I am new to this but here goes, seeing as this thread really pertains to me right now....
Diagnosed with PTSD 8 years ago from domestic violence, (10 years, 3 relationships, each worse than the last), kidnapping, childhood trauma and childhood sexual abuse. 9 treatment centers in 3 countries and only NOW and I being diagnosed with CPTSD. After being wrongly diagnosed and medicated for bi-bolar, then borderline personality disorder. 2 forced hospitalizations in mental facilities where my rights were taken away (shocked and appalled that America can do this so easily, being British, that would NEVER have happened there. WISH I could go back but I'd never be allowed to take my children. Hate feeling stuck here - really doesn't help with the no control piece)! Medicated since 13, tried every medication known to man and nothing was very effective. Nearly died 2 years ago from the seizures coming off it all, mostly the 8mg of Xanax which I was told I may never come off fully, (again, shocked and appalled America - I had no idea this was a near lethal dose, nor that I shouldn't have been on it for anywhere near as long as I was. We think we can trust medical professionals....guess again).
It is 2 years since I 'came out of the storm' thanks to a great therapist and SE (somatic experiencing-Peter Levine-changed my life), and am now also in an extremely healing relationship, after years of making myself be single and figuring out how to break my constantly repeating cycles. However it seems as if my body is only now letting loose the 10 years of abuse (including a broken back) on me now. In the last 18 months I have had pneumonia twice, mumps, mononucleosis, constant IBS and 3 kidney infections that needed hospitalization. I developed very bad allergies which I have never had before and was also diagnosed with fybromyalgia (a drug company made up disease in my opinion and through endless research, to give a name to chronic fatigue and somatic symptoms due to stress. I certainly don't need another label. As an aside I am deeply concerned with the mass overmedication and flippant overuse and over diagnosis of serious medical and mental illnesses I found in every 'therapeutic' environment in the America, which is why in the end I sought treatment in South Africa. The Meadows in Arizona had me on 9 medications at one point. I now take nothing but supplements as medical marijuana has done what hundreds of different medications couldn't, and is FAR less dangerous. I feel very angry at the clinics which suggested this is only an illegal and addictive drug. I have been an alcoholic as a coping mechanism and am aware that anything can be used as such, but demonizing of such a harmless substance that can't kill, whereas prescription drugs kill someone from misuse every 20 seconds in America, is just ridiculous to me, and prevents many people from getting better by instilling shame where there needn't be any. I know big pharma funds America and controls our government but seriously??!! I STRONGLY recommend seeking treatment outside of the USA). My medical bills are through the roof, especially as my insurance tried to drop me out of the blue leaving me holding $10,000 of medical bills, and no Dr, naturopath or therapist can give me real answers. I am almost at the point where I am completely non-functioning, which after everything I worked so hard to get through, seems a bit karmically unfair! As I write this it is my ninth week of being unable to work, exercise or do much of anything else as on top of it all I have developed mysterious allergic reactions which give me chronic hives over my whole body, and an intermittent fever of 102. Initially the reactions came and went over a period of 6 weeks, on for 3 days, off for 4, but now it is constant and only controlled by a combo of allegra, zantac and singulair that my new allergist put me on. I have been on 4 courses of antibiotics in 2 months and steroids for 7 weeks, all of which is I'm sure not helping my mood, especially the dreadful steroids, which I just tapered off. Blood and skin testing hasn't given an answer to the source of the allergy and now there's talk of it being purely stress related. I am facing an out of pocket $700 allergy test and really I've just had enough. I recently developed the second bout of pneumonia as my immune system was just so depleted that a cold my sons had turned into pneumonia in me.
My emotionally abusive and absent father died last year, after which I got the first bout of pneumonia (coincidence that in Eastern medicine grief is experienced in the lungs), and now my equally emotionally abusive half brother is suing my dead father in vengeance over the will and holding my whole family hostage over it. His behavior, and abusive way of interacting with me and the rest of my family is so reminiscent of my abusive partners that it incredibly frustratingly (as I seemed to have no control over it whatsoever), kicked me straight back into my PTSD as I had it at the time of my past abusive relationships. I now find myself slipping back into old behaviors that I have worked SO hard to move on from as they are nothing but self defeating, and this scares me. Is it possible that all these physical symptoms are my body's way of 'coming out of the numbness' for lack of a better way of putting it, after I have really worked my * off on the emotional piece? It has been suggested that my body wasn't 'allowed' to feel while I was dealing with so much situational stress/violence, and that only now is it 'waking up'. In which case, has anyone else experienced this and how long can I expect it to last? I can't take much more!
Other little aside, my son just turned 12, and the year of my greatest trauma(s) was 13. I have also heard from my therapist that parents with CPTSD will very often kick back into the emotional age of their greatest trauma starting the year before their child turns that age. When I turned 13 I lost my mother, was sexually assaulted for the first time and was then told "not to tell anyone it will ruin your reputation" and sent to British boarding school where I began to really unravel. Has anyone else heard of this? I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy until I talked with my therapist and she suggested this. I literally find myself acting like the most unmanageable teenager at times and seem to have very little control over my rage and fear, and it's damaging my relationships. I just don't know how much more I can take and of course no one around me except for my therapist has any real comprehension of what this feels like so I think I just appear a bit crazy and unreasonable. Help!
Diagnosed with PTSD 8 years ago from domestic violence, (10 years, 3 relationships, each worse than the last), kidnapping, childhood trauma and childhood sexual abuse. 9 treatment centers in 3 countries and only NOW and I being diagnosed with CPTSD. After being wrongly diagnosed and medicated for bi-bolar, then borderline personality disorder. 2 forced hospitalizations in mental facilities where my rights were taken away (shocked and appalled that America can do this so easily, being British, that would NEVER have happened there. WISH I could go back but I'd never be allowed to take my children. Hate feeling stuck here - really doesn't help with the no control piece)! Medicated since 13, tried every medication known to man and nothing was very effective. Nearly died 2 years ago from the seizures coming off it all, mostly the 8mg of Xanax which I was told I may never come off fully, (again, shocked and appalled America - I had no idea this was a near lethal dose, nor that I shouldn't have been on it for anywhere near as long as I was. We think we can trust medical professionals....guess again).
It is 2 years since I 'came out of the storm' thanks to a great therapist and SE (somatic experiencing-Peter Levine-changed my life), and am now also in an extremely healing relationship, after years of making myself be single and figuring out how to break my constantly repeating cycles. However it seems as if my body is only now letting loose the 10 years of abuse (including a broken back) on me now. In the last 18 months I have had pneumonia twice, mumps, mononucleosis, constant IBS and 3 kidney infections that needed hospitalization. I developed very bad allergies which I have never had before and was also diagnosed with fybromyalgia (a drug company made up disease in my opinion and through endless research, to give a name to chronic fatigue and somatic symptoms due to stress. I certainly don't need another label. As an aside I am deeply concerned with the mass overmedication and flippant overuse and over diagnosis of serious medical and mental illnesses I found in every 'therapeutic' environment in the America, which is why in the end I sought treatment in South Africa. The Meadows in Arizona had me on 9 medications at one point. I now take nothing but supplements as medical marijuana has done what hundreds of different medications couldn't, and is FAR less dangerous. I feel very angry at the clinics which suggested this is only an illegal and addictive drug. I have been an alcoholic as a coping mechanism and am aware that anything can be used as such, but demonizing of such a harmless substance that can't kill, whereas prescription drugs kill someone from misuse every 20 seconds in America, is just ridiculous to me, and prevents many people from getting better by instilling shame where there needn't be any. I know big pharma funds America and controls our government but seriously??!! I STRONGLY recommend seeking treatment outside of the USA). My medical bills are through the roof, especially as my insurance tried to drop me out of the blue leaving me holding $10,000 of medical bills, and no Dr, naturopath or therapist can give me real answers. I am almost at the point where I am completely non-functioning, which after everything I worked so hard to get through, seems a bit karmically unfair! As I write this it is my ninth week of being unable to work, exercise or do much of anything else as on top of it all I have developed mysterious allergic reactions which give me chronic hives over my whole body, and an intermittent fever of 102. Initially the reactions came and went over a period of 6 weeks, on for 3 days, off for 4, but now it is constant and only controlled by a combo of allegra, zantac and singulair that my new allergist put me on. I have been on 4 courses of antibiotics in 2 months and steroids for 7 weeks, all of which is I'm sure not helping my mood, especially the dreadful steroids, which I just tapered off. Blood and skin testing hasn't given an answer to the source of the allergy and now there's talk of it being purely stress related. I am facing an out of pocket $700 allergy test and really I've just had enough. I recently developed the second bout of pneumonia as my immune system was just so depleted that a cold my sons had turned into pneumonia in me.
My emotionally abusive and absent father died last year, after which I got the first bout of pneumonia (coincidence that in Eastern medicine grief is experienced in the lungs), and now my equally emotionally abusive half brother is suing my dead father in vengeance over the will and holding my whole family hostage over it. His behavior, and abusive way of interacting with me and the rest of my family is so reminiscent of my abusive partners that it incredibly frustratingly (as I seemed to have no control over it whatsoever), kicked me straight back into my PTSD as I had it at the time of my past abusive relationships. I now find myself slipping back into old behaviors that I have worked SO hard to move on from as they are nothing but self defeating, and this scares me. Is it possible that all these physical symptoms are my body's way of 'coming out of the numbness' for lack of a better way of putting it, after I have really worked my * off on the emotional piece? It has been suggested that my body wasn't 'allowed' to feel while I was dealing with so much situational stress/violence, and that only now is it 'waking up'. In which case, has anyone else experienced this and how long can I expect it to last? I can't take much more!
Other little aside, my son just turned 12, and the year of my greatest trauma(s) was 13. I have also heard from my therapist that parents with CPTSD will very often kick back into the emotional age of their greatest trauma starting the year before their child turns that age. When I turned 13 I lost my mother, was sexually assaulted for the first time and was then told "not to tell anyone it will ruin your reputation" and sent to British boarding school where I began to really unravel. Has anyone else heard of this? I was beginning to feel like I was going crazy until I talked with my therapist and she suggested this. I literally find myself acting like the most unmanageable teenager at times and seem to have very little control over my rage and fear, and it's damaging my relationships. I just don't know how much more I can take and of course no one around me except for my therapist has any real comprehension of what this feels like so I think I just appear a bit crazy and unreasonable. Help!