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One thing I have taken from my T regarding Walker is, take what works and leave the rest. He is writing from the POV of someone with CPTSD as well as being educated about trauma, so I kind of view it as "this worked for me, try and see if it works for you" type of self help manual, and some of it is great. I haven't finished the book myself but I have found a lot of comfort from it in the parts I have read and discussed with my T. There are parts I didn't identify with but overall I am thankful it was suggested to me. 

My inner critic is my parent's words. Specifically my dad. For me personally telling the inner critic to shut up exacerbates things as it removes me from the moment and makes me come from a place of anger. Standing up for myself wasn't safe. Grounding work helps a lot when the inner critic is fierce. I like to narrate what I'm doing out loud. It quiets the inner critic if I move slowly and talk about what I'm doing. 

What I imagine if I wrote this is that the empathy I couldn't find for my IC could be the same treatment I received when I was a child. I needed empathy but there was none offered or given, so I don't understand how to show that part of me empathy because I never learned that empathy for me even existed at that age. IC work is so challenging.
I take my IC on hikes and buy him chocolate milk. I don't make him share. I tell him I love him.

For me it's the feeling that I am about to come under attack or I am in danger. That I have to protect myself and/or justify my actions to infinity. My back feels super bruised and it's hard to move my body. My heart rate jumps. My breathing gets ragged like I'm jogging. I break into a cold sweat. Tears stream from my eyes but I'm not physically sobbing. I feel terrified that I am going to be abandoned but I also have a primal need to distance myself from everyone. My outer critic is on hyperdrive. My inner critic is vicious.
I am so happy that I see these EF for what they actually are. I'm not crazy, I'm traumatized.

1. Grounding and parts work. I use Pete Walker's recommendations for managing EFs and it helps quite a bit. Visualization.

2. EFs are not fun, but, I've learned to listen to the parts in me that are crying out during them. If I can acknowledge them enough, the intense unpredictable part of the EF releases and I have a strong somatic response. After that it's just the scary and sad part of the EF that lingers, I don't have a handle on that yet but I'm hopeful. I need to give myself more grace and space. Sometimes I just grit my teeth and hope I don't literally implode.

I recently learned that I have EFs. My entire life I've called them breakdowns. I thought I was destined for the looney bin.
I have them when I am feeling overwhelmed and too much is being asked of me. When I am feeling ignored and treated like a burden. A sudden loud single pop or single bark will do it. Feeling like I am disappointing and failing those around me are also 

This is my first day here. I'm glad you are here.

Hello - I have CPTSD. I have flashbacks, mostly emotional. I have had them more or less my entire life. Sometimes my body won't do what I want it to do. When I process trauma I tend to have a strong somatic response. I am 42m with a 2 year old daughter that is amazing. I will give her the safety all children deserve to feel in their parent. It is my greatest honor to try and do so.

I have been in various forms of therapy for almost all of my adult life, currently EMDR and I have positive things to say about it.

Recently I made a break thru with processing and understanding the parts work and I am giving OOTS a try to see if I can make some connections for support. My therapist recommended that I might benefit from support groups.

Why am I here? Trauma. 

Trigger warning

As a child, the adults around me made choices that drastically impacted my life. Those choices had a cascading effect that I was abandoned to navigate when I was much too young to be alone with those kinds of emotions. I'm not sure how much detail to go into in an intro post.

I was involved in an accidental death when I was 4. 2 children were left unsupervised in a home with accessible firearms. My parents weren't equipped to help me with it. My dad was abusive and couldn't see me as an individual. My mom was a covert narcissist and wouldn't see me as an individual. The judge in my case told my parents I needed to be in organized sports to "let out my anger" so they put me in martial arts. I was sexually abused by the instructor of a martial arts summer camp.
I think that's enough of a dump for now.

I look forward to talking with you. I hope we can offer each other the comfort, compassion, and grace that we all absolutely deserve. I am terrified to share, but, I trust the process with my life.

It took me a long time to get to this point and I have a strong desire to keep healing.