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My doc thinks I have no ADHD but it is a trauma symptom. But I struggle.

I am exhausted because of the chronic stress. I find it hard to be organised. I am distracted by my thoughts about the issues with dad. Preoccupied with what to say to CPS-like people. How to make them see. Because of this my mind wanders during convos. And other tasks are harder.

This makes me do worse in life. And this be less likely to escape the situation.

One related problem: low iron.

How to overcome this?

I am sad. I forgave my dad everything. My anger and resentment was mostly gone. I stopped trying to make him see truth, or change him, or get him to cooperate with my goal of mothering kid. Or expect him to be honest. It is an utter waste of energy. Better focus on me and kid. And shield my vulnerable sides.

But I decided to stick to my own value of being kind and respectful.

Failed today. Kid would come to me, but plans changed and I visited kid at dads. Dad was on a day out. I just saw him when coming back.

I just. Hurt. All the dissociation is gone. And hope for change. Save a miracle of God. And it just hurts. I feel unseen. Nothing big. But just an overall lack of togetherness that I cannot explain. It is billions of small things. That I cannot possibly explain to others.

- Dad entering. Not greeting. Sitting behind his computer. Right away. No talks.
- Me asking how his day was, what present he got, him grumbling and avoiding. 
- Dad starting to tell kid all the things he did wrong. Kid started cleaning the kitchen and dad commented that he did not finish yet. Kid vacuumed the house. Dad did not compliment him, he is a kid voluntarily cleaning, but scolded him for not putting the vacuum machine in the right spot. Etc.
- I tried a conversation. Dad was grumpy. For example, I tried to show curiosity and asked him what he liked to do if he did not work (solitary computer work) or watch tv. I thought: I don't even know him. I asked in an interested way, not a sneer. He said in an angry way that he was too busy for other things. That his programming was his hobby. And that I didn't know him. Which I realised and is mutual. And was exactly what I tried to solve.
- I asked him if he ever looked into the photo book mum made for kid, with pics of the two. Suggested it may be important to kid. He sneered that kid had to study, because he needed to pass this year. That there was no time. I said other things were important too. He repeated he needed to study. (Not half an hour ever to think about his grandma he lost?). 
- I said kid looked like his dad on a certain pic. He angrily said he looked like my brother (his favourite). Not ex, not me. My brother. 
- He did nothing to start a conversation with me or kid.
- I then tried talking about my day. I told about church. And what they said (speaking good words, ironically). The nice songs.  He started to sneer about things important to me. Last time he made a shocking joke, basically saying a certain group of people I belong to all go to the eh...creepy dark place below that is censored here. He also started to insult complete groups of people. E.g. my friend goes to a small church. It is normal. Just small. My friend I love a lot. She is almost like a mother to me. He sneered it must be a cult, if it is a small church. That it is weird and people are strange to go there. It was the first church where kid felt actually nice, he made a friend there and played football. Then he started to insult other complete groups of people.
- He said he was NOT autistic. As a joke. I gently teased him that he was at least a bit stubborn. He proudly said he was, because he was always right. 
- I told a story about a certain therapist. He said he hated these kind of people. I had told nothing yet. All people of that profession he hated. He said.
- Kid mentioned a while back if he could go to Africa with granddad. Dad did not speak about it with me yet, but I knew what he was doing. Now I saw folders on the piano. I told that I would appreciate it, if he would discuss big things like that with me first. It's not a holiday to France, it's Africa. The other side of the world. Basically. He said kid and him needed to decide where to go first. That this was logical. Which it isn't. Obviously. I have full custody. I asked him to cooperate. He said he did. 

By that time I was done.

I raised my voice a slight bit and said he did not have a clue what cooperation even was. That he never cooperated. Because he didn't even understand the word. Turned. And walked out the door.

I called dad and tried to discuss things. He said (with kid listening) I acted so strange. That he had done nothing at all. And I got upset for no reason. And started to discuss how it was totally normal what he did. And that he'd push Africa through with CPS if I refused. He also twisted and turned things again. And pretended I was fantasizing.

My faith says: be kind, be kind. But how?!? This man is impossible.

I work with teens in midst puberty with very complex problems. I volunteer with people with psychiatric and addiction problems. I can cooperate with them. And this man. I cannot work with.

My suspicion is he is angry. I invited him to come join kid and I. We go on a short trip. After the bad joke, I told him I did not want to accuse him of anything. But I was worried about being triggered again. And rather waited for him to have sought help too. That I love him and would happily invite him after this. But for now I daren't. I called him up and said he was welcome if he wanted. But I just doubted because of what happened. I noticed he felt hurt and disappointed, but hid it beneath anger. Was I too hard? Maybe he feels rejected too? He went out with his brothers. He always gossips about me and tells twisted stories. Then they and my brothers give him stuff back that stimulates him to be harsher to me (because they haven't seen me for many years and base their complete opinion on his story line...which is always bullocks).

Thanks

This is horribly hard for me, so I will do it.

1. I have empathy and kindness for people, especially people who are cast out by others.
2. I never learned to reflect and express myself and actively change in childhood, and I started teaching it to myself. I radically changed many things,
   when I realised my life wasn't what I valued.
3. I went through horrible things, but persevered when things were really hard. I manage to find hope in small things.
4. I can be myself with people. I taught myself to show the real me. Rather than a mask.
5. I can be flexible and creative with practical troubles, like lack of money or a nearly missed airplane. I don't whine but just joyfully think of a different solution. 

1. I am working again for 3 days a week.
2. I spoke to a systems therapist who will advice CPS and I spoke up in a nuanced way. CPS said she had a good feeling. The systems therapist seemed to hear me, and understand certain dynamics. F.e. she said they see strength in the children who develop problems, because they are often the canary in the coalmine, exposing the broader family problems. Being the ones who notice, reflect and speak out. She also spoke up to CPS. CPS said they will take my son's opinion about where he wants to live. The systems therapist said she hoped CPS acknowledged that he had been with granddad for a while, and it wasn't always clear what was his own opinion and granddad's opinion (I had said there were alienating dynamics).
3. Kid and I laughed and joked and teased each other.