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Excellent excellent excellent! Thank you  for posting that very encouraging story here!

Hello Aphotic - Yes, I had the experience of not being taught but being expected to know stuff. One memory I have is of school work in third grade. We had weekly spelling tests and I didn't know that I was allowed to study for these spelling tests.  I thought I was just expected to know how to spell the words on the test without any teaching or instruction. How my parents and teacher could have missed something as basic as that floors me now. I remember feeling ashamed that I couldn't do the tests. It was only when a relative got me a tutor that it dawned on me I could prepare for these tests. Once I understood the system (and I remember being super mad that no one had told me what to do) that particular school problem vanished. But similar experiences happened throughout my childhood. That sort of thing happened pretty routinely.Basic things that any normal child would know and have been taught, I just had no clue. I think it makes sense that a child in such an environment would A) be quiet and not ask what's up - I didn't want to call attention to myself  lest I become a target, and B) I was always trying to anticipate when my mother would fly into a drunken rage. Trying to mind read and anticipate while being very quiet - I think those were major obstacles to learning, along with my parents being focused on their own codependent relationship and ignoring the children. Or so it seems to me now.

Sorry if this is the wrong place to post . I couldn't figure out where to put this question. Recently, somewhere, maybe here on OOTS, I read that there is a Stanford University researcher who concluded that EMDR is effective because it extinguishes the fear response. I have no clue what that means. But wherever I read this the researcher claimed that the eye movement part of EMDR is critical to success of  the treatment. I guess there has been criticism of the technique claiming that it is simply a placebo effect. But this Stanford guy has concluded No, the effect on the brain is physical and very real. Does anyone know who this fellow is or where his research is stashed? Many thanks for any help with this.

Yes Allie, I also know the feeling of dread and danger. If I were younger I would work to find a solution to correct the situation but I am too old and too tired and I need to work on myself with a trauma therapist.  Whatever time I have left on earth I do not want it taken up with stress and hate. So, having dual EU and US citizenship I am looking at leaving. Actually Italy sounds good to me, despite what has been happening there in recent years.
And I try to remember that "all things must pass" is not just a platitude. It's a fact. But I think I want to wait out the passing of this saga in Italy.

I sympathize with the sleep problem. For me, the essential problem was that I would be plagued by memories I couldn't shut down and which were not pleasant. Flashbacks. Hard to sleep with that going on. MY endocrinologist, a young woman of about 30, suggested I try CBD + CBN + a bit of THC. I expected no help from that but to my great surprise - it worked. I use it nightly now. My therapist was startled also to hear that I found it effective. And the endo put that "prescription" in my medical record. Boy, have times changed! It's legal here in California. Just my experience GoSlash.

Hi Kevin - In short Yes, for most of my life, but I also have learned (slowly, I learn slowly!) that it is usually , for me,  groundless. But wading through the fear to get the other side where it's clear I have nothing to be afraid of,  can be an ordeal. But this has improved, for me, with therapy and understanding that my thinking can be distorted at times. Recognizing my distorted thinking and looking at alternative viewpoints has been very helpful for me. Wishing you the best in your new venture.

Chart, thanks for this. Yes, it does help. It explains, for example, why I do feel less frightened and anxiety prone now that my therapist has helped me sift through some gnarly memories. I really was kind of puzzled as to how I could feel an improvement in my life (not by any means a solution, but progress for sure) simply by talking to someone about it. Of course, the "someone" is trained in this stuff and was able to explain the dynamics. It really surprises me that things have gotten somewhat better with explanations like "positive reinforcement" or "parentification." Having a framework for understanding past trauma is really quite helpful. So yes, I can see your point. Thanks for the clarifying reply. I'll search out more on the net.

This may sound kind of "empty," but it is what happened in my case. I'm now 68, but when I was young I had nothing inside me - no feeling, no hope, just emptiness. And then I acquired a business. That business work filled me with anxiety, pride, fear, hope - it stirred up a lot of emotions I had thought were dead. I guess I put myself in a risky position - trying to make a business work out -  and that somehow opened up an emotional response. Now , I have emotions, but they are often very uncomfortable and often they confuse me. But that's what a therapist is for I guess. I do know what you mean about the emptiness, and I bet you are  not alone in that experience. Not at all.

I hope this is an OK place to post this question. I have read about memories and traumas being
"processed," but I don't know what that means, and I wonder if it is something real or is it a metaphor? I'd like to see some reliable research on this. Is the concept related to the way trauma literally seems to shape areas of the brain? If so, are there reliable evidence based studies that can literally show before and after differences in how the brain processes traumatic memories ? Not sure I grasp this idea of "processing." Can someone point me toward research that explains it?

Thank you Chart and Dalloway. Your replies are encouraging and helpful. I guess I need to learn to accept the caring that others offer, such as your therapists offered you both. There ARE competent and caring professionals out there as you and I have seen.  But it is very strong, this recoil I feel when someone is caring or kind. But learning how to defuse that is one of the points of therapy I guess. So I'll deal with it and hope to overcome it - it's what I do, I deal. Thank you again for your encouraging stories. I'll keep them in mind as I proceed down this rather scary road.

Thank you Armee and Kizzie. OK, so I'm not unusual in this way. I didn't think so but I've never had such a very useful and productive relationship with therapy before so I wasn't sure about my reaction to all this. Yes, she does believe that the relationship is central to healing. And I do feel less panic about my dependence on this woman because I can see how  healing would lessen that dependence. So thank you for the replies. They are helpful.

I'd appreciate any input about this post that people can give. I've been to a couple of therapists over the years, but that was before such a thing as C-PTSD was known. Both were treating me for anxiety and depression.They were of some limited help, but didn't get to the basis of my problems. Two years ago my doctor became concerned with my suicidal ideation and urged me to get a therapist at her HMO. In fact, she called a therapist immediately and asked the woman, N, to come to her office and speak with me. N came immediately, and was so clearly concerned and caring that I was startled. Shocked actually. Someone cares? Wow. That's a surprise. So I did begin with N, cautiously, even though she is 34 years younger than I am. It took months for me to decide to trust her, and her "modality," but she proved herself repeatedly with very helpful insights that have made  sense of my tumultuous life history.  Now she wants me to see someone specifically trained in trauma because she is a "generalist."   She says I have experienced repeated traumas in my life and of course there are consequences to that. Again, Wow. Someone paying attention and actually listening to and thinking about my situation? Wow. She says we can continue as long as her organization will allow, but in addition she wants me to see someone specifically trained in trauma. I will do that I think.   But here is the thing: I now depend on this woman in a way that scares me. She has said that she cares about me, that she is passionate about her work and clients, and I have seen that is true. So I want to continue - but I'm also scared about how much I need her to be there. Sometimes I consider fleeing, canceling the whole thing, but whatever my flaws I'm not stupid. I know this woman has provided me with the best mental health care I have ever encountered. So I probably won't flee. But my affection for and dependence on this therapist  is unnerving. I don't want to talk to her about this though. I find it embarrassing to be so emotionally dependent on another person. Have other people encountered this situation, and if so, how did it unfold?

Thanks for any feedback folks can give.

Thank you for the input Kizzie. Yes, I can make it a habit to focus on the fact I am no longer a captive child. I will bring this up with the therapist. Changing habitual thought patterns is not usually simple, but it certainly can be done and I will figure out how to do that in my life.

Thank you, Blueberry. It does help to know I'm not alone in this. I think I just figured out what has puzzled me for years, the difficulty I have getting stuff done. The anxiety that hits me like an avalanche when I want to get something done (the word "want" is important here) suddenly makes perfect sense to me. Anytime I wanted to achieve something as a child, my alcoholic mother would set her sights on destroying it. She was emotionally vicious, tearing up my homework for example or barging into my bedroom at 2 AM to harangue me about God knows what, deliberately breaking any item I owned that I cared for. It was useless to have wants or desires or want to accomplish anything at all because if she knew I wanted something she would deliberately set out to destroy it. So I learned not to have wants and learned not to have goals. What was the point? They'd just get destroyed. Also, when I did find  a way to escape into a book - whenever I figured the coast was clear, that I might have an hour of peace to escape into a favorite author, to forget for a while how awful reality was - then I would grab that time desperately. And I still do that. Amazing. Decades later I am still frantically carving out time for peace and avoiding anything that looks like ambition, because actually achieving something in the real world is an impossibility. Maybe the grounding exercises would be helpful with this problem. Maybe I could overcome the panic that hits me when I have a goal by using the grounding exercises. Specific, narrow situations like gathering tax documents or fixing a broken window. Very narrow situations. Yeah. The exercises might be helpful for small clearly defined tasks.

Thanks for the support folks. It's a blessing to have people who have been there and understand.

Thank you Armee and NarcKiddo. You have both given me useful things to ponder. And I will take this up with the therapist.