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Thanks BB.

Thanks BB. There does not seem to be a 'new posts' section apart from just the latest one. Navigation seems very complicated here.

Goodness, does anyone else have problems with this site regarding replying to people?

@dollyvee

"Regarding the food sensitivities, have you tested for SIBO, or gut dysbiosis? I have those as well, but don't think they're going to budge until I clear the mold unfortunately."

Yeah I am sure I have that as well but have not tested yet.

For example, Carolyn says that as someone who has had DID and severe abuse both sexual and other, including rapes resulting in two pregnancies in a very young girl, having a counsellor who is empathetic is far more important than 'trauma informed'. I was under the belief that it was something that I should look for.

I agree. I believe empathic-connection is the single most powerful element in the therapeutic process. At the core of ALL developmental trauma is utterly failed attachment/connection. This is titanicly important for childhood self-conception and the capacity to auto-regulate (mind and body). Realizing that empathic-connection is actually possible (even far later in life) is phenomenally important and is probably the true beginning of recovering from trauma.

***How to tell if you have empathetic connection with your counsellor if you don't know what it is, is the question. Also how to know if you could find better. I suppose you have to kiss a few frogs first.

The thing I am concerned about with my new counsellor with whom I am happy for now, is when the allotted sessions end (20) I do not want to have to wait months on a list. So perhaps you have to start 'interviewing' before it ends.

I also had the latest results from the lab I use that does Hair Tissue Mineral Analysis. This tests for minerals and their ratio as a way of seeing what exactly is going on in the body regarding metabolism and stress levels. Blood tests are not so good as the blood is constantly balanced by the body to keep things going and changes constantly.

Thank you for that info! Absolutely fascinating. So many doctors ONLY use blood tests and NEVER discuss the limitations in testing a medium that is in constant flux.

***Exactly. It is used for forensic purposes too.

I also dislike my screen name, as I was never given a first chance! So hello again.

You can change your screen name anytime you like. This won't effect your posts. (Just confuse some folks a little:-)

***

For me, I've found that health issues can significantly impact the way I am experiencing my trauma, which unfortunately seems to be quite overlooked.

However, my t's have been open to it. I found that when inflammation is high, when I eat gluten etc, I have a lot more "body anxiety" and it can be difficult to approach things in a more calm mindset.

However, once I began treating these things (gluten is a huge one for me as well as mycotoxins), it helps stabilise my mood.

I'm exactly the same. I've been experimenting with the Keto diet and it's having a marked impact on my depression.

***The worst thing for me is with Lyme and the moon phases whereby there is a lot more bacterial activity during a full moon.

 

dollyvee thank you for the hug which is much appreciated.

I have been off gluten for a long time and now am off other things like dairy and was off all grains for a time and am highly sensitive to chemicals and many other toxins. I have got my flat pretty much chemical free and low EMF's yet still have high inflammation.(I know Neil Nathan)

There have been many years of fixing these things. I don't depend on doctors AT ALL nowadays and stay well clear.

I did manage to get my then GP to refer me to Hemmel Hempstead private clinic in London but am pleased I did not do what they wanted to do which was put a piccline in for antibiotics as I have heard bad things about that.

Thanks Stussy7. I think that working on my trauma has reduced the time I spend on studying recent findings on health issues  - Lyme conferences etc, so it is an issue but the main thing I think could be nutritional as I began a new highly absorbable magnesium supplement which apparently is bad for weak adrenals so they crashed.

I am off all supplements at the moment working it all out.

Hi Stussy7

I was diagnosed with ME/CFS some 30 years ago, but I think it was a wrong diagnosis and it should be Environmental Illness as mine is due I think to the mercury and pesticide poisonings I have had since the age of 10 months. But I have to use that diagnosis for benefits and it is true that most of the symptoms are mine.

I have read that chronic nervous system arousal, will cause nutritional deficiencies, which will after time, produce illness including ME/CFS. I think this is part of my problems. I have tried to study and work out which nutrients I need but now think that this is not he best way ahead and can cause its own problems.

I have recently started using home made nettle leaf infusion to help provide what is missing as well as my organic clean diet and am working on the rest with the help of someone who is preparing a report of my latest HTMA (hair tissue mineral analysis). There are other ways of providing nutrition apart from depending on supplements, the companies of  which are increasingly being taken over by Big Pharma.

I have been disappointed that despite working hard on my trauma this past year, I have been getting worse but think I understand now why adrenal have crashed.

Best wishes to you.

Sorry I've not been around since November. It has been my health problems - getting so much worse, and having to spend so much time researching and trying things out. No help with chronic Lyme here, in fact I have heard sufferers say their GP laughed when they said they thought their problems was due to this.

During this time, I have found two new counsellors - both from charities and both subsidized, and I have had two sessions with each, so now I must choose. Well I have chosen but have wondered whether I could keep going with two and if that ever works out.

Neither has asked me if I do have another counsellor, so I feel that I am not breaking the rules, (though the juggling will be difficult) and my recent finding of Carolyn Spring, coach and teacher on cPTSD has shown me that, the things that I have accepted from the big traumatologists are not necessarily true.

For example, Carolyn says that as someone who has had DID and severe abuse both sexual and other, including rapes resulting in two pregnancies in a very young girl, having a counsellor who is empathetic is far more important than 'trauma informed'. I was under the belief that it was something that I should look for.

The first counsellor is the first one I have felt that she is sitting alongside of me. We gelled quickly even though she is not trauma informed but she gets me. The other is not empathetic and after-wards I do not feel great which I do after the first one. But I wondered if I could use the session to maybe talk about different aspects of the huge grief I carry if two sessions are better than one.

I also had the latest results from the lab I use that does Hair Tissue Mineral Analysis. This tests for minerals and their ratio as a way of seeing what exactly is going on in the body regarding metabolism and stress levels. Blood tests are not so good as the blood is constantly balanced by the body to keep things going and changes constantly.

My results have been concerning this past year. The good news is that I found someone who can interpret them in greater depth for me and advise about diet and helpful herbs. She is on the same page as me concerning natural healing.

So there has been a lot going on for me and I feel that after the last NHS counsellor, I had become stuck, but now am hopeful again. 

Apparently I am now in adrenal burnout and it will take some time to put right, and my kidneys are showing sign of trouble, as well as spikes in blood sugar. I do feel terrible. However, since hearing that I am in a bad way, I have all of a sudden been able to control my overeating and weight is going down which will help.

Carolyn Spring has been a great help to me having bought two of her books and taken a course of hers. I love her!

I also dislike my screen name, as I was never given a first chance! So hello again.

Interesting. I see four cycles.

1. The day cycle: worse in the morning. It clears up when I go out for a walk.
2. The seasonal cycle: worse in the winter. It clears up with daylight.
3. The hormonal cycle. I am flooded by trauma, whenever my hormones drop. With quitting the pill. With quitting breastfeeding. With PMS. I brace myself for menopause. I even had menstrual psychosis years back. It is not like schizophrenia. More like terror-flashbacks with extra creepy special effects. They start one or two days before my period. And clear up when my period starts.  I had a doc prescribe antipsychotics for the terror-flashback once. I did not take them. And was normal two days later. She celebrated. Saying she never saw the meds work so fast and good on someone. I informed her I did not take them. She disbelieved me. Insisting it were the meds. I think they had a long-distance effect from my cupboard then.
4. The moon cycle. I have my flashbacks and terror-flashbacks during fool moon. And even more so with blood moon. With blood moon I withdrew into nature once to camp. Was in total freeze mode for a night. Then came out normal the next day. When the sun came up. It is real weird. I sometimes joke that I am a werewolf.
 
Anyway. I'm superinterested in the lunar bipolar story. They think menstrual psychosis is a bipolar disorder. With downs during PMS and ups during the rest of the month. It's quite cool the moon cycle fits into it as well.

I also have to test for Lyme. Interesting you bring it up. I had a tick bite and red spot, but they refused to treat me. I've never been tested.

Testing is not easy as there are plenty of false negatives. Many Lyme doctors go on symptoms now for a clinical diagnosis, backed up if possible with a test.

One way you can do it is to take herbs etc that will cause a herxheimer reaction. But you have to start slow and low to make sure they are not unbearable. Cats' Claw is one.

Many are now saying that you must treat for life as it will not go away. But you can put it into remission.

The sooner you find out the better. It is very difficult to treat.

Secondchance, Armee, Chart, Thank you for sharing this healing journey with me. It wouldn't be possible alone. All the souls on this forum are here for a reason, and that is that we all want to connect with others who feel what we feel.

Today's Journal Entry

I'm starting to feel my strength again. Four weeks of utter defeat have started to morph into a desire to stand up and be counted again. It started about 4 days ago. I have begun to focus more on my spiritual health than my physical health. (SecondChance, as part of your list of things we do to heal: I'm starting to not want to drink so much coffee. 4 days ago I went from 5 cups a day to 1. I just don't feel like I need so much of it all of a sudden. One cup a day keeps the headache at bay. No more is needed than that).

4 days ago, I started hearing different things in everything from TV shows to books I'm reading, that were about people who've had traumatic pasts. These are the words that people probably say every day, but I hadn't heard them until my mind was ready to hear them. Suddenly I'm being bombarded by people who were all about turning their painful pasts into personal strength and power. I realized that I've been looking at my scars as scars, whereas those who are fighting the good fight in life view their scars as badges showing the world that they survived and are stronger now because of it.

IT's not a sudden magic bullet. I didn't wake up and walk into a phone booth, flash some lights and come out as an invincible superhero. This new paradigm, that my past is proof I'm resilient, is moving into my consciousness slowly. Fear is slowly leaking out one foot while courage is slowly starting to fill from above.

My spirit life is more real to me than my physical life is. My T believes this is partially due to my MDMA experience in July. I saw the Love that is our Universe. More than just seeing it, I experienced it. Experiential learning is FAR more impactful than book learning. What I experienced while under MDMA was 4 hours living IN pure love. I didn't read about it. I was there. I felt it. I saw it. T believes that has changed me in the same way Near Death Experiencers are changed.

And, somehow, because I believe Love is stronger than anything on earth, I'm starting find myself feeling less upset over the crapola that happens on the planet and more interested in raising my own level of gratitude for being who I am. I don't need to fix any physical things. I don't need a new house or a new job or a new spouse or more money or a handsome face to find gratitude.

I think of the day my first son was born. The birth happened at 1 am on a Sunday morning, after a frightening day of struggle for my wife, who, ended up in an emergency C-Section to save her and the baby. After all that terror was done, and both were alive and resting, I was alone with my baby boy. The hospital was quiet. It was the middle of the night. The nursery was a far walk from the delivery room. I would hold my son in one arm and drag his bassinette through the halls to and from the nursery. Nurses chuckled as I was carrying him and dragging his cradle. I couldn't put him down. I was on top of the world. He was beautiful. I was a dad. I was HIS dad. Out of all the days I've lived since my own birth, that day was the most beautiful for me. I was in a state of gratitude that encompassed every other aspect of my life. Nothing could hurt me that day. Nothing in the world frightened me. My past meant nothing. My future was not even on my mind. I was staring into the eyes of my firstborn, and I felt nothing but gratitude.

That's my goal for how I want to feel for the rest of my life. And as of the past four days I've felt a tinge of energy making me think that sometime in the next few days, weeks or months, I'm going to be ready to fight for the downtrodden again. I've done this in the past. I've volunteered as an advocate for sexual assault victims, and I've hosted support groups in person and online. I do this when I feel like my past is my muse for how I will live my present. My scars are proof that I'm a survivor. My experiences with pain and abandon are my teachers, not my enemies.

I wish I could say that I believe I'm turning a corner that I'll never have to come back to, but I am wise enough now to know that you make hay when the sun shines, because it might start raining again later. If I keep feeling stronger now, perhaps it will be a good time for me to find a place to help again--while I'm in the mental place to do so. Someplace that lets me feel like my past mattered. If I just sit here as a victim, then my past defeated. But, if I use my experiences to help others, then my past becomes my strength. Empathy. The greatest healing power available to mankind. Empathy.

So, I can't predict how long I'll feel the strength, but I can report that the past 4 days have been improving. My spiritual life is deepening. My physical life is calming. I hope this lasts a long time, but thinking about the future only adds fear to the mix. THINKING ONLY about the present moment allows me to just say, "I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow, but today I'm ready to lend a hand where it's needed." Hurray for today.

Thank you again to everyone for all the support we all give to one another. This is how true love is supposed to look. A desire to support one another. Anything to bond us together is love. It is not lost on me at all. I value the love that's shared back and forth on this forum. And as Mother Teresa used to say, "love not put into action is only a word." Here's it carries weight. The love on this forum isn't empty words. I know that most of us care about each other. And that settles my heart.

Papa Coco my heart was giving little leaps when I read this about you gaining strength and clarity. I love the bit where you talk about wearing scars like badges!

In these times, those who have recovered from severe childhood issues and can be a beacon for others are going to stand out like shinning stars in future days, and watching you come to the forefront is going to be so exciting!

Hence they are going to be targets for the enemy of souls, who convinces most that he does not exist. But we know his trademarks and can be vigilant. Confusion and discouragement are two of them whereas if we are in the light all is made clear.

I pray that you will come though. The world needs you!

You did great reducing coffee from 5 cups to one! Specific supplements like b vits. and magnesium help with addictions and make the break for us much easier.  Headache could be the start of withdrawal. That is a beautiful story about your son!

[Indeed it was, for the time it lasted. In my childhood I had to avoid being seen and heard at all costs. It was just unsafe.]

TW/spirituality

Secondchance
Your experiences sound wonderful. Shyness is very painful and it must have been an immense relief to have this lifted from your shoulders. You have it in you to speak in front of a crowd with ease, that's great to know, isn't it!?

Indeed it was, for the time it lasted. In my childhood I had to avoid being seen and heard at all costs. It was just unsafe.

I can't know if I understand where you're at right now, but I can relate to undergoing an big shift and navigating a lot of confusion in the wake of that. I'm talking about a process of many years, which never really finished. cPTSD symptoms did disappear to a significant degree for a while. What this means and how to continue from there is a highly personal quest.

Indeed plenty of confusion, but your words have assisted me in the quest. I have looked into spiritual bypass and see there is some danger there, but only if one becomes passive which to me is what he enemy of our souls wants. So it is a case of working on it when dysregulated at he same time as having faith that it can be overruled when one is in grace.

From what I gather from your writing, it seems to me that you're looking for spiritual support rather than psychological support, am I right?

Both actually.

 I came to the conclusion that for me, the way out is through. So dealing with complex trauma on a psychological level and prioritizing connection with others.

The main reason the earlier quote is used in the PSIP context, is to make it clear the modality does not aim to operate on the level of spirituality, in contrast to other interventions with psychedelics. PSIP deals with cPTSD type challenges on a psychological and somatic level. This does not deny the importance spirituality can have in people's lives. It may even remove barriers in that sense. But the focus in this modality is on dealing with psychological issues. In particular the kind people on this forum are dealing with. That's why I think it deserves to be mentioned here, under the "Therapy" label.

I think I am a bit more wary of interfering with that most complex of organs.

Yesterday I watched the first part of a conversation between PSIP practitioners, in which they discussed the three tiers of transformation, in which the third is the realm of the mystical, transpersonal, unity, etc. that is not worked with in PSIP. The reason for not aiming for that in this modality is that people sometimes end up "forgetting" to do the difficult work in the other tiers and the material keeps showing up until it's dealt with. Working with high dose psychedelics is inherently destabilizing, yet they have immense healing potential. So I'm really happy there are people who have developed an approach which incorporates low/moderate dose psychedelics in a psychotherapeutic modality.

SenseOrgan

I would not look to scientists, who are probably in the main, atheists,  for advice about spiritual matters. That's not to say that a scientist is excluded from them, as we do have scientists who are Christian. But I would look to somewhere that has a huge input from various sources, like the early church writings, that center on the experiential spirituality that the western church has lost. And they considered church to be a hospital for the spiritually sick.

Going back to my own experience, I did not make it clear, sorry, that I was not meaning a 'peak' experience, but for the first time, something that went on for about 18 months.

I had experienced a conversion experience long before that, and it made a long lasting difference to me, but I am still trying to make sense of these things in light of my more recent understanding of the enlightenment of what my lifelong problem has been ie cPTSD.

The later experience, was what would be called Spirit Baptism, where I had such peace and joy that I had never known before and one thing stood out regarding my lifelong painful shyness. I know I could speak in front of a crowd with ease for the first time ever. However memories are clouded and I need to be back there.

Thanks for your input.

Papa Coco

I agree with you that your condition at birth is significant, speaking as a trained nursery nurse. Astounding - must have scored 20 out of 10 on the APGAR (condition at birth score).

I see you as exceptionally gifted from birth, for what I discern as your life purpose in aiding the traumatized. 

But you can go two ways.

Full moon really knocks me into dysregulation due to Lyme hatchlings. I treat them rife therapy) during this time and hope to see an improvement soon.