Messages

I feel like I'm sabotaging my relationship. I was supposed to go out with my partner and his family for his sister's birthday this evening, it was going to be a dinner at a restaurant in town, I thought I could do that, but plans changed and they decided they would just meet at their parents' house and make plans from there, maybe get a takeaway and eat in or go out somewhere local to them. I started feeling anxious whilst I was getting dressed, didn't feel like I had anything to wear, was thinking about the conversations, having to explain how I've been recently and that I haven't made any progress on finding a new job, that i'm doing nothing with my life and i'm very unwell.

I freaked out in the car as we were about to head over, I was scared of going to their house. I feel very uncomfortable in other people's family homes, I feel trapped. I told my partner and he tried to convince me to just push through, told me I was spiralling and we should just go and it would be fine when I get there. I was thinking about me breaking down in tears in front of them all, or being quiet and weird, or worse being rude and angry. I feel like I need to explain why I'm like this and apologise to them all. He raised his voice at me and shouted "Fine just go", I don't want to make him angry, but it's not the first time I've pulled out of plans last minute and he's had to make up excuses to explain my absence. I feel bad, I feel like I'm ruining this relationship and now I'm catastrophising about being alone, he does so much for me, he's been so supportive, I've quit my job and he's supporting me financially. I don't know what I'd do without him. He said he doesn't want to explain to them why I'm not there. I told him i'm fine with him telling them the truth, that I have C-PTSD and I get very anxious and overwhelmed sometimes. He said he doesn't want to explain for me, that I'm an adult and I should be able to tell them myself. He said that he goes to my family events even though he's uncomfortable. I told him I'm trying and that it's not the same for me. I hate that I'm like this, I hate that I can't just push through it, why do I get so overwhelmed by everything. I messaged him saying I love you, he left me on read. I'm scared that he's going to tell me he can't do this anymore, I know it's difficult to be in a relationship with me. I flinch when he touches me sometimes, that must be horrible for him. Does anyone have any advice? I feel really alone and scared.

Thank you all for the warm welcome! 

Hello 

I'm 27 F and hoping to find some healing by connecting with the OOTS community, it's hard to find people to talk to about this stuff. There always seems to be a cost, whether it's money or the relationship itself. 

I recently overshared, I don't think it was a trauma dump  just an honest answer about how I've been with some ex-colleagues. A little too honest for polite company and a few too many drinks which definitely didn't help. The toxic shame lingered for days afterwards, triggering nightmares, emotional flashbacks and dissociation that I'm just coming out of 4 days later.

I'll try to be brief but here's my little super villain origin story;
 
Childhood was scary. I experienced sexual abuse by an older brother but he was also a child when it happened, idk how many times/ over how long. My parents' relationship was volatile, screaming matches and thrown objects was not uncommon. Dad wasn't around much, spent his time between work and the pub mostly, but he was the "punisher" often at my mum's request, I was "smacked" but never beaten. They divorced when I was 9, it was messy. Mum was desperate to find a new man, and she found a few bad ones along the way. I moved in with my dad when I was 15 and didn't speak to her for at least 5 years, and only have a surface level relationship with her now.

The first week I moved into a new place with my dad, I was attacked and raped by a stranger in a field in the middle of the day. I was out throwing a boomerang around with my little brother, he was 13. I was diagnosed with PTSD at 16 y/o and went into counselling. The counsellor questioned my lack of memory about my childhood and I wasn't ready to go into the stuff that happened with my brother so I stopped going and started self medicating instead. I got a Psychology degree to try and understand myself and threw myself into "climbing the ladder" at work which ended in burnout as I was a people pleaser who couldn't say no or set healthy boundaries.

Currently; I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in, but I'm very dependent on him and that really scares me. My symptoms have got worse since I've been with him and although I think this means I feel safe enough with him that all this is coming up, I feel like he's finding it really hard to be around me as he doesn't know what to do. I've recently quit my job after burnout. I'm trying to prioritize my mental health and find part-time work but I'm struggling to do that. I'm currently on the waiting list to start therapy, one more month apparently! I'm ready to start unpacking and processing my childhood, I want to help my inner child feel safe, reduce flashbacks and dysregulation. I want to reduce the dissociation so I feel present and in control of my life. I want to know who I am and turn up for myself, protect myself and build my own life not just be a passenger princess in someone else's. I've always been surviving, felt alone, been stuck in the past and haven't had the chance to plan for the future. I have so much shame, self-hatred, fear and anger. I know that healing is a long rollercoaster but I'm hopeful, right now anyway.

Recovery and healing; As a teenager, I used all the unhealthy coping mechanisms, I put myself in dangerous situations and have been traumatized and abused over and over again. I used drugs and alcohol and tried the prescription meds (anti-depressants, sleeping pills, beta-blockers). I've been in toxic relationships and isolated myself. I've done EMDR to reprocess the rape, I found that helpful but as it focus' on one trauma, it showed me that I have a lot more work to do, which is a hard pill to swallow. 

I've read a few self-help books; The Myth of Normal, Gabor Mate; Complex-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, Pete Walker; The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel Van-Der Kolk. I've done yoga and self- defence classes in the past but I've never done this consistently enough to see benefits.

I'm trying to stay productive, eat healthy, go to the gym, pack in as much self-care and healing work as possible. I think I know what I need to do, but putting that into practice is difficult. I'm aware that I need to accept this is going to be my life long journey and keep fighting, one step at a time. Hopefully this community will help me accept that with a little less romanticised melancholy.