Hello,
This is going to sound crazy, it sounds crazy to me. I am a recovering alcoholic of 23 years, recently widowed, retired, disabled father of 2 teenagers. I have been in and around recovery for a long time and thought I understood a few things, but some interesting things have happened to me to bring about changes in me, revealing things to me that were hidden before. I had a stroke 2 years ago. Before that, my emotions were mostly masked by mood stabilizing meds due to my marriage to my wife, a survivor of early childhood trauma who developed BPD, and as a result I became the person she exercised her demons on. She developed pancreatic cancer and passed away in October of last year and I was devastated, the sad longing for her return to health that never came, the intimacy longed for that never materialized after 18 years of working to make it happen, was gone, and I realized not only was she wounded, but I was as well. After she passed away I went to my doctor and asked him to be taken off the meds, and we did. Since then I have been experiencing the leveling out of highs and lows as is expected. What I discovered was that the stroke affected my emotions in a way that brought a lot of deeply buried feelings to the surface. I learned my mother was also BPD and a victim of childhood trauma, as I myself was, having grown up in an abusive alcoholic home, either abused by my mother mentally and emotionally or by my father physically. Either way, I came across this forum and started reading, then started crying, and there was a sense of not being alone that I have not felt since I was a young child. I hope this is a safe place where I can share my feelings and be heard. Thank you for being here
This is going to sound crazy, it sounds crazy to me. I am a recovering alcoholic of 23 years, recently widowed, retired, disabled father of 2 teenagers. I have been in and around recovery for a long time and thought I understood a few things, but some interesting things have happened to me to bring about changes in me, revealing things to me that were hidden before. I had a stroke 2 years ago. Before that, my emotions were mostly masked by mood stabilizing meds due to my marriage to my wife, a survivor of early childhood trauma who developed BPD, and as a result I became the person she exercised her demons on. She developed pancreatic cancer and passed away in October of last year and I was devastated, the sad longing for her return to health that never came, the intimacy longed for that never materialized after 18 years of working to make it happen, was gone, and I realized not only was she wounded, but I was as well. After she passed away I went to my doctor and asked him to be taken off the meds, and we did. Since then I have been experiencing the leveling out of highs and lows as is expected. What I discovered was that the stroke affected my emotions in a way that brought a lot of deeply buried feelings to the surface. I learned my mother was also BPD and a victim of childhood trauma, as I myself was, having grown up in an abusive alcoholic home, either abused by my mother mentally and emotionally or by my father physically. Either way, I came across this forum and started reading, then started crying, and there was a sense of not being alone that I have not felt since I was a young child. I hope this is a safe place where I can share my feelings and be heard. Thank you for being here