Hello everyone. I'm not sure if there will be any triggers here. I try to keep it superficial, but I get pretty triggered myself when I think about how I got to where I am now. I'm here because I'm finding myself in a mental health crisis yet again. I've been in and out of therapy for about 40 years now (started in my teens and I'm in my mid 50s now). I find that although therapy has been helpful at at times, repeatedly reviewing all the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) tips and tricks is less and less useful with repetition.
I grew up the only child of a mentally ill mother who had us moving 2 to 3 times a year for most of my years between birth and age 18. The first year I spent the whole school year in one school was 4th grade, and the next was 7th grade. I was also kind of a weird kid, so the bullying was off the charts and any time I started to make a friend, we were moving again. Add to that, my mother made very poor choices in friends and boyfriends, a couple of whom were sexually abusive with me, and I was attacked by a stranger when I was 11. I went to therapy and attended support groups for all this in my teens, returning to therapy periodically in my 20s, but the damage was done.
At 18, I married a wonderful guy (also 18) who had been through as much or more than me. We had a lot of good years together (and some very bad, actually) but it ended very tragically when we were 29. That experience has shaped everything since. More than 25 years (and three major relationships) later I'm still not able to really move past it.
I often feel completely broken, hopeless and useless, and I'm also so tired of always having to be ready for the next attack. CBT is not working for me right now, and neither are antidepressants. I'm just starting trying EMDR, and I'm also going to explore options for treatment resistant depression, perhaps TMS, ketamine, or even ECT. I'd be very interested to hear anything from people who have tried any of these if that's appropriate here.
Anyway, that's me a nutshell. I'm hoping to work my way out of my current state and I'm hoping to find a community of people in similar circumstances. Thank you for your time.
I grew up the only child of a mentally ill mother who had us moving 2 to 3 times a year for most of my years between birth and age 18. The first year I spent the whole school year in one school was 4th grade, and the next was 7th grade. I was also kind of a weird kid, so the bullying was off the charts and any time I started to make a friend, we were moving again. Add to that, my mother made very poor choices in friends and boyfriends, a couple of whom were sexually abusive with me, and I was attacked by a stranger when I was 11. I went to therapy and attended support groups for all this in my teens, returning to therapy periodically in my 20s, but the damage was done.
At 18, I married a wonderful guy (also 18) who had been through as much or more than me. We had a lot of good years together (and some very bad, actually) but it ended very tragically when we were 29. That experience has shaped everything since. More than 25 years (and three major relationships) later I'm still not able to really move past it.
I often feel completely broken, hopeless and useless, and I'm also so tired of always having to be ready for the next attack. CBT is not working for me right now, and neither are antidepressants. I'm just starting trying EMDR, and I'm also going to explore options for treatment resistant depression, perhaps TMS, ketamine, or even ECT. I'd be very interested to hear anything from people who have tried any of these if that's appropriate here.
Anyway, that's me a nutshell. I'm hoping to work my way out of my current state and I'm hoping to find a community of people in similar circumstances. Thank you for your time.