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I'm finding that my want to see someone about my problems will be on hold for a while. I had read in a few posts and/or articles about group gatherings/therapy. Kinda like AA or something of the sort. I wondered if anyone has heard of this, goes to any, or would know how I would go about finding something like this. I'm hoping for something that's free to go, as money is really tight right now.
Any thoughts and suggestions would really help.
Thanks!

This spoke to me so much! That it was me in that poem. Started to cry because of the feelings that wanted to express themselve. Hurt and anger because this is me. Or relief and happiness because there's someone out there who understands! Thank you!

Now I just have to go and fix my make-up. 

During high school, poetry kinda happened to me. Meaning it would just be there in my head and I would write it down. For example, and this is the same one I will share here, in 10th grade we had to make a poem for english. We had 5 minutes to think of something and write it down. I had mine down in less than a minute. It just flowed through and out of me onto the paper. Because of this I now keep a notebook with me as often as possible incase inspiration happens. I have made a little book for the ones I think are the better ones and have shared it with a few over the years.

The Dream

Pushing his way into the light
Attempting to jump with all his might
Trying to find the way to go
He doesn't seem to really know
Oaisis and Visions hold him back
Running behind the powers he lack
Always reaching twords his goal
Hoping that nothing breaks his soul
Opening the door to his mind
Ever ahead of those behind

After a really bad moment; one in which I hadn't had in years to which I had never so openly (though in my car) expressed; and having just got off the phone with my mom, I wrote a letter per her suggestion. This is the second try at this letter I never gave to her. I have even changed her initial for safety purposes

T,
I'm writing you this letter because it's quite apparent that we can't communicate well with each other. Plus I can't seem to have a calm and normal converstation when high emotions are at hand. And mom thought it would be a good idea. Calm heads and all.
I will try my best to be informative and nice. I'm not trying to one-up on anything. I'm just hoping to be able to articulate how I feel and for you to be able to understand me and my side a little better.
Of course, as I sit here trying to re-write what I wrote, I wonder how similar our feelings are.
So, my feelings from the other night:
I am a failure. I cannot do anything right, all I know how to do is make stupid mistakes. No matter what I do, I am wrong.
I feel that you don't care. You hold me at arms length and don't want me around and wish that I would go.
I am not you. I will never do it the way you want. And I will always piss you off, because I will always do it differently than the way you want it done. But it will get done and end the same way as you would have done it. Though I do try to do it the way you want it done.
But when you nit-pick those littel aspects, or even sit there when I want to talk to you with your face in the phone, it hurts me. That to me says that you don't care. I don't deserve your time, respect or interest. That I am worthless and unwanted.
And I want change. I know that you will never believe me, but I do.
For the first time, I have hope. Because of your help, there is a light. An end to my financial torment.
And then you dismiss; in esscence state that I'm being stupid; my attempts at an explination for my self-sabotaging. And truthfully, I don't know why. What I do know is that when I turn around, I then see it. It's the main reason why I wanted to see a doctor. To find out why. To have an explination. So that I can finally look for the right kind of help and solutions. Stop before it starts.
But when you dismiss that, you dismiss me. And that says to me that my thoughts and feelings are stupid.
As I write this, I keep going back to the one sentence I wrote in my emotional letter. "Your Acts of Service views and ways of doing things confuse and exhaust me " (The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman)
And even with all the emotions tumbling all at once in me: hurt, anger, confusion, devistation, alone, lost, unwanted; I wonder how true that sentence is from you to me and with Quality Time as the aspect.
I do love you. Yet with how I feel, I don't know or understand what I did to make you hate me so.
I doubt that I could ever prove or show in a way you would ever understand my gratitude to you for your help.
And I'm going to @#&* up. I will make mistakes. Please let me. Guide me instead of lecturing me. Stop being angry at me when I do something wrong. At least on the little things. I need to know that it's ok, we can fix it. Because it feels like it's the end of the world with you. Like everything I touch seems to turn to $#@!. Why I feel like I can never do anything right, no matter how I try.
Gods, I'm probably repeating myself by now.
All I'm hoping from this is some understanding. A starting stone.
And I'm gonna bawl like a baby. I am now, but that's because I'm mostly devistated from the other night.
I know you appologized, but I'm still taking it very hard and personally.
Another reason why I need to see someone.
I love you very much. And giving this letter to you scares the * out of me very much. Because I would sit there, anxiety ridden to the point that I'll want to puke, waiting for the dissapointment, the corrections, the "You have no right", or the just plain wrong.
I just want to belong somewhere.
I just want to be wanted.

Ok, seriously need to stop.

Me

Please understand that I'm not stating that this is how it is.
Just how I feel.

Growing up one of my nicknames was Space cadet. This was because I would stare off into space and would need someone to grab my attention to get out of it. This was some what of a joke and annoyance with many of my family members. When I explained this to a therapist I was dealing with many years ago, this is what they said it was. But with reading what some of the descriptions are, I'm no longer sure. Of course I really don't experience these episodes anymore, and the last one I remember (of course the only one I remember) I was still in middle school. Dinner time and I "went away" in the middle of trying to take a bite of spaghetti. (odd the things we remember) And that's exactly what happened. I was gone. No thought, no awareness.
Is this one aspect of dissociation? Or something else?
I know this isn't a diagnosis, but having a possibility of what it could be is oddly.....calming. It's a starting point.

So with some self searching, research and with how life is currently, I have found this place. Much of what I have read leads me to believe that I am dealing with c-ptsd. I know, self-diagnosing and all, but I'm here for support with my feelings while I search for help. And my feelings have been overwhelming. I feel like I am overly sensitive to people and situations, more so than ever. Angry, upset, disappointed is all really angry to me. I am unable to hide my depression any longer and I keep fixating on my past. The troubles I dealt with in school and at home while growing up. Sometimes when I mention something that happened to me to others, I become really uncomfortable with their reaction to it. Recently I had someone call my father and sister a bully because of something that was so normal for me.
I even took my mothers suggestion on trying to write my sister a letter on how I was feeling, but was unable to give it to her because of the feeling of being wrong. That she would have to correct me because I was wrong and it was my fault. Add to this feeling stuck and unable to leave due to certain problems I'm trying to deal with.
That is my current feelings and situation.
(Even now I'm uncertain about posting this because I feel like I'm doing this wrong.)