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I felt similarly to you when I was your age. The way people saw me was so challenging. I got "you think you are better than everyone" daily, among some pretty harsh remarks. I knew they were wrong, and it felt so unfair that they were constantly telling me who I was. I was also in so much emotional pain from 16-23 that I was pretty much a bomb. I could be really reserved, but things would set me off so easily, especially if I felt I wasn't being heard.

For me, one really important thing has been unlearning the lies that were told to me growing up. I think you can be whoever you want to be, and do what makes sense for you, and that chaos/uncertainty is going to get easier to navigate. Trying to forgive yourself when you are not doing things exactly the way you want to be. Humans are messy, and we make so so many mistakes. I don't handle everything with the grace I would like to, but sometimes when you are speaking your truth you need to do it in a messy way.

I agree with Kizzie that a journal is super helpful, even the journal you are keeping on the forum. It is so helpful to get everything out.

I can relate. When it comes to different approaches and therapies, I can be pretty negative and skeptical. I was very against inner child work a few years ago. I had soo many feelings there, that it was impossible for me to work through it in that way, or believe that it had a benefit. That changed over time. My current therapist has been good at not forcing it, and it is a lot easier for me to address those wounds.   

I think it is normal to doubt that these things will work. For me different approaches have worked overtime. I was pretty skeptical of Mindfulness, until it one day made so much sense.

It is a journey, for me it has worked similarly to what Narckiddo said "when I look back on how things were when I started I can see progress has been made". That can be small progress too. It can take time to trust the process, and the methods.

When you were born I was excited to have another girl around. I thought we were going to be friends and have a great life. Trying on dresses, watching movies, going on adventures. I did not understand the game we were playing in the house and how it started the day you were conceived. I was only a child, after all.

I can see now what your existence meant.

I was the unwanted and fatherless child, meant to be unloved and unseen. Your father hated me, and he came into the family pretending to love me. But he loved the idea, and the idea of a loving family (wife and kids). Just as our mom loved the idea. But loving the idea of something does not mean you will get what you want automatically. These things take a lot of work. He was so resistant to my presence once you were there, like I was a mistake and the reason he was always angry. But he was just broken in his own way.

We were pitted against each other our whole lives. You were taught to treat me the same way he treated me. You were taught that anything that was mine was yours, that if you screamed loud enough the blame would always fall onto me- even if you did it they would never believe me. You could harm me, disrespect me, belittle me, because that was the standard.

You were so young, you had no idea, and neither did I. You loved me, as my abuse began to show and I began to withdraw. You wrote me letters when you were 4 about your love for me, bought me cute gifts as you got a bit older- but I was already shattered. I remember you crying, wondering why I hated you. Wondering how you could make it better. I hated you for so long, because you were wanted and I was not. You were loved, and I was not. They always thought you were amazing, even when you were not.

I couldn't love you, or care about you. I didn't have the opportunity to be the older sister you needed or wanted, at least fully. I am so angry about what has been stolen from us. Our relationship did not stand a chance. Even before you started to hate me in return, you witnessed my abuse over and over and over again. You witnessed how I was being treated. You tried to protect me with your screams, while I was trying to protect you by being the target.

We didn't stand a chance. And it breaks my heart that two adults brought us into the world, just to hate one another. You learnt so many terrible traits, and you inherited a handful of other ones. You have become a monster like no other.

We no longer speak. We have come to an unspoken agreement that we are not going to have any kind of relationship. But it is your pain that pushed me away. You hurt me, you insulted me, lied to me, manipulated me, and put my life in jeopardy. Now I don't even want to hear about how you are doing, because you are just as broken as your father was(if not more). I ask about you to make sure you haven't vanished, but everything beyond that is not necessary.

We may be different, with different fathers, but there was no reason for any of this. We should be sisters, we should care about each other.

People air their opinions about our current relationship. About how you have changed, how you are doing really well. But I feel sick at the idea of inviting you into my life. I cannot imagine how we can mend this, and I am not sure I want to. But I do wish you well, in the way that I hope you find professional support and help.

Time will tell.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Hopelessness is so difficult, especially when your life and environment are giving you nothing.

My heart goes out to you, and I hope things get better for you. I am new to the forum, but you can see the support and kindness that it offers. I hope being here provides you some support and connection as you navigate your struggles.

I wrote this poem a few weeks ago after being triggered by a family friend. They received a text from my mother (whom I have been no-contact with for nearly 1.5 years), and they felt like it was funny to share it with me. The text read "don't let them make you hate me".


Make you hate me


You are detested by your own hand.
While I heal and move beyond those words,
they trap you.

You think about me all the time- whether you would admit it or not.
My name runs in your head,
leaves your mouth continually,
Until your mouth is dry.
Perhaps a drink, to soothe you?
repress memories of what you inflicted.
You are the victim, after all.
Your reality must align with the narrative.
Protect the narrative!

You wonder "what did I do to deserve this? I am a good mom!"
While I see the truth, as I always have.
The sickness living in you, the life you created,
shattered as quickly as it was built.

I think about you,
occasionally.
In pity, in hatred, and compassion.
But the war you remember, ended in 2011.
My fight died that year,
turning into exhaustion.
Yet you continue to rage on,
delusional.

Unaware that the battle you will ultimately lose,
is the one against yourself.
You will fall deeper,
while those you are worried hate you because of me,
are not thinking about you at all.
And neither am I.

Hi DZ, NarcKiddo and Kizzie,

Thank you for the welcome to OOTS, and for your insights.

NarcKiddo:

I have had a bit of luck with the casual friendships. I just have to remind myself that they don't need to know my whole life story upon meeting me. There is some residual panic in me from when I was a teenager that is so desperate to be heard and saved. Appreciate your encouragement and reminder of the importance of time when creating close friendships.

It can be such a challenge to discover likes and dislikes and who we are. I resonate a lot with this sentiment, and it is something I have encountered many times. It is an ongoing challenge, to know myself and know what feels right for me, rather than what was forced onto me.

DZ:

Thank you for your comments. I appreciate the reminder to work on my relationship with myself. I have had so many shifts over the years around my identity, that it is difficult to remember that is the goal. I find that I have neglected myself so many times in my life that it can be a challenge to see myself.

"you are the one that has lived through your life and experienced what you have so it's not for everyone else to understand but rather to respect" - another lesson that sometimes gets forgotten in the healing process.

I find I can move so confidently through these tough experiences and decisions at times. Then others I am so exhausted and lonely that I cannot remember all that I have learnt. But I am leaning into rest and patience, as my inner child tends to be very concerned.

Thanks for sharing,

I completely relate to this. I also stumble on those thoughts too. Of wanting to have another reason for the way that I am. Many people have hinted towards me being autistic throughout my life, but that was before they knew about the abuse. I very well could be, but I am not certain.

I often wish I could go back to high school, gather everyone I knew into the same room and walk through why I am the way I am (and was). I guess that is just the desire to be understood. I had been a bit of a compulsive liar in my youth, but it was only because there was no space for the truth at that time in my life, too much in jeopardy. I have a lot of guilt and grief around my youth.

Anyways, thank you for sharing.

Hi Dalloway,

Thank you for sharing. I resonate so deeply with your feelings of unfairness. Knowing we could have been so much more if x,y,z didn't happen to us, is so frustrating. I often wonder if I would be more patient, kinder, or more confident- if I was loved the way I was supposed to be. I always feel behind in life, but I also feel glad to know myself the way I do, but that is the me right now, and that changes day-by-day.I have three siblings, and I feel this sentiment towards them as well, some of them have been completely consumed by their pain, and it is hard to watch, as they had so much kindness and curiosity in them as children.

My therapist and I have also talked about building a new life from ruin in the form of a metaphorical house. Using the old rubble to create something new, but adding in "nails of friendship" to the foundation, or curtains of compassion. The house may still have the ruin, but it is slowly becoming something new. Even if there is still a pile of rubble, there is still potential for us to build something new with self-love and all our new experiences, among the mosaic of our suffering. The visual elements seem to help me, especially in being intentional with things.

I hope your journey continues to have small victories, as they are all steps to building your new home.

Hello everyone,

I have been diagnosed with cPTSD by my current therapist, and I am in the process of looking into my anxiety issues. My mental health has always been a challenge, with a lot of anxiety and panic, among many others. I have seen 4 therapists over the last 7 years, with large breaks, but my current one has been very helpful. I was extremely reluctant to seeking help initially, but I was completely dysregulated, an intense workaholic, and destructive in my relationships. My partner pushed me to get help during a serious run of agoraphobia.

I am 31, my childhood was really damaging and isolating. My stepdad was an abusive alcoholic, and he physically and verbally abused me from 4 to 17. My mom was absent due to her own unresolved issues. The damage my childhood has caused can be hard to navigate. I was the family scapegoat (family villain) my whole life (even today).

After my stepdad was gone, my younger sister continued the abuse and became our live-in aggressor, with a special hatred for me. She later became my younger sister and mom's abuser once I moved out.

My mother became a bigger issue from 17 onwards. She was extremely manipulative in my 20s. I was her mother more than she was mine; she was not able to navigate anything without me or she would lash out and make my life very hard. I have gone no-contact with many of my abusers to protect myself over the years. I only recently cut off my mom in 2023, and it is something my peers find very uncomfortable and hard to understand, which is fair. It has been the most painful experience of my life, with a lot of grief and anger throughout the last year or so.

My mom kept me in a constant state of submission and emotional flashback for nearly a decade, until my current therapist and the book "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving by Pete Walker" provided clarity, among other resources.

I am doing well in my healing, I am in a safe environment, with an understanding partner, a dog, relatively stable.

But the lows and anxiety have been very isolating, and very intense. I have recently moved very far away from where I spent most of my life, and it is really throwing me for a loop without my previous distractions (work, friends, etc.). I am finding I can't rely on my friends to understand, nor be there for me in the way I need. I spend a lot of time disassociating and hiding in my apartment. I am seeking community and connection with those that have experienced similar hardships, so I don't feel so alone and feel better about my place in the world.

My goal has been to reclaim my life and let go of the things that hold me down. Including fixing my family. Letting go is the hardest part of the journey for me.


Happy to be here and learn about others and myself.