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And THAT is why they abused you in the first place. They never looked at you and saw another human being. They never saw you. Oh, they saw someone - a cliché, a two-dimensional figure straight from out of a cheap cartoon. They never had a real relationship with you. What they had instead was a series of triggers. Such-and-such an action on your part would trigger this-and-that abuse on their part. What you explained, what you asked, what you signalled them, that never even registered. If it did, it was quickly brushed aside.

Thank you for putting this into words for me. 

I am doing alright. I have a very loving husband who takes the time to make sure I get through the rough patches. Thankfully, this past week I've been in a good mood, most likely due to the warmer weather.

Struggling to think of my dad in a negative light, but I've got to, to fully understand why I'm so emotionally done in.

I connected with this so much. It is so, so challenging to stop using the excuse "But he's my Dad" to let him get away with things that no one else could. I want to believe he was saying everything to me out of love, because that's what fathers do. Accepting that this man did not respect his own daughter is almost impossible for me to wrap my head around. But I have to.

[Trust me...]

Young Daughter,

- "You ruined my second childhood by not being interested in skiing, hockey, or golf. Why are you so selfish?"
- "Here is the birthday present I got you... you do realize getting presents means you're spoiled rotten, right? You did nothing to deserve this."
- "If you made your bed more often your Mom wouldn't cry all the time. Why don't you care about her? You are the reason she hurts." (Mom was being abused at work, but I didn't know until many years later)
- "You are so lazy even I don't think you will ever get a job."
- "You are meant to be seen, not heard."
- "Was I talking to you? No? Then leave me alone."
- "I paid for your Halloween costume, so I get half of your candy."
- "New rule while Mom is away. If you are a bad daughter, you will not get supper."
- "You are too old to know what back pain feels like. Should I break your neck? Then you will know what pain feels like." (I found out in adulthood that I have acute scoliosis)
- "The reason adults have children is to make them slaves so we don't have to do chores anymore. Now go do the family's laundry."
- "Why didn't you put a pop in the fridge for me while I was at work? You knew I would want one and now I have to wait"
- "I have no idea why anyone wants to be your friend. Don't they hate your crying as much as I do?"
- "Stop asking to come along with me. Don't you realize I go on car rides to get away from you?"
- "I don't want to see you hanging out with people that are poor. Our family is above them." (I did not follow this 'advice')
- "Whenever you don't finish your food, you are telling people in Africa that you are fine with them starving."
- "I know you don't like talking to your own father, so I'll just tell Mom to tell you when you do something wrong."
- "Whenever you go to your friend's house for a sleepover, you stress out your mother. Why are you so selfish?"
- "When I was your age, life was much harder, and you didn't see me complaining about stupid things"
- "Don't you ever let me catch you napping again. You are too young to be tired."
- "We should not be paying you allowance, you should be paying us rent" (I was only 12 years of age)
- "I am the adult, you are the child. I am always right. You are too stupid to know what you want. Trust me..."

... So I did.

The mind can't decide where the body should go
So it twiddles the thumbs painfully slow
People pass through by the thousands each hour
A trigger is set, the subconscious devours
The most common of senses say their goodbyes
as the demon continues to spread its great lies
Irrational hysterics caused the infection
The infallible cure is His perfect affection
A glimpse of the truth makes the panic subside
leaves a smile on her face, wipes her eyelashes dry

Though I have suffered from Depression and CPTSD for many years, I have only recently looked to medication as an aid in my recovery. Cipralex was the first antidepressant of choice by my psychiatrist, but after a couple months it was evident that I was experiencing almost every side effect. I was quickly switched to Zoloft, but unfortunately the dose given was lower than the corresponding dose of Cipralex, and I experienced withdrawal symptoms my first day making the transition.

I experienced withdrawal for six days because the hospital did not recognize the dose conversion mistake and it was only corrected when I was able to see my psychiatrist again. I have had panic attacks in the past, but they are much more severe now because of the many psychosomatic symptoms added to the list. The professionals in my life seem uncomfortable on the topic of panic attacks because it is not a topic of expertise, so I am requesting your opinions.

Of my many panic attack symptoms, which should I consider possibly caused by side effects to Zoloft and which should I consider psychosomatic responses to trauma regarding past withdrawal?

- Extreme Fatigue
- Unable to focus eyes
- Extreme pressure felt above eyes
- Uncomfortably vivid dreams
- Tremors
- Increased heart rate
- Labored breathing
- Dry mouth
- Burning Gums (no one has been able to explain this one to me)
- Sweaty palms
- Loss of sensation in legs/arms
- Slurred speech
- Twitching of top lip

There has been talk that I may be too heavily medicated resulting in a dose decrease prescribed within a month. Because of my severe fear regarding medication withdrawal, I need help knowing what I should potentially expect to occur outside of a panic attack. I can't afford to call for another ambulance so I need to go through this feeling prepared and in control. Thank you in advance to anyone who shares words of support, understanding, or advice.

Mental illness is not something that is foreign to me. In junior high it was suggested by a teacher that I may be suffering from depression. Unfortunately reiterating this to my family proved to be a harmful decision. After many years convincing myself that my negativity was simply "a phase" I would get out of once I reached adulthood kept me from seeking medical attention. Not to mention my family dynamic presented the situation as one I decided for myself, that I was selfish for displaying weakness in a world where I was privileged.

Then the unthinkable happened. I became an adult and everything stayed the same. 

Once I moved out of my parents' home, I started to actively seek help from professionals and friends in an attempt to learn to live in the present, not the past. Less than a year ago I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression and C-PTSD, both fostered by my abusive childhood home (narcissistic father) and daycare. I now have the knowledge that these symptoms would have been recognizable my entire life, but that does not mean seeking medical attention after all this time is pointless.

I came across this site by chance. As friends slowly became exhausted by how long my recovery seemed to be going (developed PTSD in 2015, different from C-PTSD developed since childhood) from antidepressant withdrawal lasting 5 days, including ambulance/hospital treatment, at the fault of a psychiatrist prescribing me the wrong dosage when switching me to a new medication) and with my psychologist on a brief vacation, I joined a Facebook group that posted inspirational quotes regarding mental illness to hold me over. Today a link to this site popped up, and I was so intrigued at how C-PTSD was mentioned that I could hardly contain my relief when I discovered this forum's existence.

I am currently seeking treatment through medication, counseling, self-help books (on panic attacks, low self-esteem, and depression recognition/recovery), adult coloring books for stress relief, keeping a journal, and now joining this forum.

Thank you so much for providing a safe space for me to vent knowing that I will be understood rather than seen as a burden. It means as much to me as I am sure it means to all other users.