic father would stop responding, he would get aggressive and hurt me.
I think for me, I need to find a sense of belonging to something. Maybe plants. I don't know. I just really would want to belong somewhere. That would be helpful in my journey for healing.

PapaCoco

I think her hyperindependence comes from the trauma.

I had read somewhere you never truly know how broken someone is until you try to love them.

It breaks my heart to see how worthy of love she is, and how cruel life had been to her.

I can check in with her from time to time. I think that would work.

Kizzie

It was her uncle (her mother's older brother)

She remembers it vaguely (doesn't remember the entirety of the event). But she does have images popping up in her head reminding her of the event

Is she being self destructive?

I have a friend. She has C- PTSD and a narcissistic father. She was sexually abused by her uncle, when she was 2-3 years old. She doesn't have any recollection of it, is what she told me.
She did something really strange. She is in love with her mother. There's the kind of love you can die for. And then there's love that you want to live for. She was suicidal, I know for a fact, for some period of her life, atleast. She didn't want to hurt her, it didn't matter to her, how much she was hurting, she didn't want her mother to cry over her. So didn't do anything, which I'm thankful for.
The other day, she called her uncle up (the one that sexually abused her), he lives in another country, to come meet his mom. Since the entire family is reuniting for a few days. Everyone is coming from around the world. She didn't care, I have seen the way she looks at her mother, I've never seen someone be so in love with another human being.
She said she's in a stable state now, and her mother doesn't know that her brother did that, she'd be happy to see him. As for her, she can protect herself now. She would do anything to make her happy. I've never met anyone that loved so deeply. I mean, I don't understand if she's incredibly kind, or insane. But yes, she's giving. And it hurts to see her give out so much because she doesn't get anything in return. She's isn't bothered though.
I know it isn't really my place to  say anything, but as a friend, how can I be there for her? Any suggestions?

Hi papa
I love you
It hurts
It hurts
It hurts
It hurts
It hurts
Can't you see youre hurting me?
I love you
I love you
I love you
I can't stop I can't stop I can't stop
I don't want to love you
I don't want to love you
I don't want to love you
I'm weak
I'm weak
I'm weak
Youre destroying me
I love you
I don't want anything from life anymore.
Not even you.
I love you.
I don't want to
I still do
But I don't want to

I get triggered by admiration, compliments or anything of that sort because then I feel like I'm writing for compliments which I'm not so refrain from praising anything about me.
Hi Papa
I love you
Mama said you carried me home from the hospital after I was born. She said I was your favourite. You were my favourite too.
You said I had a big nose when I was born, but after 2 days, you thought I was pretty. I would sit in your lap. I would wake up in your arms. I would kiss you Papa. I loved you. You were my best friend, my protector, the love of my life. I've never loved anyone as much as I've loved you. I loved you so much I'm not myself anymore. I've given all I had to you. I've given myself to you. I've given you my happiness. I've given everything I ever possessed. I'm not me anymore. There is nothing inside me anymore. My desire to love and be loved, has come to an end. I have come to an end. My love for you, killed me. It killed me. It killed me. Death didn't hurt, what did hurt was you didn't care. I was breaking apart, I loved you anyway.
I was really small, I remember the first dream I ever had, it was about you. I saw you covered in blood, unmoving. I woke up, you were asleep next to me. I cried, alone. For the first time, I didn't know I had to cry alone for many more years to come.
I was 3, you went to visit grandma who lived in another country, I cried for days.
I was 7, you left for another country, I cried so much my aunt took me to her house and I skipped school the next day.
I was 9, I was depressed, I was inconsolable. You said I'm ungrateful, that you've given me everything, you left me to cry alone. I loved you anyway.
I was 15, you beat my mother up. I saw her crying. I loved you anyway.
I was 15, I didn't talk to you for a year. I loved you anyway.
I was 16, I had depression, you said I was ungrateful. I told you to leave, you left. I was crying alone again.
I was 16, sat on the bathroom floor, begging myself to not make a sound whilst I was crying, because I thought it'd hurt you to see me cry.
I was 16, I self harmed because of our fight, for the very first time. You said if I cried again, you'd beat me up. I loved you anyway.
I told you I make my decisions myself, you said i deserve to be beaten up. I loved you anyway.
I wanted you to be there for me, you never were. I loved you anyway.
I went to the college you chose for me, I cried every single day that I was there. I loved you anyway.
I called you up to tell you I couldn't breathe. You said you're in the middle of something. I loved you anyway.
You physically abused my mother, again. I loved you anyway. You did it again. I loved you anyway.
You slapped my little sister, hard. I was scared you would do that to me. I loved you anyway. You did it again. I couldn't stop myself from loving you.
I got sick, I was in regression, I became a child, you loved me when I became a child. I knew it has nothing to do with me, you loved being in control. I loved you anyway.
I told you I was being suicidal, I told you to stay with me. You went with your friends.
I loved you anyway.
You said you couldn't stand up to your brother, or confront his daughter for abusing me sexually. I didn't know what I felt. I felt betrayed.
I thought if I loved you more, you'd eventually love me back. You never did.
It broke me.
I was heavily sedated for 6 months because I was so sick. I didn't know who I was but I remembered you. I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest.
You got me admitted to a psych ward. I was begging you to take me home, I told you I loved you, I couldn't live without my sister. You never allowed me to live. It hurt so much, it stopped hurting.
I was depressed, you said if I don't get to class and get a degree, I'm worthless.
I couldn't stop loving who I thought you were
You humiliated me when I told you how you made me feel, somehow, I was the one who'd be at fault. I couldn't stop loving you
You said I'm weak, confused, a *, selfish, worthless, useless. I believed you because I couldn't stop loving you
I used to cut myself. You would cry when I did that. You would tell me to cut your arm instead. Did you love me?
I am terrified of you. I was terrified if I said anything about you to anyone, you would kill me. I couldn't stop myself from loving you
I couldn't breathe, my mother told you I needed to go to the hospital. You said you didn't care. My love for you didn't change. It just turned into a poison that had the power to destroy my life. You were killing me mentally, and I couldn't stop loving you.
I was bleeding, I was throwing my guts out. You said it didn't matter. I couldn't stop loving you.
You said everything I have is yours. When I asked you for it, you said I'm never going to give anything to you. I couldn't stop loving you
You bribed me to go to college when I was dying. When I didn't have the energy to go, you took back your money and told me to **** off. I couldn't stop loving you.
You were yelling at me, my mother said you're making me sick. You said you didn't  care. I loved you anyway.
You said I don't deserve to be respected. I didn't stop loving you.
And then one day, I was dying. You didn't care. You didn't care at all. Nobody did. I did care for my life. I did care for my happiness. I cannot change how I feel about you. I cannot stop loving you.
I have realized that I can love you with all my heart, and still choose to not be in your presence. I've loved you all my life, but I don't want to anymore. I can't have anymore love for anyone. I gave it to you.
I didn't even give it to myself.
I reduced myself to nothingness for you.
I loved you, you made me stop believing
In love.
I am never going to let anyone get close to me again. I never want to love again.
I'm scared because someone will, I'm scared because I won't. I'm scared because I'd hurt them the way you hurt me.
I'm scared because I'd become you. I'm scared because I'd cause someone the same pain you caused me. I'm scared. I'm so so scared.
I won't be able to love anyone Papa.
And I choose not to be loved anymore.
I'll just be myself, nobody would love the real me.
But I do need suggestions on how to stop people from loving me, I'm not going to be someone else, I'll be myself. I don't want the real me to be loved, not pretend me. The real me doesn't want to be loved. She is scared. She cannot break anymore than she already is broken.
She is not here anymore. Her love for her father exists. But she's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She's gone.
She left herself because she loved her Papa so much.
I wish I could've loved her. But it won't matter to her anymore. People don't matter to her anymore. Their love doesn't matter to her anymore. Nothing matters anymore. She loved and she lost.
She's dead.

I have decided to move out. I'm moving from my house to a guest house. My father is paying for it obviously. Ever since I told him this, he is being weird. It seems as if he is upset. I know for sure, he would cry. He told me the following.
1) You are ungrateful. You have a house, a family and you're moving away from us.
2) You cannot have a private accommodation. There has to be someone their with you, and a few classmates (its near my college) that he can be in touch with.
3) What is your sleep schedule going to be like? If you don't have a good sleep schedule, I don't care if you're healthy or unhealthy, you're going to be at home.
4) You're going to eat from their kitchen? You'll surely develop a stomach disease.
5) You're going to make me feel ashamed.
6) I don't want to allow you to move.
7) So we are not good enough is that why you're moving out?
I know this is abuse.
I am an empty shell of myself. All I had was love for him. And now, as I'm grieving and will continue to grieve, I'll be empty. A void in me. I love him, I just respect myself more. Either I break the pattern or the pattern breaks me. I have tried the latter. I'm going for the former now.
He broke my heart so bad, I don't even  want to love anyone ever again.
I'm gonna fill myself with love for myself this time.
By the way, I was sick, couldn't function today, like most days, he made me walk a really long distance for someone thats sick, in this scorching heat. Maybe, he did it by mistake. Maybe he didn't care.
Also, he has been with me to all my appointments for the last 3 years. He asked me today (because he is to meet college authorities they're concerned about my health)  what mental health problem i have. I was shocked. He didn't even know what I had.
A part of me still believes that all of this is a facade. He loves me. He cares for me. He doesn't. I'm projecting how I feel for him, onto him.
People that truly love us, change their behaviour when they realize they're hurting us. They don't get offended by our reaction to their disrespect.
I loved him so much. I won't be able to love anyone as much as I loved him. This is so sad. Why couldn't he just love me back. Why is it so hard. Why did it have to be me. Why are my problems unrelated to dating or gossip.
He is yelling at someone outside my room.

Sometimes I don't feel anything at all. My mind, body and spirit go numb. Lifeless. And sometimes, I feel everything all at once. I feel a lump in my throat. I feel my chest tighten, my body tremble and my brain unable to comprehend anything.It feels like I'm about to die but death doesn't come. I think I'm either in the space between life and death. Or I have already died and this is *. * can't be any worse than this. I'd rather get my flesh burned than my body violated, mind paralysed or spirit agonised. This is pain. This is painful. This is so painful it is funny. This is so funny it is painful.
It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts alot. It hurts because the only one person that is supposed to love me, doesn't love me back. It is me. I have loved other people so much I forgot myself. It is painful, it is painful to love people so much, because nobody loved me that way. Nobody did. I didn't. I betrayed myself. I turned my back on me. I never cried for me. I was so busy tending to your wounds, I never realized I was bleeding myself. I was so pre occupied with accomplishments, I forgot how to live. I've never lived. I've existed. But no, I can't say I lived. This is not living. This is livid. (Funny)
I am gonna cry.
I am gonna cry.
I am gonna cry.
The tears don't come. My lacrimal glands are betraying me. I am tongue tied. My vocal cords are traitors, indeed. My mind and body are collapsing, they turned out to be treacherous in the end too.
One thing isn't betraying me though. The love that radiates from within me. It is so bright, I was blinded by its radiance and led to believe everyone has a light within them that shines. I am wrong. People are an endless abyss of darkness. They are theirs, I'm not even mine.
What hurts is, even if they hurt me, I won't hurt them back. To love is beautiful, but one who knows how to love, cannot hate at all. Atleast not me. Love ate away at the hatred I had inside me. It hurts. It hurts because there is love. It hurts because there has always been love. It will hurt, but it will also heal.
It will heal, but it will leave a scar. A souvenir for love that once existed, that once almost killed me, and that I decided to love myself first. Wounds heal, scars don't.
My heart is my map. It is impossible to measure how much a human heart can endure. It can carry pain as deep as the ocean and it will continue to function. The lungs continue to breathe even when it feels like that air is choking me. I feel vulnerable. I am being vulnerable because nobody knows my name. I can be me. Unapologetically, irreplaceably me. It burns. It burns. It burns. My heart is ripped open, my soul is ablaze and my mind is in a gas chamber, that can explode anywhere, anytime.
They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'd rather be safe than strong.
They say scars are beautiful. I'd rather be ugly than beautiful. (To be honest, I'd rather be beautiful, I just wanted to write this line)
They say what must light up should endure burning. I'd rather not light up at all, just stop with the burning.
I have lost hope in people. People don't love us, they love how we make them love themselves. The world is a cruel place. Hearts are imprisoned and minds locked up.
If bravery had a face, it'd be mine.
The following trigger me
Compliments
Admiration
Praise
Being loved and cared for.
I have lost my hope in humanity. But the woman in me says, she loves me. I want to believe her. She is not a liar, she is a fighter. She is terribly afraid, she feels like she is dying, but when death actually arrives at her door, she is going to embrace it like a long lost friend. After all, she lived with the love of her life, all her life. Herself. It took her some time to realize that but she became aware of it and never looked back.
She is a queen. She shakes empires. She sometimes shakes herself, but she remains unshook.
She has started to love herself. It is only a start, but a million dollars aren't a million if only 1 dollar is missing from it. I am my one dollar. My missing dollar, my stepping stone, my foundation.
I'm scared of people complimenting me. I'm just a normal girl, nothing special about me. I'd like to remain as such. I'd appreciate no praise, compliment or admiration. They make me feel uncomfortable.
Love and light
Someone

PapaCoco
You made me smile
A smile that welled up tears in my eyes.
Someone

I have a really good friend. He feels safe. I told him I needed time for myself and ghosted him without giving an explanation. In my defense, I care about him and I don't drag the people I care about into the mess my life is.
Here is what I have realized
I am a loving being, not a loving doing. I don't have to be useful to be worthy of love.
It isn't my place to decide what someone else wants to be a part of or stay away from.
What is my choice is to stop expecting love outside of myself.
I am the love I'm looking for. It is in me. Waiting to be felt by me but within me.
I can love people all I want and still choose to stay away from them. Love is unconditional, tolerance for me, is not.

I am so glad we don't know anyone here. It allows be to be my true self.
My father is a narcissist, a wealthy narcissist if you will. So I was out with him and there was this old valet guy who he had to tip. My father was 10 dollars short. He asked me if I had change. I said I do. I gave the valet guy 50. My father didn't see it, because it was dark. I didn't tell him, because he would be upset.
But I saw it. That old man, he looked at the note, and he smiled. It was a genuine, pure smile. His eyes smiled. The crinkles surrounding his eyes made me smile.
It made me realize, I don't need anyone to make myself feel loved, I am love itself.
That is the first thing I have come to know about myself.