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Agree BluePalm and I also think it's one reason survivors turn to drugs/alcohol, not just to numb ourselves  but to turn down the volume on hypervigilance and be able to relax and drift as you put it. 

My H and I are moving closer to a large city in Oct and I am going to invest my insurance coverage in therapy that does have elements of body/somatic work so I can hopefully learn to turn the volume on my amygdala down, way down if that's possible.

Hi Kizzie

I'm new to this Forum & have only just read this thread.

I'm 58 & up until approximately 10 years ago I felt like I had the energy to focus positively on the things I needed to do as a husband, father, house owner, band member, church member, friend, business owner & family member.  I was one of those people always in the thick of 'the action' of life. 

Behind the scenes I was in therapy, trying to understand why I felt like I was carrying around a heavy burden on my back.....or dragging one of those ball & chains around attached to my ankle.  I tried so hard to be ok, but I knew I wasn't.

After finally acknowledging (very recently) I was abused in my family of origin (it took 34 years of therapy) & then becoming aware that my 'faith context' is also dysfunctional & abusive I reached out to a charity that promises to listen & offer resources (not therapy) to those who believe they've experienced abuse in a Faith context.  For the first time ever I heard the words 'complex trauma' & then CPTSD was explained to me along with Polyvegal theory.

Although this has brought clarity & explained me to me in many ways it has also 'muddied the waters' too. 

Getting 'out of my head', into the present moment, a 'safe' space where I can connect with my inner child & learn to give them the love, joy, peace & fun they should have had is a MASSIVE ask.  A plethora of advice is out there on how to achieve this.
I made a start & quickly became overwhelmed.  It felt like going back to church......'do this, no do this, don't do that, or that, stop thinking about this & that, think about this & that, gotta meet with these kinda people but not those kinda people, read this article, this book, listen to this speaker or that speaker, watch this YouTube video or that one, but don't listen to that person or watch their stuff, sign up for our course, it's free until you agree you are in need of more than soundbites & then you gotta pay.....etc etc.

You said you were moving & it sounded like you were gonna embark on a similar attempt to get out of your head & into a more Somatic approach to your healing.  When I read that I immediately wondered if it is helping you or maybe if you feel a bit overwhelmed by it all.  I wonder if you have any thoughts about how an already overthinking & kinda burned out head & body can get passed this phase.  I am trying all sorts of things currently; reading the books I used to read as a kid, colouring books, singing, Pilates, breathing techniques, meditation, playing games with a friend & I actually played my guitar last night for the first time in forever.

I am also still self soothing with very unhealthy addictions!!

I noticed your message was several years ago and I was wondering if you can share any helpful tips and or things to avoid from your experience please & thank you.

Thank you Blueberry

Hi Little2Nothing

Thanks for 'putting pen to paper' on this subject.  I totally relate. 

I've described my reaction to REALLY connecting to my childhood (my feelings not my thoughts) as like staring into a very deep black abyss & who would want to do that.  I have also said that I might start crying & never stop such is the level of fear & sadness I felt/feel.

I read a book by Janette Winterson once that had a chapter beautifully describing her process of reconnecting with her Inner Child.  It made me cry.  I also did a meditation recently that had the same effect but when I did the second & 3rd times I just couldn't go there & instead got angry!

Anyway, thanks to all who wrote in this thread.

Perhaps you can all relate.  I am new to this community.  I found it a relief to see how many people have a common experience BUT at the same time I am overwhelmed by it!!  It is terrifying to know that so many people have such pain & difficulties to live with!!

I wish it wasn't so!!

Send love to you all such as it is.

Hello Rizzo

I just read your initial post.

I am new to this forum & recognise your feeling of being overwhelmed......& just not being able to find the focus/energy/desire (whatever it is) to 'make the most' of certain opportunities.

I was just wondering how you're getting on now.  I hope much better.

Wishing you all the very best.

Hi

I have been in therapy for the better part of 35 years.

It was only suggested to me about 2 months ago that CPTSD is my experience.  I immediately related to what was explained to me & since then have set about trying to understand CPTSD. 

As I have learned about the Central Nervous System & the Autonomic System, the Sympathetic & Parasympathetic systems & how individuals react to traumatic events (in this case, repeated abusive behaviour) I have realised that I need to 'get out of my head' & allow my body to expel a volume of negative energy/emotion stored there.

So......I researched how to do that & started Pilates at home. I learned about breathing (and discovered I hold my breath as an unconscious habit) & started a simple breathing technique.  I found some meditation videos & have tried several of them. The first one talked about reconnecting with 'the inner child' & the resistance we can feel towards that.  The first time I did it I cried, the next time I got angry & realised I am ashamed of them & my family of origin & I just want free of all of them!!

I launched into all of this & continued to explore YouTube watching different practitioners sharing their knowledge & expertise on these subjects.

However in the last 48 hours or so I have begun to feel kinda overwhelmed by it all.  I grew up in a Faith based environment. I am beginning to feel that the approach to healing from CPTSD is the same as the evangelical Christian's approach to Faith.  Just listen to one more sermon, go to another meeting, read a book by the latest hot preacher on the rank, go see this person for prayer or that person.  Just adopt THIS practice or that practice.  Give up this bad habit or that one............& on & on! (And for the actual courses offered beyond the initial information videos one is lured in by the promise of freedom from our 'stuckness' as long as we cough up a lot of dosh......now where have I heard this before?!!!)

Like those days, years & my experience with Christianity, I feel that there is truth in what I am learning about CPTSD but how do we find it amongst the plethora of 'voices' telling us, " just do this or that and your healing is just round the corner".........just like that proverbial pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

It is an overwhelming feeling to me that I might spend any more time 'doing what I'm told' only to find myself still stuck in years to come.

Alongside this dilemma the 'soothers' (addictions) that I discovered as a child/young person gave a modicum of relief to my sadness continue to remind me that THEY are there for me & will provide the relief that all these other 'promise a lot but actually deliver nothing' snake oil salesman won't!

The priority of HEALTHY 'self care', (which I'm just beginning to learn is a thing), I realise is always being undermined by a determination, even though I know better, that I need these 'soothers'. 

Last night as I explained all this to my therapist he had the audacity to suggest that I live in my head & spend my time in research as an avoidance technique designed to avoid actually taking responsibility for myself.........not actually DOING anything to help myself!!

I kinda think he's right.........I'm just overwhelmed is all 😫

Thank you Hope & thank you Chart

Hello everyone,

Possibly, like many of you when typing your first ever Forum communication, I am staring at a blank 'page' & a blinking cursor wondering where to start.

 I am not a young person nor am I an old person but I am old enough to have realised something was 'wrong' & took advice to go to therapy over 30 years ago.
Since then I have seen psychiatrists through my countries mental health system, paid privately to travel to my countries capital to see a clinical psychologist & had a number of different approaches to therapy from various private therapists.

Yet I've continued to struggle. I don't know how to articulate succinctly how I ended up here on this forum but what I can say is I am currently experiencing what, until this moment as I try to communicate with you, I would have described as new or different very difficult & isolating experiences in my life but just now as I think about CPTSD I realise they are just 'more of the same'.

I can say more if & when it's appropriate but I reached out to a charity that offered an opportunity to talk about 'abuse in a faith context' & for the first time ever it was suggested to me that I had 'complex trauma' & how the whole central nervous system can become de regulated & needs to be re regulated.  As I've researched the subject the issue of 'connection' & often the lack of it for CPTSD survivors has often come up.  As I relate to that I am thinking about how to address it.  I googled it (of course) & here I am.