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I am getting better every day. Thanks

Several things resonated in your post! '64, time I start loving myself' > yeah, I turned 60 in July. Also thinking it's about time, lol.

I don't know for sure if it's long Covid or not. Fortunately, it's nothing super debilitating although it's definitely been hard at times. Particularly the anxiety. I'm hoping EMDR can help release some of the junk in there. It definitely did last time.

Thanks for the support on ADHD. She's a pretty amazing kid, an incredible musician that is going to be professional and I don't worry for her overall. Getting her the right help feels a little overwhelming as there are so many options and I'm not keen to just stick her on any medication (not opposed to it, but you have to be careful, from what I've read) so it's going to take some work to figure out what works for her. Just more on my plate in an already difficult time. And she'll be applying to college in a few years and there's already prep for that that needs to happen... it's a lot. And I do it all, my husband is fairly incapable of navigating any of that (one of the many reasons why the marriage has failed.)

I totally get you on waking up to 'what's it going to be today?' Particularly with the anxiety, I feel like I never know what kind of day it's going to be. That alone can be exhausting.

I hope for a better life for myself in a few years. My divorce will hopefully have been finalized by then. I see myself in a cute townhome with a pool. I make some new friends who are loving, available and supportive. Maybe I can even totally let my hair down with them. Hard to say, so many toxic people out there, so many with unresolved issues. But even with that... I dream of better times where I have a peaceful, calm home that is my haven of self-love, self-compassion and security. I might get a dog. I will have time and space to sing and write songs. I will work. I will eat healthy food and workout. I will feel good most of the time.

That's the plan. Wish me luck getting there

Hugs to you, my brave and strong friend. Enjoy your day and I hope you find beauty in it.

I've been having a lot of reflections and 'ah-has' lately. I write them in my journal usually but I feel like posting this one here.

I realized this morning that I've never given myself permission to acknowledge fully what happened to me in my childhood. I have such a drive in me to live my life, to not let anything hold me back. It's not a drive that's masking anything, it's just the way I'm built. My mother had the same drive.

But in some ways, it has created denial because acknowledging what happened to me does require stopping long enough to feel some really painful things and face some really awful and hurtful truths.

I will admit I am afraid of that pain. And I've have looked the truth of what happened to me square in the face. But I think part of me has never allowed myself to really pause and stay with that truth.

I feel like at age 60 I am finally allowing myself to do this, knowing that it won't stop me, it won't make me fall apart. It might hurt a lot at times but it won't do me in.

If I'm being truthful, I think I'm afraid of it doing me in. Creating a total collapse where I fall apart, can't function.

I know this is just a fear though. I am too strong and my will is too strong.

Wondering if anyone else can relate.

If you're reading this, I hope you are well this morning or that you have something to comfort you if you don't.

Love to all my fellow survivors.

I'm feelin' Jimmy, gonna go with that, haha.

Covid blows, so bad. I am happy to tell you I'm doing better today. Anxiety is down although I feel like I can feel it lurking, low level. The headache finally quit and while I'm still fatigued, it's less and less every day. I am hoping I'll be back to regularly scheduled programming by next week.

I think I it's possible I have long Covid though. I started having anxiety out of the blue in the spring of 2023. Panic attacks too. I'd had them briefly in my 20s but all of a sudden they started up again. I had had Covid not too long before then. I started having gastro issues as well. Saw a functional med doc and also did HRT. All of that seemed to straighten me out for the most part but with this round of Covid, the anxiety came back and it feels identical to how I felt in 2023. So now... I'm wondering if LC... but it's really hard to say. Trauma? Covid? Hormones? My marriage falling apart? My incredibly talented and gifted daughter who we recently discovered has ADHD? All of the above? It's really hard to say. I guess I'm just glad I don't feel like I want to crawl out of my skin today.

I wish there was a doctor who could say 'oh, it's X and you should do Y to fix that'... but there only seems to be things they can try.

I kind of think it's all of the above and maybe in about 5 years I'll be doing a lot better. This is just a sh*t storm I have to get through. Excluding my daughter. She is not that, she is my blessing and my joy. Challenging sometimes but hey, who isn't?

It's a very new thing for me to be gentle and kind to myself. And yes, I was certainly capable of doing that for others and it's my general MO but when it came to myself... not so much. New days, new skills.

Glad I reminded you of that self-care. It's so important for people like us. And while it's not what it should have been, it's still valid and works and feels good.

You sound like you're farther along in forgiving than I am. Or maybe it's just that the wounds were re-opened with my mother's death, feeling some of the pain all over again. I've had a lot of flashback recently, not fun... I'm going to do some EMDR again. Found it to be super helpful. Have you ever tried that? My therapist also wants to start doing 'parts' work with me (internal family systems) – I only learned about this recently but I've it is also very helpful for trauma survivors.

It feels good to be alive, huh? In spite of what I lived through, I always come back to a place where I know how lucky I am to be alive and I am grateful for my life and all the possibilities I have just by being alive. I try to keep myself in that frame of mind as much as possible.

Take care of yourself as well!

Hey Papa... or should I call you Jimmy?

I'm so sorry I disappeared. I made my first posts from an out-of-town location and I had a two-day drive to get back home. The day after I got back, I came down with Covid. Bleh. That was this past Tuesday and it's been a pretty rough week. For reasons I don't understand, the variant seems to trigger neurological symptoms, anxiety in particular. I have been dealing with almost daily anxiety and it's been really hard, on top of the other symptoms. The fatigue and brain fog is awful and I had a headache/migraine for 5 of those days. So... yuck, it's been tough. I am slowly starting to get better though.

That was quite a story you posted and I'm so glad you were saved so you could go on to feel love and live your life.

Thank you so much for the reminder to be gentle with myself. I have a new thing now where I try to remember to mother myself whenever I am struggling. Been doin' a lot of that this week.

I hope you are doing well and that you've had more good days than bad. Thank you so much for being there

Oh gosh. I am so sorry. I can feel how painful the loss of your little sister is. I am sorry you lost her and at the hands of so-called family. It's very difficult for anyone who has not experienced this level of cruelty from blood relations to understand the depth of the hurt that has been caused. It's a hurt like no other.

With what I just experienced, I am now resolved - and very much at peace with this resolution - to never have any contact with any of them ever again. There is only one that would ever reach out to me again and I am thinking of changing my phone number so that he cannot.

I had a rather incredible thing happen when she died. Bit of a long story but I'll try to give the short version. I was at a recital my daughter was participating in. As she played, I was recording with my phone when I suddenly had an intense desire to send the video of my daughter to my mother. My mother was also a musician and it always saddened me that she never got to see what her granddaughter had become, even though I knew that protecting my daughter from my mother's cruelty was one of the most important things I could ever do. As soon as I got that feeling to send the video, I also had a sudden thought that my mother had died, or I at least wondered if maybe she had because the feeling to send the video was notably intense. As I left the recital, I was confronted with an elderly, frail woman who I later learned was the same age as my mother, making her way down the stairs of the recital hall. I thought of my mother again when I saw her. There are other details but it makes the story too long for a forum. Later that night when I got home, I saw that there was a phone call from the area code where I grew up. I knew instantly that my mother had died and that it was one of my brothers calling to tell me.

The other details of the story are somewhat remarkable as well. And you could easily say they were all coincidences. But I do not believe they were, especially the intense feeling I had to send her the video.

I am telling you this story because I agree with you -- these people go to their graves with no regret, no remorse and it is terrible, even criminal in some cases. But I believe -- and what happened to me that night confirms it for me -- that when we leave this earth, we have to face God and answer for how we have lived our lives. And I believed she deeply regretted what she did with and to my life in her neglect and abuse and was trying to communicate with me that night to tell me. So... it's comforting. I got a strange closure with her death that I did not expect.

This was all very recent (it happened last Friday night) and I feel like I am still putting the pieces of it all together. The next day I had an odd coincidence of seeing a mother and child on a merry-go-round that also felt like a message for me. Perhaps it was just my brain assigning meaning to random events in order to process my pain... but I don't think so.

Sorry this got rather long, I tried not to go into too much detail. It's nice to be able to talk about it here because how could I possibly relate this story to anyone who hasn't lived some variation of it and have them understand all the ramifications and meaning?

I wish you peace from the terrible truth of what you lived through. Even though we have just 'met', I am here in solidarity with you. Sending a hug back to you

Hello Mark... sending you a hug (if that is okay) as your story moves me to do so. I am also a survivor of SA. I have a daughter (much older than yours) and I'd do anything for her and her safety and security is probably my #1 priority in life. I get it. Congratulations to you for being there for her and being the parent you didn't get. It is a big deal.

I am sorry for what you have gone through and the pain I'm sure you have struggled to deal with. I hope you find some good support here 

Thank you all for responding. I feel a little less alone tonight <3

Dalloway, I think I understand what you're saying. I don't relish the idea of listening to the gore of other people's tragedies, either. I don't understand how therapists do it, honestly. It was painful enough to live through it and have to remember it. To listen to another human being tell their own tale of pain and suffering is very difficult. I think this is what you are saying. Apologies if I misunderstood. I am sorry that therapy is viewed that way in your country. At least you have this forum. I'm in the US where therapy is quite the norm for a lot of people but I still feel quite alone in my story and history, fwiw. It's just not party conversation, if you know what I mean, lol.

I have a friend IRL and she is lovely but she did not experience what I have and I can't bring myself to tell her what happened to me other than referring to it as 'trauma'... which then creates this veil of 'mystery' that I'm not really looking to create in my relationships either. It's an endless cycle, this stuff, at times. Sigh.

Blueberry, thank you for the idea of ACOA. I looked into it in my area and mentioned it to my therapist. She said she's heard mixed reviews of most of the groups except for one which is for parent's of alcoholic children which is not really my situation. I have tried 12 step and I'm not really a fan. I consider myself a Christian but I don't go to church. Maybe at some point here I'll explain how that works for me but suffice to say for now that the rigidity of the 12 step process does not resonate or work for me. So... I probably won't explore that.

Papa Coco, hey thanks and nice to 'meet' you. Hug appreciated and accepted I would wonder from time to time what it was going to be like when my mother died. Well-meaning friends/acquaintances had warned me of the regret I would feel at not having resolved our relationship before she died. I feel no regret. I had no tender memories of her mothering after I got the news, only flashbacks of the 3-4 worst things she did and the ramifications it had on my life. And the pain of having the news delivered to me in a brutally unkind fashion that was designed to hurt me. It was a rough couple of days... not saying that it will happen like that for you, just relating my experience. Anyway, thanks for your post and thoughts on this forum. I hope I can find some connection. I will look forward to future interactions as well

To be honest, most of the time I don't. I don't like collapsing, there is so much I want to do in life.

I totally understand the joy that singing brings and how it floods your body, particularly after a good lesson, but really any time.

1. I didn't feel like collapsing and was fairly productive.
2. The summer foliage is still quite green and lush and feels like a hug from Mother Earth.
3. I played some guitar and sang and it felt great.

Hello my survivor friends... I am new here but as I was journaling just now an idea popped up that I thought I would share here as I've got nowhere else to share it, if I'm being honest, lol. Laughing because I appreciate dark humor sometimes...

Anyway, after a really difficult 5 days where I had to relive extremely painful memories of one of my primary abusers (my mother) who died last week, I started doing something that could possibly be helpful to others.

I have been taking moments during the day to check in with myself and do something really kind and loving. Maybe it's some affirmative self-talk. Or looking in the mirror and looking at myself with unconditional love. Sometimes I even put my own hand gently on my cheek, the way my mother should have if she was capable of loving me which she wasn't. Wrapping myself in a comfy blanket. A cup of tea.

I'm going to start doing this every day, as often as I remember.

Maybe this will be helpful to some of you. Or, maybe some of you already do this? Maybe we can brainstorm together on things we can do to practice this.

Hey thanks. It does seem like a supportive place although to be honest, I haven't read that many threads. But what I've seen looks positive.

I used to cringe at the idea of going to in person support. I'm finding myself feeling like maybe I could meet other people that I might want to socialize with. I'm pretty lonely in my personal life, going through a divorce and I'm tired of hiding. That being said, to really know me means you have to understand what happened to me (even if I never share the details, which I usually don't.) It seems to come up in any relationship that is more than casual. Eventually they ask you about your family and then... I either lie, dance around the subject or tell them the truth (rarely). I don't want to lie any more and I find myself wanting to connect with people who really understand and have lived through it.

The one thing that makes me nervous about it is you never know where people are on their path of healing. But I guess that's true of 'normal' people as well. I mean... most people have some sort of trauma in their lives.

Thank you both for responding. A little light in the wilderness...

Have either of you tried any in person support groups? I have a therapist I'm working with but I am considering adding a support group with my healing. I saw that this site has some Zoom groups but I wouldn't want to do anything group oriented over Zoom. I kind of hate it and only use it when I have to for work.

Hello everyone... introducing myself... wanting to find some connection with others who understand what I've been through. I read some of the posts here and they resonate with me quite a bit. I have been working on myself for years but some days it still amazes me how much the hurt still hurts. I'm in a lot of pain right now because I had to have contact due to my mother's death and I've been NC for years. It brought up a lot of hurt, as did her death (she was one of the abusers.)

Anyway... I just wanted to reach out to others who understand. It's such an odd feeling at times, living in a world where you feel disconnected from everything because of what you've been through and unable to talk about it at the same time.

So I'm here to talk about it or just say hello to someone now and then.

Thank you for listening and I look forward to listening to you as well