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82/105 and my mother has been dead for 15 years. It doesn't help that the most recent trauma was bullying by someone who was much, much worse as far as narcissism goes and who was assisted and protected by his mother in the harassment. The saving grace is my siblings, whom I have always been close to.

I've just started talking about my mother in therapy in the last couple of months and realising how far back some of the problems go. Obviously there's a lot of work to do.

Hi. I've come to this group after joining a couple of other online support groups and finding they're not quite right for the sort of problems I'm having, which I guess is the nature of cptsd - it's complex

I'm not going to go into the full story here, but it includes being brought up by an emotionally abusive mother (narcissistic), several sexual assaults as a young adult, marriage breakdown due to infidelity, several episodes of depression and a suicide attempt, adult bullying in the setting of a rather cult-like hobby group, and an extremely unpleasant and prolonged process of antidepressant withdrawal (after being on them for 12 years) which has left me with what I guess is emotional dysregulation. It certainly feels like all the defences and coping strategies I'd built up over my whole life have crumbled since I came off the antidepressants, leaving me worse off than before I went on them. I am currently in therapy with the same therapist I saw for about 4 years after my suicide attempt, and there have been a lot of ups and downs with this, multiple crises, and I'm only now starting to see that this might be a reflection of childhood attachment problems. We've not actually discussed cptsd as a formal diagnosis, but from what I've read it seems to best fit what's going on for me.

I've only really started exploring the childhood stuff in therapy in the last few months and seeing how it set me up for further abusive relationships, and I'm finding it pretty hard going. I initially joined an online support group when I started having difficulties with antidepressant withdrawal and it was really helpful, but now that most of the symptoms caused by withdrawal have settled except for the emotional hyper-reactivity, I don't really have the same sort of problems that are discussed in that forum. More recently I joined a support group for adult children of narcissists, which was also very helpful in terms of understanding some of the reasons why I have my current set of difficulties but a lot of their discussion centres around ongoing problems of managing relationships with a narcissistic parent (which is not an issue for me as my mother is now dead) and not so much on dealing with the aftermath. The other support group which I joined only recently is one for sexual assault survivors, which has also been extremely helpful, but my sexual assaults were a long time ago and only a tiny aspect of my traumas, so I often feel a bit awkward and thread-hijacking in talking about my current difficulties. I'm hoping that this might be a better place to talk things over, with people who have a wider range of traumas.