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I went to therapy today and we had talked about looking at a thing from my early childhood,I couldn't say what,it is just to scary.It caught me by surprise that I felt anger towards my therapist which I have never done before,
I like her and trust her.ive been annoyed with her before but never felt anger .
Then when I went in I didn't feel anything, I could talk about the things that I was thinking but there was no emotion, normally if I think about this I breakdown immediately and pull back.
I'm not sure how to be present with this as it feels like the root of my trauma.

Thankyou, I have a T for about 6 months ,i think she feels that because I've been in crisis and have 4 teenagers to support ,she is unravelling very carefully. I think you are right that it seems to be forcing its way out, I seem to be triggered before realising i am . We are going to start addressing this on friday ,at the moment for me it is just to dark and painful .I trust and like her so i'll concentrate on her voice.   

 

I've a very limited memory of childhood,I remember hiding under the bed , I remember hiding by lying very still next to my brother in his bed,I remember being scared,I remember tells my mother i didn't want to go to bed because ? And I remember her saying she would talk to him . I remember his weight pushing me down,I remember letting him win the game where he put the pillow over my head , and I had to get out , i thought if i lied still he had won ,but you have to struggle when you can't breath. I think he done this because he had done other things to me that I have only been remembering through physical sensations, I don't know if it is in my head or real. I get totally overwhelmed if I try to remember and start shouting at myself uncontrollable to shut up.i also tick loads and become overwhelmed .I don't know how to cope and I don't want these memories in my head .I won't let theses memories in my head

I use mael because its short and easy ,i struggle saying my real name and because i'm dyslexic i spell it wrong alot of the time.

I'm mael, i have struggled most of my life , I have three good memories from my childhood ,driven out at 16 then moved straight in with a 24 year old. just so many breakdowns ,always felt i had to stay for the children , left when i was 29 and the kids 3 and 9 went into emergency care after a couple of months .I got custody and had about 4 years of a calm life but very lonely hardly talking to anyone other than my children ,no friends ,i tried but never managed it. then a quick intense affair with a women going through a divorce with a violent partner .lasted 4 months.

Then a  20 year marriage to an extremely manipulative women and had 4 kids. She totally isolated us and controlled every aspect. At the start of May she popped into town to do some shopping and take our daughter to her councillor and about 1/2 hour later rang to say she wanted a divorce and never wanted to speak or see me again. So i am a single dad again. She ghosted me for 3 weeks ,then turned up out of the blue ,it felt staged with her baiting the kids and left after a hour, I say kids but they are 14 up to 19. She is living in spain,with a man who she was texting for about 3 months before.

I'm 57 and there is just so much guilt ,shame, hurt, trauma.

She trauma bonded me over and over i can see that clearly, and i know it all comes from my childhood ,there is a dark place that just is black pain that i cannot go through. i just cry and it just goes black and the pain becomes unbearable so i have to pull back.
 
I get anxiety attacks most days [well i think it is anxiety] but break down and cry. I have been surviving on diazepam , which i beg off the doctors and have to ration myself on and propranolol which i don't know if it actually does anything. I sleep 5 hours with zopiclone or diazepam or 2 hours with nothing.

I have a therapist who i see once a week who says i am au adhd but i am still waiting for am official diagnose, i have worked some stuff out ,i am an empath as 2 of my children are and since my wife left i am not numb and can feel again.

I go to a salsa dance class once a week which is emotionally exhausting but i am using to try to socialise ,i find when i hold someone's hands i can feel their emotions. Sometimes i get overwhelmed by their strength.
Although i think people probably see me as a wreck close to a breakdown, i feel i am in a better place than i have been most of my life. I feel i have finally found the right path . I have a picture of what has happened and why, but continually question reality. So that is me i think.

As for family both my parents are dead ,my mother discarded my father 8 years before he died and died a couple of 5 years before him .I have 2 brothers one the golden child kept the family system going abusing my father until he died. I was the scapegoat and have nothing to do with any of my family and they have nothing to do with me.

I have 6 children 36 years down to 14 years, lots of autism, adhd and trauma, but the oldest 2 are very close and the youngest 4 are close. My wife always kept them apart, but now she has gone they are connecting and for the first time i had all my children and grandchildren together .

I try to create a atmosphere of openness ,so everyone can express their feelings without worry , I am aware i grew up in such an abusive family, where feelings were never allowed, and my partners have been very damaging. When i look at the situations all i see is extreme narcissistic patterns.

I'm scared for the future, i'm scared for my children.

My wife is trauma bonding another bloke at the moment I am sure. It just fits. His elderly parents are dying and he is set to inherit a small fortune. I bet she will use having to marry to stay in the country,then discard .

In a couple of weeks she is coming back to turn her attention back on me and the kids, as she will be looking at the divorce settlement. That scares me.
 
So that is me and my family, 4 having regular therapy and all suffering from c ptsd, with me trying to support everyone ,surrounded by narcissistic people.

Both my partners came from terrible abusive places. My first is 10 weeks sober from a life of alcoholism - first attempt. Our children have no contact but keep track from a distance. My wife and i go between compassion and anger. She was the golden child then when her brother was born she got used as the scapegoat.  He was premature and very ill spending a lot of his childhood in hospital (it's hard to victimise an ill kid in hospital so he became the golden child).

So i always try to rescue  people and end up wondering if  i caused it all . I hate understanding stuff it doesn't change things it just gives me a feeling of hopelessness .

So that is why i am here trying to understand ,to grow ,to be happy and most of all to not be the reason other people end up here .