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Hi John I have just read through your story and many aspects seem similar to my experience. My Father was a sociopath (not just a turn of phrase, an actual sociopath) who delighted in cruelty, physically and mentally. My Mum wasn't much better and routinely joined in or ignored his brutality altogether. Just before I left home, I was set up by people I thought were my best friends, locked in a room and raped multiple times. I too thought I had worked through it, somehow dragged myself through university and eventually got married to my amazing husband and we have 2 girls. I thought I was doing OK but I have recently ended an 8 year friendship with someone I thought was a true friend, only to realise she was a manipulative narcissist. Now I distrust everyone. I don't leave my house much and can't be around 'normal' people. My CPTSD makes me act oddly, and it is too personal an issue to explain when you don't trust people, it just makes me vulnerable to attack as i found out from my so-called friend. So here I am! I am thinking of going back to therapy again, but tbh I am not hopeful. Please contact me if you feel it would help, I think just being in touch with someone who is going through a similar thing could be a comfort. Sorry for long post and thanks for reading

Hi lagoulue1892 I am new here too It's a relief to not feel so alone. Please reach out to me if you ever need it, I can provide a sympathetic ear and a virtual hug.

The kindness of your reply has breathed a tiny bit of life into me, thank you. I live in an almost constant freeze state, it can take hours to just get in the shower. I often can't bring myself to prepare food. Days pass like I am in stasis. I have found that I often can not speak but I can usually write. Reading was my only real escape in childhood, so I have always loved books and words. Maybe that is why this method of communication usually remains open to me, and why I am not overwhelmed by the idea of this forum. I hope to take some refuge in it and it's anonymity. 'I hope' - I don't say that very often.

Hi everyone, I have lived with CPTSD for decades and was finally diagnosed during Covid lockdown. I don't know anyone else with this condition and people just do not get it. I am continually exhausted, isolated and deeply mistrusting of people. I have the full range of symptoms which makes daily life a misery. I find little joy in life and I am in denial about my suicidal feelings. This is the first time I have acknowledged that I have them. If I knew I was going to die in my sleep I would shrug, lay down and drift away. If I lived in a country where guns were readily available I doubt I would still be here. I just don't have any strength left, hope has kept me going but I am running out of that too. My life is a failure, I am utterly trapped by my brain. I am here because I don't want to damage my kids, and that is all. I don't know what to do. I don't have the energy or ability to engage with recovery. I don't really believe I can recover. I have fought this for my whole life, it is me. I pretend to be normal every second of the day. I just don't want to any more.