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Ok final update! I did hear back from the Dean—it only took him two days to get back to me (wow). They are changing the locks on my office and restricting access; the person who entered will not have access (and has admitted entering and will be spoken to by HR). I  requested that it not be cleaned by anyone, which they will honor. If I need to make a housekeeping request I can put one in. There will still be master key access but they will do what they can to notify me of any planned access to my office unless there's a last minute emergency. I am SO pleased and reassured that I was taken seriously and that prompt action was taken and I feel like this will go a long way to making me feel safer at work. Yay us! Thank you for all the help figuring out how to advocate for myself. 

Wow, Pangur—welcome and I'm so glad you are here. Just think, by posting and not deleting it, you helped me feel less alone and you were the catalyst for all the little grains of wisdom everyone else posted—and these are helping me as well! Hearing Kizzie and Chart talk about what gives them meaning and contributes to their healing is like a balm for me. And you made that happen—-your presence here is already creating positive ripples in someone else's life. So thank you. 

Welcome Léon! I'm so glad you are here and have been moving toward your own healing. I can really identify with your struggles with shame. I hope you find support and community here!!

Thank you for the validation, blueberry and lostwanderer. And thank you so much to everyone on this board for supporting me through this. With your help, I was able to take action.

I am really pleased with myself for reaching out today to another administrator—-a Dean in the school. I was getting stressed thinking about how to advocate for myself: imagining talking to any of the three people nominally in charge of these issues was making me teary and shaky, so I then thought I should write a letter to those people, which made me feel just exhausted and overwhelmed (ugh the time to craft it and cite the regulations, not knowing if it'll be read, etc.) Plus my chair had forwarded me an email chain of my complaint last year and the supervisor of facilities had said in it "why is she only reporting this now?" Which just...ugh. It had the effect of making me want to not say anything else, even though it was written last year and this was a new event.

And then I just had a brainwave that this particular Dean has always been a really good problem solver, he's responsive, and he's the institution's Title IX coordinator as well. So I immediately called him, was able to explain the situation to him calmly and without crying. And he said "you are not the only person experiencing this, it's been a problem elsewhere" which made me feel better and also "I'm on it—give me a day or two to see what's possible and I will get back to you." I immediately felt so much better! It's super hard for me to ask for help but finding the right person to ask makes it feel a whole lot easier.

So even though I don't know what's going to happen, I can soak in the glimmer of someone at the school really caring to help and saying "I'm on it". And I'm soaking in the glimmer of you all and your incredibly helpful words. 

Thank you, Chart and DesertFlower! My supervisor forwarded me the email he sent to the relevant departments and I found a policy in the handbook that says no member of the community can enter a private office without express or implied permission of the employee or relevant University official. I will use this to ask for the locks to be changed because tbh, I'm not confident that this problem can be solved by asking people to stop.

I will keep your words about safety in mind—-the basic point is I can't do my job well if I don't feel safe.

Long story, sorry about that. I'm looking for validation and support that I'm not overreacting, I guess.

TW for space/boundary invasion I guess?

I've worked at the same university for 20 years. I have been given my own private office—a modest room filled with battered, decades-old office furniture and some of my own things (small cheap couch, microwave).  I use the space to prep classes and meet students—I'm an educator.  My name is on the door and it's in a short hallway of faculty offices in a remote corner of the school.

For years I had the icky feeling that someone was using my room when I wasn't there—brought it up with my department and was told it was probably just custodial staff cleaning it.  But it wasn't clean—I'd find trash in the bin that I hadn't put there and the microwave all gross even though I hadn't used it.  Combined with the fact that my bulletin board was often vandalized and this space just being meh, I began to feel less comfortable  spending time there, although I do still need to use it regularly to store all my materials and meet TAs and advisees. I reported the bulletin board stuff to security and for about half a year they had increased patrols in the area. Then they stopped. I would occasionally think about installing my own webcam for security but it looked like that would be illegal, so I didn't.

Last year at this same time, I was meeting a student in my office when  suddenly someone opened the locked door with a key (no warning knock) and started to enter. When they saw the room was occupied, they quickly hid behind the door (I couldn't see them), said whoops I just wanted to empty your trash and fled. In other words they weren't making their way down the hallway of offices, they came straight to mine and then left when they found me there. I reported it to my higher ups along with my observation that people seemed to be using my office through the years, was told that the appropriate departments had been notified that this was unacceptable and that it wouldn't happen again.

Yesterday, I was coming to my office from class to meet with a student (she was behind me and saw the whole thing). When I opened my locked door I found a woman lying on the (tiny) couch looking at her phone. I was dumbfounded and asked what she was doing there—-this was my office not a break room. She jumped up and apologized, said no one told her and then left. I notified my chair and another admin.

Folks, I was livid—-alternating between enraged and scared. Shaky and ruminating all day long. Driving home  I wanted to either burn the entire office down, strip it of any furniture but a table and chair, or quit my job. Clearly I'm triggered. I have had similar reactions when for example an hotel mistakenly issued duplicate keys to my room (ie they double booked it) and a mother and daughter entered the room while I was there alone. They were perfectly nice, it wasn't their fault, an innocent mistake etc etc. But afterward I was shaky and on the edge of a panic attack for about 6 hours.  And yes, I can see these are outsized reactions so the past is bleeding into the present. I have been using all my calming techniques to get through this.

But moving forward, I want to take some middle of the road action. I'm thinking of either asking that the lock be changed and that only me, my department head, and head of facilities have access (instead of it being a space accessible to anyone with a master key). Or alternatively giving the space a makeover so I feel more comfortable there—-removing all things that make it attractive as an unofficial break room (my own couch and microwave) and spending my own money to make it a sparser but nicer and more functional space.

The first option requires me to be assertive and insistent with supervisors (to ask for something totally outside of policy) and the second to spend more of my own money than I should have to. I anticipate pushback from my employer—-technically this is "my" office but I don't think I can actually control who has access. And my spouse is not all that sympathetic of my desire to redo the space ($$). There was some "I hope you can get over this soon" last night that was difficult to hear.

So, I guess I'm trying to figure out if these really are "too much to ask"—-I want to feel safe in my work space and I realize this situation is triggering my own stuff. Relying on others to help doesn't seem to be working (core belief popping up there) and I feel like I want to act (in a measured way) to stop this from happening rather than just working on my feelings.

Thoughts?

Wow, that's major!! Once I've opened a tab it's hard for me to not just fall into researching/ info gathering. Having the space to make a different decision is awesome. Good for you! 

Thanks, Dalloway, Chart, and blueberry for your comments—-I really appreciate the support!! 

May we both experience deep rest and peaceful sleep soon, lostwanderer!! My weekend was a nice reprieve but now that the week has started up again, sleep is iffy. 

I've had to work really hard not to make everyone's else's problems and feelings my own and for me anyway that comes from having an NM. In order to be safe I would take care of her feelings and issues which she loved but it left me ruminating about her constantly instead of focusing on my own life.

In the past I've even found it difficult here not to get caught up in members' issues...

I so relate to this, Kizzie! Definitely a very ingrained pattern for me and related to caretaking of my mentally ill mother when I was far too young. And it's strange how it can mess with healing spaces too—I really want to be around people who get it, AND I need to take care of myself even more. This is why I find working in groups/support groups so hard.

Welcome, AnotherPerson—-from a fellow adult child of a mentally ill mother. So much of what you said resonates. I'm sorry for what you went through. And I hope you find healing here and in the world.

I love this for you, rainydiary! I have found self-compassion helpful and what you say about the positive impact of being yourself and reflecting openly on your growth really inspires me. 

Thank you, NarcKiddo! I hadn't thought of it as two wins—even better. 

This is a very small win but I want to celebrate it because it came at the end of a really tough week. One of the major things I struggle with is my "fawn" response (btw my therapist hates this word and uses "appeasement" instead—I don't much care which word!) Perhaps many on this board can relate—if anyone anywhere near me or in my sphere of influence is upset about something or has a problem, it's extremely hard for me not to rush in, try to soothe and caretake and make whatever it is my problem as well. Then I can't rest because it's an open loop. I'm hyper vigilant of others' feelings, absorb them like a sponge and become preoccupied with their situation (my brain wants to make it into a crisis). 

This week several super triggering things happened (friend related her marital difficulties and distress about a partner who has trauma similar to mine, and there was a emotional situation at work with a person who might be let go and I was in charge of part of the decision making process). I was having a lot of trouble sleeping multiple days in  a row and would wake up in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep due to ruminating. I recognized what was happening and tried my best not to rush in and try to rescue when there really wasn't any emergency. And I asked for help (usually I think everything is on me).

Yesterday I wrote two colleagues to request their input on the difficult work situation (instead of personally  taking on all the work of "solving" the troubled person's issues).  Later in the day, I was heading home and hadn't heard from them yet and thought "maybe I'll just swing by their offices and see if they are in".  But I stopped in the middle  of the hall, realized it was late and I was hungry, that this wasn't an emergency and that I only wanted to talk to them because I wanted their reassurance and to feel better. I reiterated to myself that this wasn't an emergency and thought that if my goal is to feel better, then taking care of myself by going home and eating a meal is the best way to do it. So I turned around!! And walked to my car!! So yay me for recognizing my need and meeting it in a better way than exhausting myself trying to fix the people around me.

I slept a little better last night (still could use a solid 9 hours) so I'm hoping I'm coming out of this rumination cycle.

Thank you, Desert Flower and Chart...your kind words mean so much to me, I really appreciate them!! I am so glad to be surrounded by people who understand in this space. It can be hard in everyday life when others struggle to "get it".