Messages

Chart-

I think your suspicion is probably correct, at least for a certain amount of people who experience FOO abuse. And I think it was probably the case in my little life.

There were events that occurred throughout my childhood that made my M and F even more unstable, dysfunctional and abusive; but there is also evidence that their bad parenting was there the whole time, as in from birth or even before birth in the womb.

And, I agree that it makes it harder to see and make sense of what happened, and to treat the effects of the trauma. (I like your metaphor of "boxing with an invisible adversary.")

I appreciate your advice of trying to go back as far as possible, to get as close as possible to the root. That's all we can do, and then just hope it can be enough to bring us to a type of clarity and healing.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate your insights even if they are an accounting of unfortunate, sad things. I always do better with good information and clarity of understanding, even when the subject matter is difficult or dark, so thank you.

Phoebes-

Yes, I can relate. I'm sorry you're going through it too.

I am only now beginning to try therapy. It scares me though. I know I need help, but I also know that bad "help" isn't help. That's what I've experienced with my physical illness: doctors who don't know what they're doing and /or who don't care enough about actually helping people. I think for some doctors, the job is just a nice paycheck and status symbol.

But, I'm hoping I somehow have better luck with therapists and mental health help. I know I can't depend on it, but I'm really, really hoping.

Narckiddo-

Thank you for the praise and encouragement.

And, yes, for me the abuse began in childhood and continued through,...well now (though I am working to not continue to allow it.) So it is as you so well described: "The longer it goes on the bigger and more tangled the whole knotty mess becomes. Ultimately meaning it takes that much longer to unpick."

Thank you for sharing your insights

Phoebes-

You are describing my experiences. Felt like a thing to both my M and F, instead of like a person. And a thing that they could use however they needed/wanted. As long as I was compliant, things seemed okay. But as soon as I had needs or feelings, or asserted my personhood in a way that went against what they expected and wanted to use me for, their mood, attitude, demeanor, way they would speak would all turn very dark. And their self-centeredness would be on full shocking display.

I'm in my early 40s and the lightbulb is only now really going off that it wasn't, and still isn't, me. There have been a couple people who tried to tell/show me in the past that things with my FOO were not okay and that it wasn't because of me; that it was because of my parents. I kind of understood it a little bit, but I did not fully see or believe it.

I'm only coming to a full realization of it all now.

And you all are right. It is definitely helping me to hear from others who have had similar experiences; people who have been through it too. I've never really known anyone who has been through it AND is openly and honestly talking about it, accepting it and dealing with it.

Thank you

Aphotic-

Yes, it would only lead to more pain for me too.

Thank you for your encouragement and expression of understanding. These little moments with you all on OOTS are helping me a lot.

I heard it today in a song. But it'll be in movies/shows or in people's stories when they talk about a time they were sacred or sick or whatever.

Thank you so much for your response. It is so validating and comforting. I too can feel repulsed and filled with intense anxiety when I think of talking to or being with my M.

I understand your relief at it being over. My F passed this year which puts an end to him doing more new harm, but my M is a different story. She just moved to my city this past July. It's a big piece of why I'm struggling so much right now.

You know how people say that they "call out for their M" or that they "still call out for their M" sometimes as an adult?

I have never done that as an adult and I can't remember ever doing it. I may have at one point as a child, but I can't remember it if I did. And I can't remember a time when I saw her or my F as people I can trust or as people to go to for comfort, advice, validation, love, etc.

This has to mean something, right? I am new to exploring my trauma honestly. So forgive me if I say the most obvious and commonplace things for people who have been mistreated by their FOO.

I have been going at life and survival solo for so long, as in without emotional recognition and support from my M or F, and with them depending on me for emotional support instead, that I just couldn't even recognize that it wasn't at all healthy or the way it's supposed to be.

I'm just now beginning to fully realize the actual reality and I'm in my 40s!

Thank you Blueberry.

Interesting that 'compounded' was discussed as an alternative to 'complex.' It definitely seems more specific and to better explain the experience people are having. Thanks for sharing that with me.

And yes, I did end up setting that boundary with my mother yesterday. I didn't even think about how that probably has put me in a vulnerable, rough or shaky emotional/psychological  state. Thank you for pointing that out.

(I'm not sure if this sub-board is the right one to discuss this on, but I couldn't figure out which one might be.)

Do any of you have multiple different things in your life that are probably contributing to your C-PTSD and it's intensity?

I'm pretty sure mine is caused by a few different long-term traumatic experiences: emotional abuse from family of origin, being autistic, chronic physical illness and pain, and healthcare trauma from not getting help for my illness despite trying for over a decade.

All of these things are overlapping for me too, as in are happening simultaneously beginning at some point in time. The negative effects have compounded over the years and have become very overwhelming/consuming for me to the point where I am really struggling to function. I feel so beat down and like there is very little willpower of my own left to draw from.

I'm about to begin seeing a therapist but haven't yet, and I'm currently really struggling. So I'm posting here to try and help myself deal and cope better right now.

Thank you Narckiddo, Armee, and Blueberry. I feel so understood and supported. It is really helping me keep a balanced perspective and to handle today the way I really need to.

Thank you 

Thank you MountainGirl

I am starting to see a therapist next week. I'm hoping she will be a good fit so I can start having help to process and work through it all.

I too wish for healing and relief for me, you and everyone who has experienced similar things.

I can relate to this. I think about it a lot too.

It even happens IN my family, but I had to separate myself from it in order to stop being mistreated.

It's definitely weird to see other people having that/doing it while not being able to do it myself. And I'm not sure how I feel about it either.

My family isn't a safe family for me to function that way with so, even if I desire it, it just isn't possible.

Maybe we're grieving. Grieving something natural that others have, but we don't. Idk

Also, it is invaluable to have people who can understand, and who will encourage me to trust myself and to respect my own needs. Very few people in my life have even come close to understanding why I need to draw such boundaries with my family of origin.

Thank you RainyDiary and Blueberry. I really appreciate your replies, support and insights.

The idea that it isn't really my own guilt is very helpful. I will try to parse out what is my own guilt, shame and blame from what others have unfairly put on me.

Again, thank you both.

I am about to start therapy (consult next week,) but I have an issue I need help with today.

TW:emotional abuse

My mom is one (maybe the main one) of my family members who has emotionally/psychologically abused me. She moved to my city 4 months ago and her birthday is tomorrow. Currently, I want to avoid her, but is it wrong for me to avoid her on her birthday?!

I have yet to really get help for my abuse and the trauma responses I have (formal help starts next week.) I have tried to help myself with the aid of information, books and reading others stories but that hasn't been enough.

I'm currently still in a pretty bad and fragile place with it all. My mother is incredibly triggering and overwhelming for me. I have been so lost since she moved to town, and I feel so unprepared and incapable of properly handling the situation. I've tried to figure out what my needs are, what boundaries and distance to enact, and the best ways to protect myself, but I'm still so confused about it all. And, honestly, I don't want to be with her, especially alone.

But her birthday is tomorrow! I still struggle so much with blame and guilt, even though I know in my logical brain that the sad, bad situation is not my fault. I know it shouldn't actually be my responsibility, but I still feel so responsible for my mother's feelings and how others perceive our relationship.

Any advice for how to help myself handle her birthday tomorrow? I really don't want to see her, but it feels sooo wrong not to. I feel like I have to make myself do it. I think sending a text is something I can manage. I'm not sure about an actual phone call because I know talking with her will just make me feel more guilty; and, then, if she asks about getting together it will be hard for me to say no.

If I choose to only text her, or to not contact her at all, how do I deal with this guilt and blame that I so easily believe?