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Something I want others to know about cptsd..

I work in the medical field- surgery specifically. I'm surrounded by people who show no inkling of understanding of the complexities of trauma, much less cptsd.
I don't have a baseline personality to get back to. All the time my brain was supposed to be making me into a person was spent in a cycle of shame/survival mode. I was in ongoing trauma for 8 years, up until I was 16. I'm a person built of reactions and self-soothing. It makes it hard to get along with the lay-people. I feel things more acutely and I don't fault people for the ways they've chosen to survive.
I think it makes me a superior caregiver despite it all.

I needed to tell myself this today so maybe I'm not the only one who could use it.
You're doing really well with your circumstances. You've had a harder life than most. Everyone has "failures". You're in very real pain and you still carry it the best you can and show up for those who rely on you. You're not a good person despite your pain, you're a good person with a lot of pain.
I don't know.
It helped me get back out of bed.
Hope you have a good day, my fellows.

Welcome to the forum! I'm new here as well. I found cPTSD info some time ago and I remember clearly how that aha moment felt. How liberating it can be to realize you responded naturally and right as a young human to intense stress.
I hope you find everything you're looking for. 

Good morning.

I'm waking up today from a long weekend shift, so I'm not at my best. I've been contemplating how to make this post and what to write that doesn't feel like melodramatic droll. I've never really had my mental health under control, despite years of trying to figure it out, medicate it, and doing my best to be well-rounded and active. I always land right back here, in this exhausted, sweaty spot, empty and hungry and tired of it.
I'm 37 and a mom of 3. 2 boys, 18 and 17, and a girl, 8. They've been my whole reason to keep it together since I was a teenager myself. My oldest is leaving next week for the Air Force. He's smart and funny and I'm so very proud of him.. but it feels like a huge part of my will to survive is going to be gone. I know not GONE but never the same again. It's over, his childhood. My 18 years with him. It hurts and I'm trying to let myself feel it and give it that space and respect so I can handle it like a normal human. I'm hoping that feeling things is the best way through them. Where is the line between feeling things and dwelling on them? Because I've been feeling things just fine since I was 8 and that doesn't make them any better. I didn't bury or hide my childhood trauma, but I wasn't honest about what it really was until a few years ago when I told my parents about my older brother and the years he used me for exploration. I finally brought it up honestly in therapy and I put him and his family through a cps checkup out of the blue. So I feel like the jerk. His secrets blew up and his wife stayed and now he's in therapy, so good for him. He'll be fine, he always is. He's the golden child.
Obviously I, however, harbor shame and resentment and all the things that come from csa and for some reason I feel like I can never be okay, not for long anyway.
I feel like broken is all I am and all I'll ever be. I've built and rebuilt myself and it always falls apart because it's forced. I'm in a stage now where all I've done is unmake and unmask and holy moly... it's nothing but darkness and bitterness underneath.
I need this forum. I need people who understand, if nothing else. Thank you guys for being here and for reading this.

-L

Hello, all. My name is one I used back when I was a teenager (20 years ago, when AOL was my social stomping grounds) and it's also the one I've been most embarrassed about, so I decided to bring it back. There's an inner child of some form or other in me who needs a voice and this is the first place i reckon I'll find safety and commaraderie for her.