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That sounds so difficult. I know what it's like to soldier on despite the inner explosions. I can't imagine whet it must have been like for you when you were finally able to heal without worrying about others.
I'm 48 with young kids and a long suffering husband (who saved me) I'm trying to break quietly in the corner and not disturb their childhood too much.
I have an amazing family at least
quote author=Kizzie link=msg=151092 date=1739381867]
Hi Ellen - I raised our son on my own a lot as my H was military and away quite a bit so I had to keep on top of my symptoms. AT the time I didn't know it was CPTSD so I just pushed everything down and soldiered on. It was only when I was older, retired and our son was off at university that I went into hospital because I think I knew on some level I could, that no-one was depending on me.

Because we moved around a lot I didn't work in one job, I worked in many so it was like a new ballgame each time we moved and I could manage better. When I started teaching it was online so I didn't have to deal with all the issues that come up in a F2F environment. So I'm not sure my situation is quite like yours. 

Do you need to work? Is the work you do something you could do remotely? Could you work part-time versus full-time? IN some countries CPTSD is considered a disability so maybe you could check into that. 
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Thank you!
I love ' When we have so much to overcome and heal, my personal feeling is that banishing the bad rather than chasing the good can be more manageable. If you can look back and say that things are better now than they were, say, last month or last year that is an achievement to celebrate. And when thinking about that you might realise that happiness has crept in, too, while you weren't looking.'

It's hopeful in a way that seems achievable. At least healing is better than pretending.

I come from a background of emotional abuse and heavy enmeshment, so not sure how much (if any) of my experience may resonate with you. In my case all that mattered was my mother being OK. I completely lost touch with myself at an early age. I went through life people-pleasing and declaring things to be fun that other people said were fun. I was "happy" at appropriate things without any idea, or even interest, in what I, personally, actually felt. If I felt anything at all.

I'm in my mid to late fifties now and am in the process of finding out about me. It has been hard for probably the last 10 years as I have realised things I (and others) thought I liked I actually don't care for. I am sure it has been difficult for my husband as I adjust. I am having to do it carefully, for him and for our marriage as much as so that I don't overwhelm myself. There have been many times where I have felt the joy has leaked out. I then need to think about whether it really was joy in the first place or just me going through the motions. I can't think too much about how many years I have wasted because I can't get them back and it would be too upsetting. What I can tell you is that I am finding happiness. Unbounded joy is not something I have found - but that is a big emotion and I am probably scared of it. Occasional happiness and general contentment is what I am aiming for right now and I think I am getting there.

When we have so much to overcome and heal, my personal feeling is that banishing the bad rather than chasing the good can be more manageable. If you can look back and say that things are better now than they were, say, last month or last year that is an achievement to celebrate. And when thinking about that you might realise that happiness has crept in, too, while you weren't looking.

Just my personal thoughts - ignore anything that does not help you.

Thank you. That was really helpful and I appreciate you taking the time. I'm going to try the kidney beans strategy. Work is mostly a book thing but I feel like I can't function right now. I'll take some time off and see how I go.
All the best on your healing journey x
I hope

Do you mind if I ask you, did you have to take time off work. I just don't want to go outside. I'm not sure how to fit recovery in around my life and kids.

I'm not Kizzie, but saw your first post earlier and now this...

I certainly had to take time off work, several years in fact, then worked very much reduced hours and am now once again not working at all, tho I'm only in my mid 50's. I hope you don't end up being not able to work at all (and going on disability etc), but you wouldn't be the only one on the forum needing time off work for a while to work on recovery.

As for joy, I've just come back up again from a period of feeling there's not even any point to joy, or point to doing anything that might have brought joy to me in the past. So in the past couple of hours, I've been writing dates in my calendar of various events including regular ones like choir practice. I notice that when I have the impression that there's not even a point to joy, I'm back in a huge emotional flashback (EF, you'll find reference to them all over the forum) going back to giving up emotionally as a child, as a defensive wall to FOO members. You may also find that not feeling joy has some connection like that to your childhood, other than the obvious lack of joy back then, I mean.

I've been in healing for a couple of decades now, and there certainly have been times when I've been able to feel joy, sometimes finding joy regularly over months. I learnt to cultivate it too, which is not the same as positive thinking! I read of this somewhere - start out the day with a pocket of little stones or kidney beans or similar and every time there's the slightest little thing that gives you joy, transfer stone/kidney bean etc to the other pocket. At the end of the day, write down those joys using the stones/kidney beans from the 'other' pocket as a memory aid. Write them all in one place, so not mixed up in a journal with 'bad stuff'. After a while, you'll have a good idea of what brings you joy, and it's often the small stuff - somebody smiled at you briefly, the sun appearing on a cloudy day, first flower of spring, a cup of hot tea, watching an animal play... I did follow that for about 8-9 months and it really helped me to concentrating on Joys every evening and later several times a day. I'd sit in the train on the way to my doctor's and write Joys in my little book.

Here on the forum, we have a few open threads with a similar purpose:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16226.0
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11363.0
Feel free to read and add your own, if it helps you. If it doesn't, that's OK too because our healing paths go their own way and nobody's route is the exact same as anybody else's. 

Thank you. Do you mind if I ask you, did you have to take time off work. I just don't want to go outside. I'm not sure how to fit recovery in around my life and kids.

In my experience, facing the pain is the hardest part of recovery and I too felt like it would always overwhelm me.
However, for me it began to subside over time and now is at a point where it's manageable and I have more room for happiness. There's a lot of emotion connected to abuse/neglect so I found I needed a lot of self-compassion and to give myself time to move out of the darkness into the light.

I hope this helps   

I've been getting to know my trauma in the past few years. It's always been with me, I just didn't know why I hated myself, why I kept failing no matter how hard I tried, why social situations felt like warfare.
I'm seeing a therapist and trying to understand why it all happened.
I was a state ward and experienced sexual abuse so many times, saying it sounds like I'm making it up. That many? Really? Yes. Yes. Yuck.
The problem is that now I look back and see that young girl looking for love and acceptance and instead getting hurt.  I have begun to stop blaming her. But understanding has leaked all the joy out of my life. I'm so sad for her. And now all that's left is me. Before I could pretend. Now I know. I have stopped doing any of the things I liked. They seem pointless. Has anyone found joy again? I don't want to live like this forever. Especially since the feelings cause so much physical pain these days.