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Hi León,
another scapegoat with narcisstist family members sending you support and understanding 

I love your youtube story! I was in therapy already when I fell into the youtube-cptsd rabbit hole and just knew "I have that!". (and yep, now officially diagnozed) So I'm really grateful for youtube too.
I start EMDR soon too and can recommend you 2 books, which are I guess, like trauma-classics:
Complex PTSD - From surviving to thrieving from Pete Walker
and
Home Coming from John Bradshaw
I am working with a behavior therapist, who luckily has an antenna for narcissism but no trauma training.
He was the one leading me to the fully picture, how my family really is. So until I start EMDR, these books really have helped me to explain, teach and provide practises to release grief.
I hope that might be helpful to you. And I'm looking forward to reading from you more.
Welcome     

Awesome BrightArrow! 
We've never met but i feel very proud of you! I am in a similar stage at the moment and it is SOOOO cool when we (finally) have the capacity to think in new ways and even better, trying it out!
Applause :-)

 

DesertFlower, I agree with Apothic. Sounds like the direction of abandonment and emotional abuse for me too (gaslighting elements?).
I know that too well too .
For me my narcissistic dad and sis were in the focus of damaging me, as they are quite intense and cruel.
My mum was always "the sweet, self-sacrificing" one to everyone. But actually she isn't, it's all just more hidden and twisted. E.g. she cooked us a warm meal every day, brang us to our hobbies, but when it came to guiding us through emotional challenging situations, she so terribly failed! One day e.g. me and a classmate from primary school had a playdate at my place and she didn't show up. My female classmates were bullying me, so that was on purpose! What did my mum do? She called the girls parent. Another classmate was with her playing. And my mum brang me there!!!
This sounds so little, but there are so many failed elements and missed opportunities in there - protection, dealing with anger and sadness, honor, assertiveness....
This is just one very little example, but if it's piling up, we meet each other here 

1. I managed an important deadline today and was experiencing fear and sadness while I was taking care of my task. But it wasn't stopping me. I thought: ,,This is what you've done to me! This us you!My feelings are valid, but don't stop me!"
2. I went out to a concert from one of my modt beloved artists with my husband.
3. On that concert I met a women, who went there on her own, and she was just a nice soul.
Thankful for today <3

Shankara,
I read and saw online some studies about sugar and anxiety and about bloud sugar and anxiety. Basically when I have times don´t eat sugar at all, and then eat like a whole Ben & Jerries in the evening, I see the difference the next morning and my anxiety is much stronger. Also there are studies and good input from "the Glucose Goddess", about lowering the blood sugar curve, and what positive effects it has on your health and anxiety. Here too, I see it the next morning, if I did apply it or not.
My morning anxiety does not going away, but it is definately supportive to me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdTYFUnZDsU
Maybe thhis helps someone.

Thank you Blueberry 

Sunshine and warmth,

I'm so sorry for everything, what you are going through!
There is so much resonating with me. I come from a perfect-to-the-outside family with a narcicisstic abusive father, too.

Keep in mind, the narcissistic abusers want to make us feel unlovable, so that they can control us. They want us to feel small, so that they can feel bigger.
You are lovable. You are worthy. Period.

I am glad, that you found this forum. I am new here too, but can tell you already, that this is a safe space, with loads of people, who know exactly what you are talking about and happy to support.

I keep my fingers crossed for your last year at home and

wishing you a warm welcome here

Desert Flower,
I had the shivers reading, what your mum said to you.
Congragulations for reacting with that clear message, protecting yourself and your tattoos, and that this spontaniously in this direct confrontation! 
I know all to well, that standing up for ourselves, setting boundaries can feel so soooo hard for us or impossible. But you did it! You just did.

A seriously ment:
      to you

Update  :
I´d like to share an update with you guys, as I think it´s worth it for other survivors to read this experience  and I'd like to let you, Blueberry, know too, what an impact your message has made.

After we were writing here, I realized, that I was in my known-all-to-well freeze-fawn mode, and that your insight Blueberry brang me back to my adult body - having power.

My father was reaching out, too, later on that day. Wouldn´t it be so sad, it would be a good slapstick comedy, wouldn´t it?

So I put it into action and writing to both of them, respectful, but forceful, and adding a consequence, if they'd continue to contact me, I'd block them on my phone (they still would have the opportunity to reach me over other people, if some emergency would occur).

And this..... was a milestone in my healing process! It changed something in me.
The perspective, that I am able to do this! Standing up for myself! Not gentle, as before, more forceful and without the fear of consequences! I observed, that in that moment I didn´t care anymore, if they like it or not!
That was news to me!
I saw, that I have the opportunity here (with them) to train and try out new things – the ship for a good relation has sailed, anyways. That has some freedom in it, too.

I´m in my 40ies, but in this field, I´m still in "elementary school", at least with them.

After all that, I was able to release some good tears, truckloads of them.

I know the story with them can still bring new situations, I might need to deal with. But this experience is set.

I guess, that is what everyone here is talking about - the power of community. 
THANK YOU, for letting experience me this (after 3 days here!!!)  !  Thank you.

Slashy,
thank you so much for sharing your lucid dream experience here! : )
After reading your post, I read about the topic further and discovered, that I experience lucid dreams, too!
I have that since years, beeing in a state of half dreaming, half beeing awake, and not able to wake up properly,
always combined with nightmares. I never found anything, what helped me to solve the riddle.
Now, beeing the 3rd day in this forum, and checking the sleep section, after THREE minutes I had the answer!
 
Your post might really help here, with knowing what I have, it already did - I will try out some things. Thank you so much for sharing, again.
If you like, I´d be happy to read more from your experiences here. : )

Have safe sleep travels.

Thank you all and Kizzy for this thread! I was searching for new journaling input and here it is 
I´d like to share one, too, what was incredibly helpful  to me. It´s from Pete Walkers book "c-ptsd - from surviving to thriving".
In it, he  describes a client, who was unable to choose a mothersday card, as all the texts saying "thank you for...." just didn´t apply to his own experience with bis mum. So he said "Maybe I should start a mothersday card business, for people like me! Thank you mum, for never being there for me, Thank you mum for beating me up. ....."
I used that idea as a journaling prompt and felt it was incredibly helpful and resonating with me, with it´s sarcasm.
Maybe it´s useful for some here too. 

Aphotic,
it feels sooo good meeting someone with similar experiences and also I'm so sorry, that you need to go through this, too.

I very much like your analogy with the AAA battery! That's so true!
I have another one, you might like :
It feels like taking a bike-ride with others, but your bike has a flat tire, what no one notices. While everyone else is riding without effort, you get more and more exhausted and more and more behind and then you need to take a break. While the others have already arrived at the final destination, you are still struggling with your situation.

Thank you Blueberry I already read the link and the part with ,,communicating consequences and put them into action" very much resonates with me and is ringing a bell.
I have the right and power to be more forceful / strong in communication when my boundary has been crossed. As I'm in an emotional flashback since weeks now, only the thought of it, wasn't accessable to me!
Thank you Blueberry!

I am so sorry, reading you are struggling with that issue, too! It is already so hard and takes so much courage to go no contact. But toxic systems stay toxic. So it would be almost a wonder, if they were just accepting and understanding, wouldn't it?

Hi everyone,
I went no contact with my sister one year ago, and with mum and dad 6 months ago after trying to find non-toxic ways to be in contact with them, what failed, totally. My dad and sister are both maglinant narcissist and I am the scapegoat - yay.

No I am in a situation, and don't know how to deal with it. So I'd like to ask you guys:
Is anyone reading this with the same experience and a reaction, what worked out, or does anyone know a resource with this exact topic?

Here's the issue:

2 month ago my dad went to hospital with life-threatening issues 2 times in a row. Due to that, I was in contact again with him and my sister (my parents are divorced). My dad is very old, and beeing in hospital with something severe, I set myself as the exception for beeing there.
So after he was better and back home and I and my sister have handled some organisational to do's, I announced, that I go back to healing-no-contact-mode now (they know, that I have something phychic and my sister knows about cptsd).
That was ignored by both of them. My dad sent me SMS and my sister messages with all we still need to organize and how tiring and exhausting it is all for her.
So I got weak one little moment by writing: I can do those 3 tasks and then I am back to no contact.
Now, I've went to visit my dad, handled the tasks, told my sister about it and said to both: ,,I am back to healing. Write me if something very severe is happening, apart from that I'm back to healing and no-contact."
This is 4 weeks ago. My dad has accepted it (so far). But my sister has not. After my last call to her, ment to inform her about the done tasks and informing her about going back to no contact now, she sent me a message. She totally misread my call as "so sweet of you reaching out to me the first time, after so long - emoji hearts as eyes" I really didn't know what to answer to that. So I just didn't and was fine with that. 1 week ago I had then a missed call from her at 7 in the morning! I didn't react again. Now today, I have again 2 missed calls.
That's where I am at just now.
She didn't write afterwards, explaining reason of the calls. So I guess it's one of her phsychic games. I'd say, ,,just let her and ignore", but I am much worse and in severe freeze states, since the contact with them. And just seeing the notifications is triggering me completely. I handled at lot of situations with them in the past, but in this case, I have no f*** clue, what to do.  How to react or how to find a way to get less triggered.

Any idea welcome