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For me forgiveness is a very personal thing that for a while I tried to push on myself because I felt thats what good people do ... they dont hold grudges, they forgive. They try and understand, have compassion.

I wasnt clear for a long time on what forgiveness implied... did it mean reestablishing the relationship? Forgetting all that had happened?   I now know that for me it has nothing to do with those things, for me it is making a decision to let go of the anger associated with the event... a sort of letting go.

But, having cycled through the grieving process from so many angles the only forgiveness I needed to give was to myself , forgiving myself for just being a child, a teenager and then a young woman who still carried the wounds of her past.  For knowing only what I knew, for doing the best I could, and making decisions based on that knowledge and negative beliefs.

It was letting go of that self blame and hate, directing it towards those people who hurt me and then letting it go because holding on to it only causes more harm to me that has felt like forgiveness, a letting go.

Dont get me wrong I have felt enormous compassion for the people who have hurt me, I have even cried for their hurts, but that will never make their wrongs ok and the best I can do is to say (after a long period of being very, very angry) that I dont want their wrongdoings to bring me down anymore. I choose to let go of the hate...

Its something I still have to remind myself of, a conscious decision, particularly when Im processing stuff , but it does feel healthier to feel it, accept it then let it go.

I've been having really upsetting emotional flashbacks these past few days.

Its funny because I find that the further down the line I go in recovery the more painful the emotions are.  I get longer periods of joy and happiness. But when I go through strong periods of healing ... like now Its like everything feels so intense... shame, sadness.... deep sadness that I cant shake. I know these are emotional flashbacks and Ive already survived whatever trauma they represent but they sadden me so much, particularly as Its remembering feeling  like I cant take pain anymore and want to give up.

Yet its not only remembering that, sometimes Like today I in the present just cant take any more. Im tired, so tired of what comes with this very long process

When will all of this stop or will this be life? I know that good feelings will come around again but in the moment it just feels so unfair...

Why does my life have to be plauged with these? Why cant I just lead a normal life without all this stuff proping up over and over....

I know its normal to get disheartened ... but this healing stuff is the hardest thing Ive ever had to do... to keep finding the strength to keep going even when the pain is exhausting, I know that I will get back up and fight on but by god its so bloody hard....

Thank you for sharing this article "letting go of an old friend" really resonates with me.
My addiction of choice is food... its not as bad as it used to be since Ive been exercising and commiting to physical health but, it still becomes particularly strong when I am experiencing a new type of flashback or processing some new information. Its stuffing myself to stop the emotion.
Its definetely the old familiar friend I turn to.
Very informative piece

I too have been in this situation and Im so sorry you are having such a hard time, coming out of the denial and seeing the truth for the first time can be so painful,

The grief I felt was unbearable at times but the only way out of it all is through.  In the darkest of moments I learned to rely on my own inner strength and that brought me a lot of comfort  though I did reach out through therapy too!

My thoughts are with you and keep hope... you will get through this!

Woodsgnome, Sandmagic7

Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement. 😀

I know in the past some of my toughest lessons have came from intimate relationships and whilst it was painful at the time when I recognised the lesson it helped... I know it still sucks though regardless of whether you know that relationship was right for you 😂 So much comfort to you in this time of sadness.

I could also relate to whats been said about improving our emotional intelligence and then wanting fullfilling connections.  For years and particularly those earliest stages of recovery  I couldnt have cared less about relationships with others, its only been very recently at a deep level that Ive admitted that quality social connections are important at all levels.

I think survivors/thrivers of c-ptsd/ other traumatic experiences are more determined to have all the healthy components in these connections. We know how important they are....

 sweetfreedom & boatsetsail

Thank you for your replies and kind words of encouragement.  I have been just finding my feet with navigating replies on here!

Whats so good about this forum is I can actually can see how much progress I have made with the issue of connecting since posting this initial comment.

Its amazing how much healing can be done when you focus on yourself and loving and caring for yourself.

So this has become the place for me in recent months where I have come for validation and understanding. I mostly read others posts and nod in agreement about feelings and challenges. I have been overwhelmed and inspired by the honesty and courage demonstrated by users of this site and I felt it was time for me to share my story as I enter a new chapter of my recovery.

I no longer want to be alone in this life.  For the first time since being a young girl I want to connect ... I want to receive from others.

Ive been actively in recovery for 5 years now, its taken a long time to break down the walls erected by my inner child and build a trust with myself.  Finally  over the past year I feel Ive been getting to the core of my issues.

A bpd mother/npd father caused me countless episodes of betrayal, abuse, ongoing rejection and abandonment. This start set me up for invalidating and abusive relationships in adulthood at all levels.

I dont feel it neccessary to detail all the hurt extensively now, Ive processed a lot of it, Im more interested in the fact that I gave up on connecting with other people about aged 7... that just saddens me immensley. I focused on meeting the needs of others and overcompensated for my lack of connections with schoolwork.

I know I have developed great strengths from my multiple traumas...but Im ready for the new... Im happy to leave my abusive history firmly in the past and although I continue to experience episodes of anxiety and pain I feel myself opening.

Ive been connecting more with others on a daily basis instead of wrapping myself up and boxing myself up -i know this was neccessary for me to do, but its been nice to chat in general with people instead of continually iscolating myself. 

My existing relationships have also improved. I dont want to pursue connecting with my FOO anymore, they are either stuck in their illnesses/unhealthy patterns or are just unwilling to be present and healthy. Im letting go of the shame of not actually liking my parents that much, they are abusive and hurtful people and I dont need to see them out of obligation. Im willing to send cards / thd odd text but it doesnt make me happy to be around people who have been so repeatedly and consistently unkind, unsupportive and unloving to me.

I felt really ill with flu in work this week and actually opened myself to receive comfort from my co-workers. It was nice and not at all scary, this was a huge step for me I actually felt myself being comforted by a hug and feeling safe with it.

Such a small episode symbolises a shift for me.... the possibility of connecting and enjoying fullfilling relationships at all levels... I am hoping that I will continue to risk receiving (thats more of an issue than giving for me)  and will keep updating !!!

Hi three roses 
I think your stance demonstrates good self care, it is certainly better to just give ourselves permission to feel what we feel. 

I can be so hard on myself at times, mostly compassionate but I have this urge to have myself 'fixed' which I know is not helpful or caring to myself but after years of working hard to improve myself it is how I feel somedays especially when Im exhausted.

Thanks mourning dove. Its nice to hear I am not alone in that thought. 😀

I am a new poster and as I have read through these messages I have been surprised at the amount of aha moments.... I have felt alone and like I dont fit in my whole life. I had a very tough and sad upbringing where I didnt really connect with anyone healthily.
As a result I have struggled through my adult life especially connecting with others. I am a recovering people pleaser/ caretaker and
I dont have any close relationships at the moment. Im just sick of feeling resentful and taken advantage of... For which I know I am partly responsible for because I give too much.
Its just so hard today and I just wonder is all this effort to connect with others even worth it?
I have this human need to connect with others that I just dont feel capable of doing