I have been working with this issue myself for many years in my marriage. I can only tell you about my own personal conclusions. I found that it is important to not feel ashamed about your fixation of what your partner is doing. This will make you feel worse. Let yourself obsess about this. You have been hurt in your life and for the moment your subconcious want to tell you something and the message is for you to find in your obsessions. Feel it fully, but do not act on it, try to look at what lays underneath it deeper in your emotions. I could not fight and supress my fantasies and suspicions so I allowed them, welcomed them and felt through them.
I talked with my husband many times about that I became scared when he did not tell me things about what he did or why he did it. We hade a huge problem here because he had also been abused as a child and his integrity had been violated so he did not think he needed to tell me anything ( in a very selfrightous way). But we had a common goal with our relationship and that was to be honest with eachother and to grow and develop through this honesty. We wanted to support eachother in healing. Still I can tell you that it has been a very hard journey.
I beleive very much in the intelligence of our soul - intuition. But I had a hard time to know what was intuition and what was fantasies due to my wounds. Well today I have the whole truth about my husbands where and abouts. He had been lying to me about where he was sometimes because he thought it would be to much hussle to tell me everytime his plans changed, for example.
Also in the beginning of our relationship he had engaged emotionally in other women and had had contact with them behind my back - but not sex.
I know that I could feel this during our first 2 years and of course this triggered my feelings of not being safe with him.
When I got to know the whole truth I asked for all his accounts to try to check where he had been and so on but I realized that this was not the way to go for me. He gave me acess to his email accuont, bank account and so on but in the end I understood that I could trust my intuition so I started to feel how it felt now to talk with him, did I feel like he was still lying to me? _ No I did not get any red flags.
So my intuition was telling me something about that he was not to trust completly, it was persistent in this (My intution) until he finally started to tell me the truth. And This was also something he had to start to do to heal himself.
There are so many things going on in a relationship, at so many levels. Many things needs to be worked out. There where a lot in his behavior that triggered my anxiety like his behaviour of avoidance. I think that there is always some truth in why you feel the way you do. I think it is about both of you - not only one of you. The tricky part is to find out what is truth in this complex mess that lies in a relationship. And how it is true - in what way.
I am working for the moment with a very good Jungian therapist about my defences that I created as a child, dream intepretations and so on and getting to a safer and more stable ground in myself. I am learning what to trust with myself. My husband is also in therapy and we work this through. But we are very comitted to this work and interested in it.
I understand your feelings that you just want to end the relationship to not have to suffer anymore, I felt the same many times. But ask yourself - why do you stay? Is it because that you can feel that healing would be possible for you in this relationship?
Maybe your intuition is both telling you that something is wrong and at the same time telling you that there is something valuble to experience in this relationship. You just have to find out and interprete it in the right way. Your journey is truly unique and only you can understand your own journey. Your relationship is unique and only you two can know what it is about.
I really feel with you and I feel with your pain. It takes a lot of courage to stay in the relationship when you get kidnapped by such feelings and suspicions. But I do beleive that they are there for a reason - healing will come.
I am sure that your partner would benefit from working with this togheter with you - there is something going on - but what is it and at what level? Can you come to agreements to work togheter? Do both of you want that? Do you have support and tools? I hope this gave you something and my story is very long so if you want to ask me something about this you are very welcome.
I talked with my husband many times about that I became scared when he did not tell me things about what he did or why he did it. We hade a huge problem here because he had also been abused as a child and his integrity had been violated so he did not think he needed to tell me anything ( in a very selfrightous way). But we had a common goal with our relationship and that was to be honest with eachother and to grow and develop through this honesty. We wanted to support eachother in healing. Still I can tell you that it has been a very hard journey.
I beleive very much in the intelligence of our soul - intuition. But I had a hard time to know what was intuition and what was fantasies due to my wounds. Well today I have the whole truth about my husbands where and abouts. He had been lying to me about where he was sometimes because he thought it would be to much hussle to tell me everytime his plans changed, for example.
Also in the beginning of our relationship he had engaged emotionally in other women and had had contact with them behind my back - but not sex.
I know that I could feel this during our first 2 years and of course this triggered my feelings of not being safe with him.
When I got to know the whole truth I asked for all his accounts to try to check where he had been and so on but I realized that this was not the way to go for me. He gave me acess to his email accuont, bank account and so on but in the end I understood that I could trust my intuition so I started to feel how it felt now to talk with him, did I feel like he was still lying to me? _ No I did not get any red flags.
So my intuition was telling me something about that he was not to trust completly, it was persistent in this (My intution) until he finally started to tell me the truth. And This was also something he had to start to do to heal himself.
There are so many things going on in a relationship, at so many levels. Many things needs to be worked out. There where a lot in his behavior that triggered my anxiety like his behaviour of avoidance. I think that there is always some truth in why you feel the way you do. I think it is about both of you - not only one of you. The tricky part is to find out what is truth in this complex mess that lies in a relationship. And how it is true - in what way.
I am working for the moment with a very good Jungian therapist about my defences that I created as a child, dream intepretations and so on and getting to a safer and more stable ground in myself. I am learning what to trust with myself. My husband is also in therapy and we work this through. But we are very comitted to this work and interested in it.
I understand your feelings that you just want to end the relationship to not have to suffer anymore, I felt the same many times. But ask yourself - why do you stay? Is it because that you can feel that healing would be possible for you in this relationship?
Maybe your intuition is both telling you that something is wrong and at the same time telling you that there is something valuble to experience in this relationship. You just have to find out and interprete it in the right way. Your journey is truly unique and only you can understand your own journey. Your relationship is unique and only you two can know what it is about.
I really feel with you and I feel with your pain. It takes a lot of courage to stay in the relationship when you get kidnapped by such feelings and suspicions. But I do beleive that they are there for a reason - healing will come.
I am sure that your partner would benefit from working with this togheter with you - there is something going on - but what is it and at what level? Can you come to agreements to work togheter? Do both of you want that? Do you have support and tools? I hope this gave you something and my story is very long so if you want to ask me something about this you are very welcome.