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Hello Echoecho

You came out with something very interesting, and I should think very common, regarding a flashback where the parent thought you had lied.
Parents such as ours were great liars, they cannot handle the truth anyway. So they lashed out.
They just did not have the intelligence or capacity to think in a calm and logical manner.
Our parents were not good role models, so it makes sense that we find relating to others mind blowing, and frightening. They were not safe. So are there safe people? I think so. I know so. I have a few very high quality friends.
I do believe this is part of CPTSD; the wanting safe relationships. The nurturing we needed. I too would rather be alone than try to work people out.
It's exhausting!
So, how do we let people into our lives that are nurturing and loving? Great question.
I have gone with how my body feels around someone.
We are hyper vigilant after all. Our eyes and brains are looking for danger. Harm.
To feel that calm and warmth is rare, but it does happen.
Some people also make time for YOU.
Also it is only a few people who have these good qualities.
But there are billions of people on this earth. I am willing to believe there's a few good people amongst them.
Your feelings are valid. The right people will reflect these back to you with respect and humanity. Something our parents were devoid of.
The right people are also waiting for you to discover them.
I understand the ache of despair and also the desire to connect.

Sending my best wishes to you.

A memory has come back to me tonight. As a teenager, my mother used to write letters on a lined A4 writing pad, and leave it on the coffee table in the living room.
Not hidden, but you could see she had written letters, usually to her friends.
She used to write so many horrible things about me to her friends.
She would tell her friends how I had been disciplined by my father for my behaviour, I think her particular wording was how I was 'read the riot act'.
For those that don't know what that means, it means scolding severely for personal failings.
Why on earth would anyone write to their friends to degrade their children?
She wrote that she was going to throw me out of 'her house'.
She would describe me in the most awful terms.
I had not done anything wrong.
I never took drugs, drank alcohol or partied.
I was a prisoner in 'her house'.
When I saw the words I just broke down in tears.
My mother came into the room and asked what I was crying about.
I said I had seen what she had written in her letters.
She went crazy and yelled at me for reading her 'private correspondence'.
I never even text my friends about my sons, certainly not about family life, but we are a reasonably harmonious family. We did not punish our children, hit, or curse at them.

I just think she was utterly cruel, crazy, and I think she genuinely hated me.

She used to come up to my face and tell me to 'leave'.
'When are you leaving?'
My dad would sit reading his newspaper and just repeat the words my mother had uttered.
I was 17.

Thank you to everyone so far who has replied, I've got tears running down my cheeks. Nice thoughts Dalloway, they all make perfect sense.
And to you NarcKiddo, oh yes, there's plenty of snow, but it's all good and can get about with no issues.
Thank goodness this place exists.
I mean it when I say it's probably a lifesaver......

Just want to say a quick hello to you too, Lina.
I think you will find some joy.
It's totally possible.
This site is a great place to start.

Big thanks to those who have said hello so far!
Kizzie....my goodness.....you certainly make a lot of sense with your reply.
It's something I've always known.
It seems like my boss is someone who I cannot trust....she forced me to tell her 'what was wrong' with me......happy one minute....easily in tears the next......I just cannot regulate my emotions, no matter how hard I try.
I have left employers, by not coping with awful behaviours....and yes....abuse in the workplace!
If someone screams and yells, I am out of there.
The thing is, I work very hard and go the extra mile so often.
I know I am talented, but I will never ever reach my potential.

Life is difficult for those of us diagnosed with CPTSD, then we have to do the delicate dances and game playing in the workplaces.

Hello everyone, I'd like to introduce myself. I'm Darkhorse, I live in Scotland.
I was diagnosed with CPTSD a few years ago, 2019.
I've struggled so much over the years.
I am not in contact with my family of origin.
It has been about 20 years since I've seen any of them. But it's very peaceful, and also joyful, tinged with a lot of sadness.
The worst thing is that I long to socialise with people, but I become so exhausted trying to work people out, are they trustworthy? So it's so much easier and less tiring to not socialise.
I feel that I will be forever on the outside, looking in.
Why am I not good enough to be part of a group?
What am I doing wrong?
I am interested in other people, their likes, dislikes and passions.
I have been 'used' in the past by some, as do many other human beings I guess.
I do have a few very very good friends, who care very much.
Any ideas why I am always on the outside?
It was always this way growing up too.