Messages

09.21.2024
Why is this so f*ing hard?!

My sib and I set a time to reconnect to set some boundaries in place for living together moving forward.  They, once again, "couldn't" show up because something came up.  Something always comes up.  I get being busy.  I get having little people who are unpredictable and needy but where's the line between being pulled in all directions and actually following through on the things you say you'll do?!

I know it hits on some of my own pain points but that shouldn't negate anything.  At the end of the day, relationships take effort and intentionality.  And how my sib keeps showing up seems like they just don't have that.  When I broaden the scoop I can see how that would be a struggle to manage in general - I know because I've been there... I've given up control to so many other things and people in my life just so I wouldn't have to make a decision.  It's "safer" that way.

Then my inner critic sneaks in saying that I'm just being too harsh or strict.  But I have given soooo much leeway.  And it doesn't really matter if I have something else to do.  I don't have to justify anything.  You said a certain time and you got "caught up".  Again.  And then the kicker is that my sib seems fine with it like they're unbothered.  YET when we have had other conversations they bring up how uncomfortable they feel living around me.  Well maybe if you actually showed up and followed through, I wouldn't need to set such strict boundaries with my time and space. 

I honestly am so freaking confused by this!  Yeah, I'm sure my mind is trying to make sense of it - to figure out the right and the wrong but I know deep down that it's not really about that.  At the end of the day, it's not cool.  And it's certainly not helping to build any sort of relationship.  And I'm disappointed.  I don't know why this is so hard.......

I think a bigger problem is that ever since the floods I'm struggling to feel that anything is worth doing. And I suppose if there's anything I want someone else to do for me, it's TAKE CARE OF ME. I never had much of that and I guess I never will. I've been working on learning to do it for myself for YEARS. I can do it in bursts but I've never managed to sustain it. I've always tried again, started again. But now I think I'm getting to be just too tired.

Oh how much I relate to those words.  I'm so sorry.  I'm with you in the tired & the struggle.  I so wish I could take the hurt away because I know what it feels like.  I don't know how and I don't know when but I believe that it will be ok for you.  Sending you hope.

Thank you DF, your kind words and support are helpful

*****
09.20.2024
I am feeling some anger and confusion and betrayal right now.  It's the aftermath of a hard conversation.
I've been living with my sib and my nieces and nephews (on & off when they're here) for the last 6ish months.  It wasn't even planned that I would be there this long.  It's been hard and triggering and disappointing and more often than not I have wondered if I made a mistake in asking to stay.

More recently my sib asked me via text to leave due to all of the "turmoil" and miscommunication.  Yeah, I have had some feelings about that but we had a chat to discuss things more in detail and I don't regret anything that I said.  I did feel some peace but I am holding that along with the anger and confusion.  I can't begin to know what's actually going on with my sib but when I first arrived here things were good.  The only reason I asked to stay longer was because of that - it felt like a soothing balm to my soul.  But something changed.  I don't know what. 

My sib would come in the kitchen where I was doing my own thing and just start talking.  Since I've always known this visit was temporary I took every opportunity to connect.  I feel shame that I did so because I wonder if that was codependent.  It seems that it was confusing to my sib, well more so when I stopped engaging as much.  I tried and tried and tried and tried to connect - with my sib, with my nieces and nephews to continued rejection.  I got tired.  I tried talking to my sib about it - nothing changed - in fact, I was told to keep trying.  It's been really messy and has now led to them asking me to leave. 

I'm hurt.  I'm disappointed.  I'm annoyed and angry with my sib.  I told them last night that I don't appreciate being a scapegoat and getting blamed for how uncomfortable things got when it's not just my fault.  At times they seemed a little remorseful.  The conversation's not over but here's the kicker... during all of this my sib started seeing someone new (nothing wrong with that).  BUT my sib and I had a very vulnerable conversation right after they met this person where I realized that I felt sadness due to how my sib basically abandoned me when they started seeing their first spouse (now ex).  I know it was never intentional (at least I hope not) but it still sucked - we were best friends and went through some really s**ty stuff growing up.
My sib seemed to be accepting of that and extended an invitation to grab a drink the next day because we hadn't really been spending any intentional time together.  They bailed on me.  Like, I understand liking someone.  I understand getting caught up.  I understand all that but to consciously do that the day after I shared some really personal stuff???  Kinda leaves a gross taste in my mouth.  The trust was even more severed than it had been already.  Like, tell me I don't matter without telling me I don't matter, you know? 

I confronted.  My sib apologized and owned it saying that was a really crappy thing they did.  They said that they understood if I didn't want to hang out and also that it would take a while to repair.  Yet there was no repair.  It's just gotten more awkward.  I know that my sib has created their own stories around it without talking to me about it and I have basically been left alone - it's like I have a disease here.  Like my sib thought that because I was just hanging out in "my room" all day one weekend doing my own thing and never saw me (because they all left and never told me and it just so happened that I would come down when everyone was gone) that I would self-harm!!!!!!  No, I would never!  And knew that's what he wanted to know but doesn't know how to ask me directly.  And after all that to be asked to leave because it's uncomfortable with me living here and they don't trust me because I'm "unstable"?!  SINCE WHEN have I been unstable?!  This whole thing is f***ing MADDENING!

Here's another kicker... it's been about a month, maybe.  My sib has been breaking their own boundaries left and right and spending all of their time on the phone with this new person even to the point of lying to their kids and feeding their kids super late at night because they're so busy on the phone.  And again I get it, it's nice to be wanted.  My sib left last week and took time off work to travel to see this new person cuz they live in another state.  I knew they would be gone but I woke up that morning to a quiet house - no communication, no nothing.  Not even a "Hey, I took off.  Enjoy your weekend."  Oh yeah, and they got MARRIED!!!!!!  Yeah, my sib has every right to make their own decisions.  And at the end of the day, it doesn't affect me much except if I'm being kicked out.  Except if I'm being lied to.  The whole time I've been here my sib has gone through at least 5 other relationships thinking they all could be "the one".  They said they wanted me to meet them because they valued my opinion.  They even broke up with one because I walked them through some stuff and encouraged them that they didn't deserve how they were being treated.  But I guess this new one is different?

Once again, I'm left so confused because the things my sib says and the things they actually do don't seem to match up.  I'm so disappointed.  In them but also in me.  It's hard for me to not blame myself continually giving them the benefit of the doubt for the promise of connection but that connection never seems to really comes.  I guess what can you expect when we've both grown up in dysfunction?  Constantly I am left in the dark.  I wonder if that bothers me because of my hypervigilence but I do think it's common courtesy to communicate especially when living in a shared space.  I can make excuses for my sib all day: they've been living on their own without having to answer to or communicate with anyone for a couple years blah blah blah.  It's in these moments where it's really hard to see the good things they have done to connect because it just feels like it's not enough. 

I don't know... maybe I'm just afraid of what that could say about me that I basically have no relationship with my FOO.  I really had hope that my sib and I were starting to connect more recently (even before I traveled here and stayed) but that hope is pretty much gone now.  And due to all this "mess" I have no desire to know anything about their new marriage.  So it just feels like I have ruined any sort of relationship with my sib and my nieces and nephews at this point.  So I'm alone.  Again.  Starting from the beginning trying to figure life out and pick up the pieces.  Does this ever stop?  Because I feel like I'm living that unconscious cycle that keeps repeating and I can't help thinking I'm the one to blame.

09.18.2024
I'm feeling really sad and probably grieving.  And probably really confused with all the feelings I am feeling too.
I have this desire to share but then when it comes down to it it's like I go blank. I have no doubt it's due to the many times I was told by my M growing up that I shouldn't feel a certain way or that I was wrong, etc.  So then I'm just left in this emotional swirl wanting release, wanting validation or compassion or even to just be seen but I "can't".

This all feels like it's my fault even though I *know* it's not.

it totally explains how I've been feeling and why and that makes me calmer at least

I totally understand this DF!  When I first heard that I definitely felt some relief (like I had a real answer for the first time) but it's also so sad.  Still difficult for me to fully embrace the reality of it.  And I imagine it will be for a while honestly.

YAY!!!! Celebrating you and WITH you!

This morning I need to acknowledge how despite saying I planned to use my energy differently with my colleagues, I am not.  I am still fighting and trying to get them to see things they clearly don't want to see.

This is so relatable to me.  Granted it's not about my colleagues but I understand this feeling.  I know when I find myself in a place where I'm doing something I don't want to do, that feels super frustrating.  I know for me it can be so easy to get down on myself but as someone on the outside, I would bet there's a good reason why you find yourself using your energy in that way still.  Either way, that sounds difficult and I'm sorry rainy.

You are so welcome.  I can't imagine that it's a pleasant realization but I do hope it might bring some clarity or a new level of healing to you, Chart.

*****
09.13.2024
I have some feelings ... right now I'm feeling doubtful.  My sib, whom things are rather complicated and awkward with at the moment, reached out to me asking to connect at a certain time.  It's 11 minutes til that time and their usual night routine hasn't even started yet.  I want to believe that my sib will keep their word but I'm very doubtful.  The sad part is this isn't the first time & I'm afraid that if I call them out on it that somehow it'll get turned around on me, like I'm in the wrong. 

Like, I get it.  You're busy & distracted.  BUT DON'T MAKE PROMISES YOU DON'T INTEND TO KEEP!  Yes, I might be "future tripping" and having feelings about something that hasn't actually happened yet but their track record hasn't proven to be very trustworthy.  Here's to being disappointed again. (hopefully not but it's not looking good).

This is amazing!  In your corner.

& I totally relate to when you shared about the feelings of stress and overwhelm thinking of solutions ... you are not alone!

Thank you Chart, I appreciate your kind words ... it's nice to know I'm not alone.

****
09.12.2024

Not sure why journaling is so hard at times.  I have sooooooo many thoughts but to get them all out kinda feels daunting.  I was on a recovery call earlier and my share was emotional for me so I know that I'm still kinda sitting in that.  I am feeling so tired.  I'm just staring at the screen with thoughts in my brain but also nothing at the same time so I guess I'm gonna stop.  I tried...

Something just hit me from the conference I've been listening to this week.  The speaker mentioned something about a really big blocker to actual healing is putting appropriate blame on our caretakers for the pain (intentional or not) inflicted on us.  She mentioned how it's really easy for survivors to brush over their traumas because if the truth is shared then that ultimately means we were unloved. 

I related to that a lot because so often I feel like I hit some invisible wall when journaling or trying to share about my past pain.  And I wonder if the idea that my parents didn't actually love me is still too big for me to digest.

Thank you to everyone and your kind welcome.  I've been hanging out around the forum for a few weeks now and I am super grateful to have found this part of the internet.

Thanks for sharing rainy.

I've had a lot of perceptions about meditation prior to the last year or so (thanks, religious trauma).  It's something I have been slowly starting to build into my daily practice so I'm still getting comfortable with it.

I've noticed at times that I'll pop out of the present moment and my mind will be swirling with different thoughts but I have tried to be gentle with myself.  I find myself noticing/thinking that I drifted off but I can slowly enter back into the meditation and that's been helpful.  Most of the time when I "see" something it's very dream-like and vague but I just try to be with it and notice - it's so strange but I'm just going with it for now. 

I relate to you when you mention lying down being helpful when listening.  I know that I have a tendency to get pretty distracted even with minimal noise around so lying down and creating space with the least amount of distractions is ideal for me.  I haven't tried any movement practices unless you count yoga but for some reason I put those in different categories. 

Anyways, thanks again rainy for your thoughts and input!

I have a question regarding meditation.  More recently I have been learning about trauma getting trapped in our bodies and learning to connect more to the "felt sense".  I have found some meditations on YouTube that I've been listening to at least once a day for the last few weeks now.  My question is if others have noticed when they practice meditation if they have visualizations or images pop up, kinda like watching a really strange movie.  So far, nothing has been a direct or specific memory of the past it's like seeing my heart get smashed and then later seeing light coming through the broken cracks (kinda like Kintsugi), stuff like that.  I'm not necessarily wondering if that's "normal" but just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience?

And an aside: anyone have any recommendations for good meditations for connecting to the felt sense in the body?  I'm always open to listening to new ones.  TIA

Yikes!!  All of that would bother me too and I wouldn't feel safe either.  What you are feeling makes total sense to me BA.  And I'm so sorry that it sounds like your spouse wasn't too validating or supportive of your experience - I can imagine that wouldn't help diffuse the activated feelings.  I'm so glad you found that policy in the handbook about people entering private offices.  That sounds like a promising tool to use to support your ask.  No matter what, this sounds like a difficult situation and it takes a lot of courage to address it.  Supporting you and your desire to feel safe in your own workspace!

Did you all know there's a website that has recorded self-compassion practices to listen to for FREE?!  I know I briefly saw a link somewhere on this forum to a website about self-compassion & this might be the same one but my mind is blown!  Mainly because on my journey of emotional health I realized a year or so ago that my self-compassion language isn't great and went looking for meditations or something on youtube so I could grow my skill in this area.  I was kinda disappointed in what I found and just took on the task myself which has been pretty clunky at best. 

Anyway, here's the link if anyone is interested:
https://self-compassion.org/self-compassion-practices/

I haven't listened to any of them yet by the way.  I was just really excited to share because this is something I have been looking for for a while now.