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Papa Coco, Thank you for such a thoughtful reply. I'm sorry it took me this long to get back on here and see it. Interestingly, this forum dropped out of my head for a couple of months and I imagine that has something to do with vulnerability. It felt reassuring to hear how you could identify with much of what I said. "A fly in a world of spiders" is such an accurate portrayal of the struggle to me; especially since I have arachnophobia lol. I am Eastern Orthodox but grew up Protestant--the lack of nuance and some of the language used (like "die to self") are considerably triggering. Bringing up mental health in these circles has been a bit like pulling teeth.

I truly appreciate your thoughtful reply.

P.S. I want to reply to the others on here too. Do I just put a follow up post at the bottom of this one or is "quote" the only way to reply?

My sister and I give each other a new nickname almost with every breath; even if they sound nothing like our name. One of my major ones is "Micki or Mick" and so she started saying "Micki Moose." My husband picked it up because I call him Brown Bear (a different story) and so we became "Moose and Brown Bear." We started buying moose and bear paraphernalia. I eventually went by "MooseMan7" on many forums but figured it'd be misleading here because I'm a woman. I just happen to be a woman who calls everyone dude, guys, bros, or man. It's just my vernacular. So I went with Moose7 especially because it's vague enough to not give away anything specific but it still honors a bit my of identity. 7 is one of my favorite numbers; it is the number of "completion" in many spiritual practices.

Hello everyone. I am a 30 year old female who has Complex PTSD, DID, and OCD (whoo-hoo). My CPTSD is from several things growing up but the most impactful was the abuse from my mother who was a sociopath (by her own admission) and a malignant narcissist who also had DID.

I am on here because once I did more identity work and tried leaving codependency behind, I found that relationships are incredibly triggering. It was easier when I just catered to others and rolled with the punches; sometimes not even noticing them. These days I am constantly going back and forth between thinking I'm too paranoid and need to stop reassurance seeking versus upset at someone and wanting to be direct. I feel like the most sensitive person in the world sometimes while simultaneously feeling like I'm justified in how I feel sometimes--which is new. I almost miss codependency because it was safer and I liked who I was as a person more (when I could convince myself that I was being 'loving' instead of just trying to survive). My therapist is wonderful and has been very helpful yet I'm realizing that so many people I talk to just don't get trauma. I'm sure you all know what it is to walk that line between oversharing and being untrue to yourself. I panic no matter what I do socially; I am afraid of being seen as "attention-seeking" and "dramatic" so I often just try not to "bother anyone."

You know what's stupid though? I'm a mental health therapist for victims of trauma. But 'a la dissociation,' I often can't retain any of what I know. I also can't heal myself so there's that. I'm great at insight just like my clients are but it's the social stuff and internal confusion that cripples me. So you may as well forget I even said I'm a therapist because I still need to hear the same things everyone else does.

Anyway, I'm tired of living in a vacuum. I don't tell my colleagues or my clients (of course) about my struggles. I don't say much to people I may meet elsewhere because they can't grasp what I'm taking about even with the best of intentions and honestly, it's not their job to see me. But man, I just feel super alone. I constantly feel like I am cycling between mature adulthood and absolute insanity.

Cool forum, dudes. Peace out.