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Please let me know if this post isn't appropriate for this forum. I don't know what exactly I hope to get out of posting this, but I kind of need to get it off my chest and maybe see if anyone else can wrap their head around or explain my feelings.

I am entering my last year of post-secondary education next year. What makes me sad about this is not just missing classmates I have known for a while, but also that I won't be able to see this one professor again.

For some confusing reason I have developed an attachment to him, even though I don't know him that well and was too shy to speak up in his class most times. From his lectures I have learned that we do have some things in common, like taste in movies, but mostly I don't know that much about him. However, I get this feeling sometimes like I really want to know more about him, which drives me crazy, since there really is no way to, and that thought isn't appropriate.

 At first I thought it was a crush, but I have been realizing that it is something different - what, I don't know. I had his class two years ago, and he doesn't teach any other years, so I am sad that I will most likely never see him again or hear his voice again. Strangely however, I am also too scared to try to talk to him or see him in any way. The thing is, when I had his class I was so nervous in it because I was scared to be around him in case I embarrassed myself.

At times I even disliked him or thought he disliked me, since he gave me feedback I thought was too critical once. I don't even know if I completely like him since his work isn't my vibe per say. But I liked it when he gave me good feedback on my work.

Overall, I don't know why I developed this attachment, and I'm worried it might mess with things since this professor has an important advisor role in my program, and if I have to get some kind of help from him I might be too shy to talk to him. I don't have strong feelings that often and for many people, and strangely right now I am not as excited about anyone else as I am him, which I know is insane and makes me feel like a creep, and I wish I wasn't.

Hi, I think I probably have faced emotional neglect from my caregivers growing up (though I can't say for sure since my memory of growing up might be kind of bad) and experience symptoms of CPTSD (undiagnosed and unsure as well).

I'm afraid it has kind of made me a bad person in some ways. I have a hard time accepting other people's flaws, since I can see things  in black and white, I hold grudges, I can rely on others for validation, which is probably annoying, I sometimes think I am better than others, I don't know how to have arguments with friends and I think if someone argues with me it means they are my enemy, etc.

I don't know how to have good friendships and the guide to that. But sometimes I am stubborn and defend my issues because I think I am thinking the right way.