Messages

I'm very sorry for what your husband said, that sounds very harsh to me. I hope you can sleep a little and take care of yourself first and foremost.

i'm not used to living with fear yet.

Yes, that's hard. 

Today I started a compassion note journal and am going to try keeping compassionate written notes to myself in that place.

That is a great idea! (I "should" try that too.)

about the book

and

I may check it out, too.

I just wanted to add it contains some words we would not want to use anymore nowadays.

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when you feel better about yourself, you'll have more to give to you, more awareness of what's ok or not ok for you (regardless of how anyone else deals w/ a situation similar to yours), more acceptance of how you want to caretake or not, etc.

Yes, that's where it starts. I still find it really hard chosing me first.

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If she has emptied the well and is now doing nothing to help it refill -

In my (sparse) angry moments, I would say: 'well, forget it then.' But most days, I still feel obliged to help her. The biggest problem is she is old now. I feel I'm too late to let her be on her own. If it had been twenty years ago, she could have found some other people to make her feel less alone, but now I feel I cannot expect her to anymore.

focusing [less on the progress] and more on the foundations

That sounds reasonable indeed. But how would this be done in practice? I think actually we are mainly focussing on the foundations. The therapist will ask me what has been troubling me the most the past few weeks and then we look into whatever trauma is underneath those troubles. Then, we are working through some of the most traumatic events, rescripting them or doing EMDR, which makes them a little less likely to trigger me as much now. These sessions do make me a lot calmer.

Seems like we start over every day. Doing something good for ourselves every day, even if it seems ever so 'little'. It's not little. It's a big thing we are taking care of ourselves. Getting better a tiny bit every day. (Please disregard if this doesn't ring true, just my feelings here.)

Thank you NarcKiddo and San for your thoughtful comments.

What strikes me most is I realise now that when I'm writing these things initially, part of me still thinks I'm 'overreacting', making a big deal out of nothing, seeking 'too much' attention. And then when I see your comments, I see that I'm not. It really is 'something'. I need the validation so much. So thank you.
I'm still surprised sometimes by the recognition I get here. Also from my T. And from the stuff I read.

And from the company social worker a while ago. She actually gave me quite a nudge to really get onto this path. She had worked with PTSS before and she told me what I had been feeling all these years, this continuous stress, was in fact not normal, although it was feeling normal to me. And she was quite alarmed by the things I told her. And how some people never get over this kind of stuff. And that helped me see.

I've also been reading about some people who recently got diagnosed as well (with different stuff but that's irrelevant here) and how life and their feelings over all these years now finally made sense to them. I just cannot seem to get over it.

Sometimes I'm still getting used to 'the way things are', with this diagnosis and all. How it just explains everything.  I just keep sighing with relief all day long these days. Almost makes me wanna cry.

How I coped all these years, I almost don't know.

Here I am.

 

Very interesting thread. I don't have any comments at the moment. But it does give me stuff to think about. Thanks for sharing this NarcKiddo.
(Okay, I may have a comment after all. It's something about how important it is to these people how things appear 'to the neighbors'. And it doesn't matter to them how they hurt the ones close to them. That struck me. I just cannot understand how this works for these people. How this could be okay for them.
- If I misinterpreted, please disregard.)

Whichever way this goes Rainy, I think you're so tremendously brave and strong, the way you're handling this, facing it head on. I am very proud of you. 

Also too, I could give buckets of co-dependent advice about you're mom... but I imagine you know all that already... logic vs emotions, etc.

I'm not so sure Chart. I've not studied this very much so far. So feel free to share any advice you have on this.

That's another nasty experience to have gone through - again and again. I'm sorry you had to. I have seen this happen to my brother too and that's hard. And it makes total sense you now react this way to food gone cold.
I know it doesn't make us feel better immediately, I wish it would too, but it is a big step to understand what's going on. And then maybe we can start feeling a little compassion for that little kid and for you now. You did nothing wrong not eating your food that way.
And I understand eating unhealthy snacks for comfort. It's comfort anyhow. Especially with the memory you have of less abuse.
 

Thank you Rainy and Armee.

the author of the book?

is William Wharton and it's titled 'Dad'.

 

I'm really sorry that happened to you Aphotic and I resonate strongly.
I've been blaming my 'Accomplice'-part for a very long time for going along and pretending to like the abuse, trying to keep it from getting even worse. You really do not need to blame yourself for doing this (in case you're doing that). It's survival. And you survived. You're here because of the way you coped, the only way you could.
And it's very logical to be repeating that pattern we know so well in other situations where we are reminded of it.
It's okay. And you noticed what was going on. Seeing that is a big step too.
And then being able to grieve it later on is HUGE. Very well done. Take lots of care Aphotic. 

You're so welcome! We all need it. Sending you some more hugs 

And I said to my T I would have wanted to have made some 'progress' by now (I'm also feeling pressed for time, since I only got coverage for so many sessions), that is feeling better instead of just all this feeling. And she reassured me we are making progress, but we are still in the middle of unraveling it all. I guess I want too much too soon. I really have a hard time accepting what it is. It'll be a lifelong journey won't it.

I think if my father had been around my future would have been even worse (addict, violent, criminal, prison)

Well, that's hard either way Armee. I'm sorry for that.

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And thank you all for the kind and supportive comments. I really appreciate it. I'm so glad we're here together.

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I've been feeling a bit wobbly, wanting to cry but not quite getting round to it. But okay enough mostly.

The book turned out to be quite the page turner. And it is just remarkable. The main character is also aged 52, like me. And it is almost like the teacher that gave me the book back then did have a feeling about what was going on in my life, although I don't see how he could possibly have. Because the book turned out to be about the kind of troubles all of us here had and why we ended up here. And about taking care of these parents somehow anyway now they're old. I really do think there is a reason why I read it now.

And I had been having trouble with myself going to work in my 'new' state, that is with the vulnerable and feeling 'me' (a 'me' with feelings that is). I had somehow gotten this idea that I should now be feeling everything all the time. And that was too much to handle obviously. And this week, I made acquaintance with a new colleague and I felt bad about it, because the 'old'/detached/not feeling anything/professional/fun-me took over completely. And after our meeting, walking through the corridors, I distinctly felt the new/feeling-me return.

And I had another very helpful session with my therapist yesterday. And after that, yesterday evening, something my T had said made me realise that this detached part actually also needs be allowed to be here. It turns out that since I have allowed my vulnerable me to emerge (a few months ago?), I didn't want the detached me to return anymore, but yesterday I realised it's okay that she's here too, that she comes out many times still, it's a very old pattern AND it has kept me alive, she totally saved me! I would not still be around if it weren't for my detached me. So I feel better when I accept her as well and allow her to be here too.

And I've been feeling bad about myself because I have a very good and dear friend who has also been taking care of her difficult mother for many years (a lot longer than I have) and she just seems to have this endless love to give to her mother still. And I know this friend is actually traumatised by her mother too and other things that happened, and I don't know how she can keep it up. I just don't have it in me to even put an arm around my mother, even though she is so fragile and needy. I just don't know how to do it. And I hate that she's so needy, the way she is needy. And I feel so bad about it.

Because she IS most of the reason I can't do it. And everyday she texts me 'good morning' and 'good night', we arranged this so we know she is all right, she's living alone and this is so we know she didn't fall or hurt herself or whatever. We arranged this because her neighbor had suggested it actually. And I think she likes it actually. It's like she's got two opportunities every day to let me know how lonely she is. Just the passive aggressive way she likes it. And that puts me back in the situation when we were young and we had to make it better for her - twice every day. And when I don't visit her every week, she says just to call her sometimes and I just can't get myself to do it. I just feel this huge resistance. I just don't want to. And I feel really bad about that.

Maybe when I'll start feeling better about myself, I will have more to give? To her? I don't know.

Well anyway, after yesterday's insight on the detached part being allowed to be around, I did feel a lot better today, also at work.
So what I'm learning is, it is so important to allow ALL my parts to be here.

And I'm really tired too today. I've really been working hard on all of this stuff. I think I still just wanna get through it all and have it over with. Which won't work.

Long post. Sorry about that.