Messages

Cat,

I'm new, here, and what you wrote was stunning!  You expressed, with great clarity and precision, how it feels to be on the receiving end of abuse, which in my case, is from my uBPDw.   And those EFs and moments of sudden feelings of rage do indeed remind me that I'm not gone.  I'm glad, because I the miss that 'me', before she and I crossed paths.  24 years of living in a bizarre, twisted, alternate reality to someone I thought was the love of my life and valued me as much as I valued her. 

We live, we learn and if we develop insight, we rise from the ashes, to be strong and whole, again.

Dutch Uncle,

Thank you for the welcome and reassurance.  I've read a few posts from other new members and some, like me, don't have a definite diagnosis of C-PTSD.  The therapist in Florida was also a Vietnam veteran and career military, so he was already familiar with combat PTSD and told me that, except for the trigger, the symptom spectrum is similar.  When I wrote my therapist in Maryland, he was quite concerned and wants to see me as soon as possible when I return.

I will look at the information and links on this site, as I do on OOTF.  I didn't really need another psych problem on top of bipolar but it is what it is.

How about long term spousal abuse?  My wife, who is suspected of having BPD by our T and my psychiatrist, has been emotionally and verbally abusive.  I keep having more and more moments when I feel rage bubbling up, which make me feel angry at myself for staying and giving her 'permission' to be abusive, but in therapy, I came to realize that I was co-dependent, needy, a rescuer and didn't know how to draw the line or walk away from her.  I also have untreatable bipolar illness, on disability since June, 2011,  so I'm dealing with a double dose of psych problems.   I'm miserable in this marriage and I need to find the courage to see an attorney. 

No one's story is uncomplicated and I'm no different, lol, but maybe I just put too much in one post, though I felt I needed to give detailed history.  If I went overboard,  I do apologize.   I've got so much I'm dealing with and I feel overwhelmed right now.  Thank you.

Hello Sam-I-Am & Dutch Uncle.  Regarding finding a therapist, Sam-I-Am, have you checked with your college's health clinic to see if they know of a psych clinic that works on a sliding scale?  When I got out of the NIMH a couple of decades ago, I was referred to the county mental health clinic and ended up with a great psychiatrist and great clinical psychologist, who thought my then gf, now wife, had BPD, but I was dealing with my bipolar illness and didn't pick his brain.   Even a hospital with a psych unit might be a good resource for either one of you to find a clinic with a sliding scale.  I'm fortunate that my psychiatrist and T take Medicare.  Keep looking.  I have treatment resistant ultra rapid cycling bipolar, along with suspected C-PTSD, according to a T I was seeing this winter in Florida.  Therapy is the only treatment that's keeping me from crashing and burning.

Just talked with a neighbor who usually isn't talkative, but she suddenly tells me she was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD, resulting from an abusive marriage.  We bonded very quickly.

I'm not sure, but I certainly don't want to cause anyone distress, whether they're still dealing with issues or are in recovery.  My apologies.

Hello everyone.  I've been of OOTF since last summer, but recently,  I asked a therapist I was seeing while in Florida if some of my symptoms looked like C-PTSD and he said yes, though I didn't receive a formal diagnosis, though he said that living with an uBPDw , with the accompanying drama and trauma, would make C-PTSD plausible.

I'm 65, with treatment resistant ultra rapid cycling bipolar, on Social Security Disability since June, 2011; wife is 70, married for 21 years, plus 3 years living together.   Over those years, she has insulted me, belittled me, has an explosive temper, rage, meltdowns, hot/cold feelings about sex, learned to walk on eggshells and also is addicted to alcohol.  In the past two years, she's told me: "I never found you sexually appealing.  You're too nice.  I've always liked men who treated me badly." and "If you want to go back to Florida, go!  You'll be homeless and broke because I can't help you.  I have no money."  That was rubbing the prenup I foolishly signed, in my face, without legal counsel.  She's retired federal, has a good pension, investments, never put my name on the deed of the house nor on the vacation condo in Florida nor on the two vehicles she owns.

I see a psychiatrist and a therapist.  We've been in couples counseling and though she's less reactive, she still finds ways to say hurtful things.  She had trauma in her life.  When she was 9, her mother died and her father sent her off to live with one, then another older sister.  Alcoholism runs in her family, along with mood, psychological and psychiatric problems, suicides and suicide attempts.  Both sisters and their husbands were heavy drinkers.  One husband physically abused the wife.  The other sister verbally and emotionally abused her husband and after one fight, after telling him, "I wish you were dead.", later that night, he shot himself.  That was about 50 years ago.  This was the sister with whom my wife lived from 12 until she was 18.  My wife told me, early in our relationship, in a lighthearted way, that she lives in constant denial.  True.  In therapy, she was dismissive, denied and distanced herself from any of her behaviors.

I'm trying to screw up my courage to see a family law attorney, in order to have the prenup evaluated.   I AM afraid of being homeless.  I'm not suicidal but between my severe bipolar and this dysfunctional marriage, I've been in a deep depression since late December, and the Florida weather couldn't even lift my mood.  My sleep has been poor for about the last two years, punctuated by strange, disturbing dreams, some of which I remember, most,though,which I don't, but essentially, my sleep is non-restorative, even with Klonopin, the only drug I've been taking for 9 years.  I'm trying to hold on and not crash and burn.  I see my psychiatrist on April 7th when we get back home and my therapist back there is up to date on my condition.  I'll be seeing him, too.