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Hi, I posted on this website a few years ago when I was going through the breakdown on my family and you all were so supportive and helped me so much. I broke up with my fiancee just over four years ago and it was the best decision I've ever made! We have a civil relationship and he has the  two kids 5 nights a fortnight. He is a good dad I'll give him that, but the 8 years I was with him for did about as much psychological damage as the years of abuse from a range of different people. Its taken 9 years of therapy but I feel like I'm mostly on top of things.

But whats getting me now is loneliness, I knew Id be alone when I broke up with him and I thought it would be ok. For the first few years I didn't really feel it as much cause I was numbing everything with self harm and getting myself really smashed with drugs and alcohol the days I didn't have the kids. But now its taken over and its crippling. I don't have family in the state, and I dont have a good relationship with them anyway. The friends I had have completely gone down the drug and alcohol path and I dont speak to them anymore. I have a few closeish friends and one friend who is the most supportive friend anyone could ask for. But I dont have friends with kids for my kids to play with. So i have loneliness for my kids and for me to have like minded people that can relate to the struggles of raising kids.

But the one thing that seems the most unattainable and makes me the most depressed is finding someone to love me. The logistics of even being able to have time between being a single parent and working seems impossible in its self and then being able to trust that person around my children. But as much as I mostly feel on top of things the pressure and the things my ex used to say about me needing to be fixed and it was his entitlement to have sex when he was in a relationship and he would leave or cheat if we didnt have sex more and that would be my fault. I could go on with examples but the point is I cant unhear those things and as much as i try to look at it all rationally it will always be there in the back of my mind.

I dont know how to find someone that would be patient enough to see through all the crazy. Sex and everything else seems to be such a fundamental part of relationships. I have such problems with intimacy every time ive ever consensualy had sex hasn't really been a pleasant experience. I usually dissociate within the first few minutes or Id try to enjoy it and either let them finish or freakout halfway through and push them off. And the longer its been since Ive had sex to more it grows into this overwhelming thing. Ive told one person beside my good friend that the last time that I had sex was around when my youngest was conceived and shes five now. The way she looked at me was the way and said that we had to fix that immediately is how everyone seems to be- that there's something wrong with you if youre ok not having sex for that long.

I have been trying to use a vibrator to at least be able to tolerate being touched down there and to try to see the good in it that people seem so obsessed with. I mostly get the same result of dissociating, but the time of actually experiencing the sensation is slowly growing before i dissociate or before my thoughts go back to a dark place and i have to stop. And if i cant tolerate that how am i ever going to tolerate being with another person. And then to top it all off I feel like my trauma is right there on display because i have scars that cover both of my thighs theres no hiding it once i take my shorts off and that makes it all even more daunting cause its right there.

Please don't delete this post I know we aren't supposed to post anything about suicidal ideation and self harm and everything and I dont want to kill myself I swear! But I can't help but go to this place of thinking about doing all this * up * to myself just to feel something. I won't go into what those things are because this would definately get removed, but I really want to know what people do I  these situations and how they cope and why other people do these things too. I'm honestly not trying to get attention I just want to somehow connect with people with a similar life story then me and it's easier for me to hide behind a screen then to ever bring anything up with the people around me. And I just want to know how other people do it cause I'm finding it really hard not to just curl into the fetal position and never move.

I just wanted to ask how anyone left relationships they were in because they knew in their heart it wasn't right. I It would be easier if my partner was an *, but he is not he has his flaws and can say hurtful things when he is angry but all in all he is a decent guy and a good father to our kids. I feel sick when I think about this because I never do anything that's just for me and my well being its much easier to focus my love or what ever on my kids or the people around me. How can I be destroying my family to think about myself. But The problem is is he has aspergers, and how * up is that that I want him to love and understand me, but I'm ending it because of his psychological issues! But autism and complex ptsd will never be able to work he doesn't understand why I can get upset about certain things and why things are triggers. One of the way he deals with things is to talk at me for like a half a hour, I'm not allowed to say anything or he'd lose his * cause he'd lose his train of thought or if I needed a time out for a second and have a cigarette he'd follow me and just kinda stand over me, both of which I said were really big triggers for me, it took me a couple of years to build up the courage to say it because we were t getting anywhere while I was getting triggered off and just shutting off from the situation  completely. But telling him did nothing he didn't understand how something as simple as that could be a trigger and that he wouldn't change cause that was his nature. So they really * hurt but after a few months I started to realize that things really weren't ever going to change, I'll never get th feeling and compassion that I need from him. So I have just been behind hating life since I have made my decision  cause now it's the reality of putting it I to play. Figuring out who gets what and who will live where and I will get more custody of our kids because of work schedules, but I don't want to spend every few nights away from them, my kids saved me and I'm scared of myself when I'm by myself. And what if I have made a huge mistake what if I should have just settled with ok instead of chasing some stupid Fantasy of some loving guy that truely understands me and loves me regardless of how much my past has * up certain parts of me and not hate me for it and tell me that they are going to sleep with someone else if I don't change it. I'm am so scared about the thought of being one for ever but I'm absolutely terrified of opening my self up to another person, how can anybody ever love someone who can never experience love in a physical sense. Has any body found someone they trust completly and honestly healed from their past to the point that it doesn't interfere with that aspect of your lives anymore

Hey all, thank you for your replies, coming on here I never actually imagined that people would respond the way the have, I thought it was going to be how it always was that because it wasnt violent I must have brought it upon myself. And someone said that was denial (can't remember if it was this post or the last) but your totally right, it's easier to completely hate myself rather then feel what's underneath. My post was edited to remove details and that kinda made me think that maybe it was a bit worse then I thought it was. Yes I do have a therapist who I have been seeing on and off for four years now, I was actually her that suggested I try and find something like this to talk to people. She does schema therapy, which is like what you guys were discussing in the post that was attached. It's all about the different modes you slip into and my main one would be detached protector mode where I shut down from everything and don't feel anything, but that just shuts me off from the good things as well. I can attach the information sheet if you guys are interested. I haven't really gotten into a lot with her, most of our time together on symptom management and she didn't think I could handle it or was ready, and even though I hated her for it she was totally right. It's been over a year since I have coped using certain methods which I'm scared to post about cause that was removed from my post as well. But we are starting to get into it now and I can feel it derailing my mental health and wanting to go back to old habits, but I'm too scared to tell her cause I don't want it to stop or her to be disappointed with me. I know I talked about the partner I'm with now and I really am torn to what I should do, the more I say he is a lovely guy and defend the things he says the more I wonder if lovely guys really do say these things, but maybe it's just me, him and people from my past tell me I won't find anyone as good as them and ill be alone and miserable forever, maybe this as good as I can't get.  But I don't think ill get over that notion but I do know that deep down this relationship isn't working and I don't know how to get out, my kids are only really young and I don't want to be away from them and when he is t saying that he can prove that I'm mentally unstable cause I tried to kill myself like 6 years ago now and had to be taken to hospital, he wants 50 50 custody and that means I won't be there for half my children's life and that would be crushing, they saved me. But in the same note our issues aside he is a good dad and I wouldn't want to take his kids away from him I have seen first hand what that does to families. Again I'm sorry if this post is a bit all over the shop it's hard to focus my mind on this cause my natural reaction is to shut it down. Also I'm having trouble following the abbreviations is there like a list of them somewhere

Hey, so I posted on here last night and I just wanted to say thank you to the people that replied if you're reading this too, but one of you was totally right, by shutting off from bad feelings you shut off from good ones too and I didn't know how to respond to your kindness.

I don't know where to start and I think I had issues before anything used to happen, my dad is a lovely man but he has boundary issues, what he thinks is funny may be bordering on innappropriate, but never with bad intentions. My mum is a neurotic freak but this isn't about her. I could waste so much time on my mother issues.

The first abuse was from my cousin when I was around eight and he would have been around 13. We were playing a card game which turned into a form of strip poker or something, he told me I was losing and everytime I lost I had to take off a bit of clothes and when we both had none left he said the next part was to have sex and I just wanted to be liked so I did as I was told. The next time was a few years later and this went on for a few years. It was a brother and sister up the road (now that I'm older I realise they probably where abused cause kids don't do that normally, but I'm sorry I don't  care, I had things happen to me and I would never have touched another kid!) they used to make us watch porn videos and look at magazines and the reinact what we had seen. I have blocked alto of that period out so that's all I really remember.

The last one was when I was about 13 and it went on for a few years as well. This guy looked like your typical bikie and had done a drive by shooting and moved I interstate to hide, (he was my brother and sisters friend) I didn't know any of that until after, but even still there would be no way a person like that would ever be any where near my teenage daughter and my parents let him but they did and why they were upstairs he was downstairs with me getting me so drunk and so high that I'd agree to anything. I remember him telling me that no one liked me and no one would care about me as much as he would and as a result I secluded myself from my friends and all I had was him to keep feeding this notion. One night I wanted to go to someone's birthday party and he said no, so I was just going to go but be was waiting in the car park of my work and he caught me trying to sneak out the back, he took me home and screamed at me.

I have two kids to a man that just doesn't understand and makes me feel so bad for having trouble with sex and keeps telling me if I don't fix it he will leave and if it was the other way around he would have left cause it wasn't fair, he has absolutely no concept on how much this has messed with my ability to remotely function like a normal person. I can't handle getting made to feel like a failure of a woman for not enjoying intimacy and the way that every single person, media article, TV show or movie goes on about it I think something is fundamentally wrong with me as a person, shouldn't it be over, like what happened happened its not that bad and I could have stopped it, so why am I failing as an adult?

Hey, so I have never gone onto any thing like this before and I don't really know what I'm supposed to say about everything. It think that fact that I'm posting on this website it's obvious what kinda things are in my past. I know that a lot worse things have happened to other people and I brought most of it on myself so I shouldn't be complaining. There was multiple people that did something to me and by the time the last one came along I almost pretty much invited it and by 14 you're old enough to know better. Anyway that doesn't matter what i want to know is how people make relationships work as an adult because I'm pretty much at the point of giving up. I have two children to a person that makes me feel like * for not being able to put everything aside and to do what's normal for people. He has told me that he doesn't want to waste his youth with me if that's something I can't fix, and I find myself defending him and justifying his requests and hurtful statements. I'm sorry I'm this post doesn't read coherently if I go back and check it I won't send it, but please I just need to know how people function and love another person