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BlueTeddy, I admire your strength. "I was not a monster" is a sentence I hope you hold onto forever because you were not a monster - and today, you still are not a monster. I have to laugh at the family who tried to break you, to say you're the fault for EVERYTHING - you never were the fault and I'm so sorry you're feeling this pain. You have people here to support you. I hope you get the asylum soon.

Hello everyone. I chose to go by the name Raidah (Ray Dah) online to protect my identity (and help me feel a little more disconnected from the abusive family and husband). Thank you for taking your time to read my post. I'm 32, female, and I'm here for a few reasons.

So, I'm here after seeing a video by crappy childhood fairy on Youtube about how us with CPTSD will eventually need to like ourselves and eventually have people in our lives to be healthy...I was shocked by her message because I didn't recognize that I didn't like myself. Even as I write this, I have to remind myself to be genuine since I'm so accustomed to acting like what I thought my abusers wanted me to be...

My problems stem from being raised by an abusive father who had money, worked in the courts, and was able to keep people in his pocket, assisting in keeping me the family scapegoat. My mother, although she was abused by him and showed sweetness to me many times, unfortunately believed I was born a flawed woman and anything dad gets mad at, will always be my fault. Because "you're a girl and you must learn how to be in this house with him" was the sentence I could never get out of my head from her. Because she knew he would only abuse women, she would plans days to enjoy with my brothers and make me stay with my dad - knowing he was going to get all of his anger out of me and she'll have a break. She would even go as far as to send my brothers to Puerto Rico (I'm of hispanic background) for the summer while keeping me because I'm a girl and couldn't go. - I must add that, I believe she went through a period of psychosis WITH him for a year, during my late 20s. 

My insurance got cut and I couldn't get my meds. Not having my medication (SSRI) made me spiral and quickly came the rage, the overthinking, the flashbacks, etc. It's been draining but it has also showed me how, being on meds has had a slight influence on allowing my abusers to remain in contact. Being medicated has helped me tremendously since understanding, even by professionals, has been hard to come by so, with medication, the isolation is a bit more bearable. If my insurance didn't get cut, maybe I wouldn't have recognized how much I was accepting isolation again...

I experienced my first "round" of losing touch with reality recently.  Coming out of the shower, I couldn't tell what time it may have been and I was in conversation with someone, venting and explaining the unfair things I've endured, but I just couldn't get out of it (or like "snap out of it"). My abusive husband was home and I had no choice but to explain what was happening.  Unfortunately, he too believes anything I feel is just because I'm a childish woman who needs to understand he's the prize.....

So...thats where I'm at. I think severe isolation, manipulation, triangulation and constantly being "set up" by these family members (they have even hacked my social medias) has officially taken a toll on my mind and since so many people have "joined" the flying monkeys, I think my health is just declining quickly. A huge part of me doesn't want to get help because I've been dismissed by professionals so many times, that I just don't even know what to say. What even comes after losing touch with reality?..

Thank you for reading my post.

Dee, welcome. I'm taken back by your story. My heart goes out to you. You've endured so much and have hurt for a long time - I'm so sorry for all that you and your brother went through. I'm sending a big hug.... I hope you stay in connection with us here.