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identity dysphoria:
-weight gain
-oversharing
-long windedness
-saying dumb things without thinking
-poor foresight of the consequences of their actions, makes a problem worse for themselves
-tries to dress a certain way but looks like a poser
-cowardice
-plump, red cheeks
-selfishness
-being aggressive but in a * ugly weak counter-productive way

am i just over-reacting/ being paranoid or is this valid?
-homeless people asking me to buy them food (they think im fat)
-supported living giving me loads of food (they think im fat)
-youtube commenter pointing on my insecurities, another one telling me to get a boyfriend and did not believe me at all when I told them I'm an asexual transgender male with autism (I was so upset)
-letter in the mail "Margaret Mancini" metro concessionary card (how the * does anonymous entity know my address?)
-womens hand cream sent via post during christmas (utterly devastated)
-compliments about female beauty and vitality and articulateness etc more than any other kind of compliment
-finding litter in my garden such as dead birds (woman that commits suicide), tattered dresses (femme fatale), and food I happen to hate such as cheese and onion crisps or aldi bread (again, FAT)
-music recommendations that werent my tastes eg Girls aloud

AND NOW THINGIE CALLED ME, IN ORDER TO BUY A NEW HOUSE I HAVE TO HAVE 3 MONTHS IN ADVANCE (MY EVICTION NOTICE IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH) IVE GOT POOR PLANNING SKILLS WHICH IM SO INSECURE ABOUT
like literally anything that is typical of myself at all I really do not like
I AM A REALLY REALLY REALLY IMPULSIVE EXTRAVERTED SENSATION DOMINANT

I doubt  therapy will cure this.

the more time progresses the less people will conceive of reality, except myself
the more time progresses the more it would be deemed dramatic of me to complain and make a fuss about anything at all
the more time progresses the more it will be evident to literally all entitities I want to be loved, more than anythign else

Im so electra heart in denial
I DONT WANT TO BE ELECTRA HEART
like imagine the most nerd/gamer/stoner/skater/slacker/intellectual/"chaotic academia" looking person ever but they act and behave like Electra Heart all the time, it just feels off, it would just be weird, it doesnt align
but it is also NPC of me to find that weird in the first place

I am reluctant to "unwind" with herbal tea and scented candles because it feels so girly. And also S word because it involves the senses. It's also S word to complain about cycling sweating your B B's off (I only just realised my 9-year-old self's "BB" chanting had connotations to "big boobies" which they do not want, they gotten chubby and really insecure aboot it) in torrential rain for the same reason.

Unable to leave the house without crippling doubt, dread about my self-worth, feeling poignantly inferior to people dissociating people not caring people talking about deep stuff people dressing weird people saying weird things etc, I should have been well familiar by now that all therapists will respond with is the same old "You're being too hard on yourself" "They aren't as intelligent as you" (complete * lie) "You haven't had the best start in life" talking down to me with a baby voice, the even more triggering and also pointless ineffective "It's so bRaVe AnD cOuRaGeOuS oF yOu" or smth along those lines.

I have a feeling that Max is a reflection, an incarnation pretty much, of everything I want to be like, but all of his aesthetic tastes and choices are an imitation of myself (hence the "hes the emo one and Im the non-emo one").

There are people that make observations and there are people that make enquiries. the latter is more indicative of a naive child.

feed me giant chocolate cake at happy birthday "We want you happy and healthy!"

[doon the loo]

He was delighted in the quanta of a stonedest 5 hours
But black void knows he's pissed by now !!!
You've been cosplaying Snufkin too much, she said
And he naturally screamed
In his life
Why do I give valuable thought?
To people that don't really care
IF IM THE OPPOSITE OF REBECA PARKS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

Now I realise how * stupid typology brain surgery thing is. Because by having that done to my brain, or even wanting to in any shape or form, I am still engaging in the act of giving a *, which is not charactaristic of "ideal self" at all.
Not giving a * is deemed attractive because it is connected to how a person perceives reality. Typing with abbreviations and leetspeak rather than professionally is triggering.
It may be tied into being ashamed to be a human being. Or as a reaction to how * cringe therapy is.
the emo people are annoyed at how immoral mankind is and the nerd people are annoyed at how stupid mankind is. But then if you're ideal self enough to realise how fake reality is, such categories and rules would be utterly meaningless.

I don't know what I really want. Because of all of theses traits I would be intensely ashamed of and disgusted by (because not "ideal self" enough) I later envy in others.
But I don't want to be too AI-generated.
I hate being an overpacker. Seeing strangers in public looking more minimalistic is so triggering.
The more distressed I am in general the more I become fixated on being "ideal self". What causes such distress in the first place? This * "essence". Yes of course this essence is "vague". But autism, gender dysphoria, eating disorder and childhood trauma play a significant factor.
With the state of the world and the complexity of my issue, I doubt I will heal, at all. I am losing more and more hope.

Memories of "in proportion" "healthy-looking" cOmPlImEnTs BMI 23 late 2019.
If I'm just an extraverted sensor, with a preference for feeling over thinking, core motivation is to be loved although different from a textbook definition of a two, in an intuition grip, I'd * kill myself. It has got * nothing to do with the fact you use reddit the fact you smoke weed the fact you like wikipedia rabbit holes etc. The price that comes with this pain is feeling extremely uncomfortable, extremely awkward following being reassured.
My actual nature, which is too distressing for my sense of self-worth, could be why I dislike myself so much.
Strangers walking out of my way, instead of just walking past me, is triggering.

The definition is far too hard to describe, the idea you have of it is so multi-faceted and constantly evolving, it always manifests in such unexpected ways.

The more engaged in reality the more controlled by emotion someone is the shittier everything is about them and the more AI-generated they appear. Well to my tastes anyway.

But then somehow listening to certain songs, certain stuff in general not necessarily music on its own obv, it evokes "the other side". The stuff you get so annoyed or upset if it's targeted at yourself yet somehow looks so * pretty if someone else is like that.

I'm confused. Do people under a certain age are they genuinely convinced reality is fake or do they just pretend to Be the Matrix but with the neckbeard factor looksmaxxed doon the loo because it's fashionable? Is everyone I know convinced realtiy is an illuson but Im a minority of naive realists which is why i feel so * pathetic

The more "ideal self" someone else is the more they bully me. That is distressing in itself. What makes me so anti-self is manifesting it through clothing and music, not via behaviour and words and actions and thoughts.

The fact I wear the clothes I like to wear without restraint. The fact I have an eviction notice and it's all my fault. The fact I overshare to all kinds of forums out of distress. It's all my fault. I can't regulate myself. I feel utterly pathetic because of it.

I still don't know who I am but I do know that being too overly emotional, dramatic, theatrical, impulsive, sensory, cowardly, clingy, severely autistic, illogical, outdated, childish, expressive, impulsive, greedy, big tits, female, curvy, long-winded, closed-minded, simlike and sluglike, "younger self", etc (especially all at the same time, the more of these traits the more intensely the worser I feel) causes myself distress.
extravert and sensor and feeler all at same time is a very distressing jungian result

I still leave the house anyway because being stuck indoors all day is far too boring.
I still open up because I feel so unheard and so misunderstood.

1.feeling unheard and misunderstood
2.being bored by being stuck indoors all the day
(1 idk, kind of gender dysphoric)
(2 is actually a good thing, it doesn't mean youre that sluglike)
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3nufk1n.sheepies
autistic apoxian eastern european toker
17 minutes agoNew #2
* YOU COPILOT

"cOuRaGeOuS" is just euphemism for "acts without thinking"
"acts without thinking" is a trait I do not want to have
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3nufk1n.sheepies
autistic apoxian eastern european toker
A moment agoNew #3
like literally the word "strong" makes me cringe
its so * cringe, gross, ugly

Everyone reacts to trauma in different ways, but the way I react to trauma is so just misaligned with how i iwsh i werw

More people than I think are in as much pain as I am for different reasons, I'm just over-reacting.

Me oversharing, trauma dumping to these forums counts as extraverted sensation feeling heart triad behaviour.

my sense of self means so much to me, for it to be tampered with whatever unpleasant labels "simlike" "sluglike" etc is awful

I want someone that actually understands me, and is available more frequently (unlike my aunt which is often at work). ChatGPT and copilot isn't very effective, same old ineffective "You are not alone" "Let me know how I can support you" "Don't let that define you".

I get unpleasant thoughts daily such as "What if I'm a mistyped enneagram two in denial because my biggest concern is what others think of me? I would rather die than be a 2". All of the time I have flashbacks from the past, such as:
- certain staff from the children's home labelling my behaviour as "histrionics", which is not just invalidating but highly offensive as a transgender male, especially as a transgender male that makes being emotionless as possible part of his identity.
- my brother ridiculing me for wanting to be happy, for being subject to pleasure and pain, for being subject to the concept of comfort.
- the way people treat me on the internet, I could write essays upon essays about it, ranging from typing me as a typology that is highly distressing on PDB, to comments on youtube such as "If you don't like the way someone is dressed, do you lash out at them?".

I do NOT want to be dramatic, impulsive, irrational, hysterical, oversharer, Karen, BPD, in any shape or form whatsoever. Being labelled as such by others, in any shape or form ("are you that girl that cries really loud?" "thank you for being so open and honest" etc), is highly distressing.

tall lanky skinny
pale skin
fluffy curly hair
video games
weed
philosophy
info dumping
acne
autism/ADHD
chill monotone voice
PURE PERFECTION
IT JUST ELICITS ANOTHER KIND OF ENVY, A TIER OF ENVY I CAN BARELY DESCRIBE
NOT BEING LIKE THAT ENOUGH CAUSES SO MUCH DISTRESS

Now I'm too afraid to leave the house at certain times because almost everyone in my town knows me, they know me as "girl that screams hysterically" and it is SO triggering

being jealous of gamers, stoners, mathematicians, doomers, etc in particular more than I don't know other kinds of people like Idk chavs, bodybuilders, kawaii anime cute girls, emo goth people, or boring generic old people or something and basing my entire identity off of it. It's also manifest in all my tastes. My music taste, my fashion choices, the way I like to speak and write and use vocabulary, it all revolves around it.

I like leaving the house so much, I like travelling to a broad variety of places, my life gets so boring quickly if I don't do that, but at the same time it is so painful comparing myself to so many people, feeling inferior to others constantly.

I have immense dysmorphia over my own personality. Personality tests, especially MBTI, are a source of significant distress.

"Thank you for being so open and honest! That takes a lot of courage" I find extremely triggering to be told, because my self-worth depends on personality traits such as modesty and self-concealment and some degree of having foresight for the consequences of my actions. Clinginess and a marked need for intimacy, resulting in an undue amount of self-disclosure in spite of psychological distress, is also at odds with what constitutes my "ideal self".
If I am convinced I am a certain typology that is too far away from my ideal self, I am completely unable to feel happy at all.

I feel like inventing an identity, it's like a gender identity except gender is less relevant. Type identity disorder, also known as type dysphoria or trans-typism, occurs when an individual experiences deep distress upon their own cognition (manifest in their behaviour, personality, mannerisms, habits, "vibes", etc) and is jealous of those with different typologies, completely unable to accept their own. The solution to this in an ideal world would be type reassignment surgery, which is unfortunately a pipe dream. The more realistic solutions to type dysphoria include:
- avoiding typology content
- medication
- conscious efforts to alter one's personality gradually over time
- social isolation, or at least stopping contact completely with certain people or certain kinds of people

abandonment issues + asexuality = drawn to emotionally unavailable people but instead of dating such folk makes it part of their identity
autism + AFAB = became transgender at puberty because distressed by curves, above statement is also a major contributing factor

after a tiny can of red bull from the Co op Snufkings gonna ride his bike listening to June of 44 and Unwound before atttending to a joint, gotta spend the remaining kcal on munchies wisely DONT BE A SNIFF !!!

im constantly very insecure, pretty much always on the verge of a crying fit because of intense self loathing
"no foresight for the future" "poor logical reasoning skills" "rarely dissociates, if anything not at all" "endless social battery" = i feel pathetic

the internet calms me down but it also makes me very insecure

I dont like being an AFAB with blonde hair that likes russia and has emotional dysregulation issues, I look way more like "slav doll" archetype or something than the kind of perosn i want to be

I don't get it when people try to demotivate me from wanting to live in or be in a certain area because it's too "rough". Not saying that I'm * on the otherwise more posher places (both are okay in their own ways), but I love rough areas, I like the distinctive sort of vibes it always gives off.

I don't feel like a valid transgender male enough.

the trauma dumping, the obsession with MBTI / enneagram, the identifying as Snufkin, etc
it makes me feel less of a man

I feel inferior to others a lot. Other people seem to be capable of posting things to youtube (not just youtube on its own but like doing the kind of things i wish i could do because it feels identify-affirming, gender identity less relevant) way better than I ever could.
like this video I feel pathetic for failing to come up with it myself:: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B09LOEkhD9U&t=275s

the sad reality is that the more you try to be Snufkin, the more you try to act russian, the more you romanticise hikkikomori slacker neet gamer stoner whatever the * this even is, the more you are OBJECTIVELY the opposite, causing so much misery and pain and distress

forcing myself to spend more time playing SNES, even though i only have two games at the moment, to induce identity euphoria

why do I frequently attract the attention of strangers in public? People that I do not recognise seem to recognise me, I suspect they are pretending to act stupid/slow or something and I am often very confused by what they are trying to say to me, whatever tf this is it isn't very nice

has this got anything to do with the fact my father died when I was 5?
am I technically an extraverted sensation dominant, prefering feeling over thinking, in denial? I hope not
is my basic motivation, primary driving factor, to be loved? I hope not
why does almost everyone on the internet seem to treat me in a way that does not align with how I wish to be? It causes so much distress
am I instrinsically so dramatic, pretending to be logical and detached and adhering to that image just to feel better about myself? I hope not
my introspection in itself gives me a sense of gender dysphoria

Almost everything about myself pretty much gives me some sense of gender euphoria. Intense introspection and journalling just feels a tad too "feminine" for me.
I woke up from a nap feeling a tad "robotic". Not a particularly nice feeling. Is this the "essence" that differentiates "younger self" from otherwise something other than that.
Sometimes the truth is too painful to bear that even death would be more preferable. Apparently seeking solace in pretending to be the opposite of how you actually are (primadomma LARPing as a detached observer) is a coping mechanism for some? My brother would label my romanticisation of nihilism, Russia, snufkin, etc as "younger self", supposed to coincide with otherwise opposite behaviour/personality such as increased emotionality, extraversion, spatial awareness, clinginess, and sensation-seeking, but why exactly?
Memories of that hurtful comment, long-winded detailed articulate and unsolicited, that broken my heart, but also left me choking out of shame had I been reassured they were false. It kind of gave off black void vibes.

a few examples of hurtful text messages my brother would leave
- "Do you want to be

• ?"

- "yes *" (sexual attention in public) ---> "actually yes" (envying more "normal" looking people, that don't have trauma)
- "Thanks for messying my bedroom"
- vocabulary policing basically. Kinda like censoring swear words, except the "swear words" are otherwise normal words, and instead of obscenity it's a matter of based / cringe. For example according to him IMAGERY=based IMAGES=cringe, NET=based INTERNET=cringe, MOTHER=based MUM/MOM/MAM=cringe. I felt so called out.

I take mild offence at being described as "interesting".

Old people calling me out for being "different" isn't particularly nice, there's something so inherently ugly about being "quirky" (like weird but in a fashionable way, not weird in a creepy off-putting disturbing way) and one of a kind from everyone else, I regret Not like the other boys, I really wish I could be more like the other boys, but I just can't.

me being at an increasingly higher risk of eviction because of whatever, every single time I attempt to make arrangements with my social worker it's a flop for whatever reason, it's as if I'm cursed or fated by whatever to live a progressively more painful life.

normal human behaviours look like computer-generated add-ons to some people