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Sounds familiar! Thanks for the encouragement and glad I'm not alone.

If you'd asked me last week if I dissociate or had "alters" I would have said "no way!"  But Saturday night a nightmare I remember quite vividly and regularly came back to me & I decided to try something I read about.  I won't go into details, but the nightmare involves watching myself as a child (highlight to read) being tortured to death in some sort of ritual with the entire extended family watching and participating. 

I asked myself what I thought of the kid and after each reaction, asked that "person" to step back.  After I was through, it's like I could see 9 of "us" in the room with that girl, each with extremely different reactions, different ways of interacting with the world, and carrying pain in different areas.  None of them knew the others existed.

I wrote the reactions down & recognized patterns throughout my life for things I've never been able to explain.  Like how I'd be going full bore toward a certain goal/direction and unexplainably do a 180 -- the very thing that was going to make my dreams come true is suddenly repulsize -- my thought processes surrounding this idea/goal/person change completely in an instant.  I talked to my mom about this and she confirmed that I do undergo drastic personality changes. 

It may explain why I have no idea what I like, what I dislike, what i want...   it changes all the time.  Funny thing, I created an account right before I discovered all this, made my first post, and was committed to getting better. 

After I found this out, I could feel myself switch & I convinced myself that there was nothing wrong, it's all in my head, & I just need to get over it. Lasted a few days but now I'm back.  For the most part.  I'm still not sure that it isn't all in my head. 

Does this sound like dissociation?  Or?

Thanks for the encouragement Jdog,

I'm looking forward to carving out more time to begin posting & work more on this.  I'm all too aware of the fits and spurts -- depending on "who" I am at the moment, I'll be active, passive, or extremely resistant to this work. 

I found my way here after reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.  I'm thankful to finally have a name for my struggles and am committed to healing though it's so easy to revert to my default tough-it-out-cowgirl-up-chin-up-mind-over-matter mode.  That's why I'm here. 

In a nutshell I've only recently been able to see the web of spiritual, emotional, social, verbal, and sometimes physical abuse I've been under for ~30 years (since I was born) including gaslighting & changing the vocabulary.  I've spent the last several months forgiving -- non-stop it seems. 

Found that whole parts of my brain just never developed.  Trust?  I trust people will do whatever it takes to make them feel better.  Kindness?  What's the angle?  What do I feel?  Nothing.  I don't/can't form attachments to people.  I don't typically inhabit my body. 

So I'm here, hoping it's not too late.

Thanks for listening,

4aCowgirl