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So I'd appreciate any opinions people might offer on this situation, and I do  apologize for the length of this post.
I have a young therapist , maybe 33, who told me when we started that she'd be with me for "As long as to takes." I thought that was an unwise comment that a youngster would make but , as PapaCoco noted on the site, the intent of such a comment is worth something.  Over time she seemed to alternate between comments suggesting there is time and comments suggesting our time is closing. I knew the university health system had a cap on visits but she had seemed to find a way around that. We blew past the limit a long time ago. But now suddenly a limit has been reached and very shortly the sessions will end. Our most recent meeting ended with me walking out. I was really angry at being told I could not continue with her after our next couple of sessions.  The thing is, she has been extremely effective in helping me gain a grip on this illness. She has been spot on about a number of problems plaguing me and their origin, and understanding the origin has been a life saver. FINALLY, I have an explanation for my crippling  anxiety and depression. Her analysis makes perfect sense. She's correct and I am grateful for the diagnostic clarity. Really really grateful . But I am seriously upset  about the lack of clarity on timing. Now what do I do? We unpacked all this mental rubbish and now I'm left holding the bag, not having finished the work? I am really ticked off about this. I'm trying to find my way to a perspective that allows me to finish these last couple of sessions and not hold her inept closing of our relationship against her. I like the kid. She's smart and compassionate. But she does need to improve her communication skills. So, OK, she's human and gaining experience with her job but - insert swear words here!

Thank you for your reply Phoebes. Yes, High Anglican  or RC, pretty similar. And it sounds like our experience with paternal "parentification" is similar too. Like your  "sweet" Dad, mine was "beloved." That word figures in an online tribute to my Dad from his employer. What I don't understand is how they, yours and mine, could be so utterly blind to the extensive damage caused their children. Surely it was obvious that one doesn't force children to live in such a wildly stressful, unhealthy environment. But apparently not. Somehow the obvious just didn't sink in. I gather your parents are still alive - I don't know how you would manage that, still dealing with abusive
behavior in the present. I find it hard enough to deal with the past. But at least we both know now, because of OOTS, that we are not alone - and that means a lot! Take care Phoebes, and I hope you can find a way to come to terms with your "sweet" parent.

Yes, I also understand this feeling of having been cheated. But there are two things I think about when this feeling overcomes me. 1) why should I be exempt from the damage of life when most humans are not? I'm not special in that way. Damaged human life is rampant in this world. I wasn't singled out for this. Actually, what I think of as "normal" (which I have never had and which exists just in my mind I suspect) is probably an experience of a minority of people on earth. Maybe ?? 2) I think about a movie made by Paul Newman (which I DO NOT recommend unless you want to be emotionally gutted) called "The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man in the Moon Marigolds." That movie (play originally by Paul Zindel) deals with a dysfunctional household and how one child thrives despite the insanity of her mother, but the other child is pretty much destroyed. It made me realize that I do have qualities that are valuable precisely because I went through Hades as a child. Not sure if this makes sense
but these are things I ponder sometimes.

I have similar difficulties when seeing mothers and daughters enjoying each other's company.
It is really painful for me. Watching women at , say the mall, maybe three generations of women shopping. talking , enjoying their outing - I do grieve for what I  never had. I think you are right that "grief" is the correct word.

Hi Azul - In my experience, it is SOP for us to not be able to face or define the problem of abuse. But I, at least, with the help of a very good and dedicated therapist, have come to realize how badly damaged I was by my childhood and I am starting to piece together the how and why of it. Having an explanation, for me, of why I have always struggled is absolutely worth gold. It is such a relief to understand the past and see how it affects the present. I hope you can find
an approach to your experience that makes sense of it and allows you to move forward. It is possible to heal. Relief from suffering is possible. And I wish that for you, for me,  and for all of us here at OOTS. 

 Now that I am able to define it, my childhood experience explains why I always feel like I am bad or wrong. At least I think I understand one source of these feelings. Whenever my alcoholic mother would show signs of an imminent  blow up, I tried to "talk her down," and I always failed, because of course she wanted to fly into an irrational rage. Humiliation when she flew off into irrational rants in public and my inability to forestall such scenes told me I wasn't good enough. Not good enough for her to care  about me  not smart enough to be able to circumvent her attacks - just not good enough. And then the shame of being inadequate. This damaging interaction was exacerbated, or maybe even set up, by my father's contention that I needed to be "understanding" and patient with her. I needed to ignore my own psyche and focus on her.

And that "positive reinforcement" from my father was in turn exacerbated by our Catholicism. We should be crucified on the altar of her illness rather than look out  for ourselves. Sacrificing our own sanity in order to "help" her. But we just helped her to ignore her illness and damage herself and all of us in the household. The kinds of mental problems that the children developed eventually killed my brother at age 46, and left my other brother and me with lifelong mental problems.

My surviving brother and I have managed to get by, but we both spend a good deal of effort avoiding people. Neither of us will ever  again  be imprisoned by the  demands of other people. Never again. So we live our lives alone, with relationships that are often superficial. I wonder and hope that the realizations I have had in therapy will eventually make this dark self hatred go away. I couldn't save her, she died of alcoholism when I was 16. I watched her do it and was incapable of stopping her. Before her death my father had consulted a doctor who told us that she would be dead in a year if we did not involuntarily commit her to a mental institution. I was 15 when my father asked me what "we" should do. I see now that that question was so far out of bounds as to be truly nutty - you don't ask a 15 year old kid to make a decision about the life or death of a parent. The  "we" part of  that was just truly bonkers.

When my father told me the medical people would strap her to a table and run hundreds of volts of electricity through her body I was appalled and said "Don't do it." And a year later, as the doc had predicted, she was dead.

Excellent excellent excellent! Thank you  for posting that very encouraging story here!

Hello Aphotic - Yes, I had the experience of not being taught but being expected to know stuff. One memory I have is of school work in third grade. We had weekly spelling tests and I didn't know that I was allowed to study for these spelling tests.  I thought I was just expected to know how to spell the words on the test without any teaching or instruction. How my parents and teacher could have missed something as basic as that floors me now. I remember feeling ashamed that I couldn't do the tests. It was only when a relative got me a tutor that it dawned on me I could prepare for these tests. Once I understood the system (and I remember being super mad that no one had told me what to do) that particular school problem vanished. But similar experiences happened throughout my childhood. That sort of thing happened pretty routinely.Basic things that any normal child would know and have been taught, I just had no clue. I think it makes sense that a child in such an environment would A) be quiet and not ask what's up - I didn't want to call attention to myself  lest I become a target, and B) I was always trying to anticipate when my mother would fly into a drunken rage. Trying to mind read and anticipate while being very quiet - I think those were major obstacles to learning, along with my parents being focused on their own codependent relationship and ignoring the children. Or so it seems to me now.

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post . I couldn't figure out where to put this question. Recently, somewhere, maybe here on OOTS, I read that there is a Stanford University researcher who concluded that EMDR is effective because it extinguishes the fear response. I have no clue what that means. But wherever I read this the researcher claimed that the eye movement part of EMDR is critical to success of  the treatment. I guess there has been criticism of the technique claiming that it is simply a placebo effect. But this Stanford guy has concluded No, the effect on the brain is physical and very real. Does anyone know who this fellow is or where his research is stashed? Many thanks for any help with this.

Yes Allie, I also know the feeling of dread and danger. If I were younger I would work to find a solution to correct the situation but I am too old and too tired and I need to work on myself with a trauma therapist.  Whatever time I have left on earth I do not want it taken up with stress and hate. So, having dual EU and US citizenship I am looking at leaving. Actually Italy sounds good to me, despite what has been happening there in recent years.
And I try to remember that "all things must pass" is not just a platitude. It's a fact. But I think I want to wait out the passing of this saga in Italy.

I sympathize with the sleep problem. For me, the essential problem was that I would be plagued by memories I couldn't shut down and which were not pleasant. Flashbacks. Hard to sleep with that going on. MY endocrinologist, a young woman of about 30, suggested I try CBD + CBN + a bit of THC. I expected no help from that but to my great surprise - it worked. I use it nightly now. My therapist was startled also to hear that I found it effective. And the endo put that "prescription" in my medical record. Boy, have times changed! It's legal here in California. Just my experience GoSlash.

Hi Kevin - In short Yes, for most of my life, but I also have learned (slowly, I learn slowly!) that it is usually , for me,  groundless. But wading through the fear to get the other side where it's clear I have nothing to be afraid of,  can be an ordeal. But this has improved, for me, with therapy and understanding that my thinking can be distorted at times. Recognizing my distorted thinking and looking at alternative viewpoints has been very helpful for me. Wishing you the best in your new venture.

Chart, thanks for this. Yes, it does help. It explains, for example, why I do feel less frightened and anxiety prone now that my therapist has helped me sift through some gnarly memories. I really was kind of puzzled as to how I could feel an improvement in my life (not by any means a solution, but progress for sure) simply by talking to someone about it. Of course, the "someone" is trained in this stuff and was able to explain the dynamics. It really surprises me that things have gotten somewhat better with explanations like "positive reinforcement" or "parentification." Having a framework for understanding past trauma is really quite helpful. So yes, I can see your point. Thanks for the clarifying reply. I'll search out more on the net.

This may sound kind of "empty," but it is what happened in my case. I'm now 68, but when I was young I had nothing inside me - no feeling, no hope, just emptiness. And then I acquired a business. That business work filled me with anxiety, pride, fear, hope - it stirred up a lot of emotions I had thought were dead. I guess I put myself in a risky position - trying to make a business work out -  and that somehow opened up an emotional response. Now , I have emotions, but they are often very uncomfortable and often they confuse me. But that's what a therapist is for I guess. I do know what you mean about the emptiness, and I bet you are  not alone in that experience. Not at all.

I hope this is an OK place to post this question. I have read about memories and traumas being
"processed," but I don't know what that means, and I wonder if it is something real or is it a metaphor? I'd like to see some reliable research on this. Is the concept related to the way trauma literally seems to shape areas of the brain? If so, are there reliable evidence based studies that can literally show before and after differences in how the brain processes traumatic memories ? Not sure I grasp this idea of "processing." Can someone point me toward research that explains it?