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Sooo,  I was not finished.  I interrupted.

Yes,  I have been to therapy. I even have attended self help groups.  But PTSD is something I recognized in myself. Reliving the past, over   and over and over.  Living in fear of the impending doom.  Always waiting for IT to happen.  I have recognized these feelings and how I act behind them.  It has cost me dearly.  It is almost like creating your own destiny,  just not in a positive sense. 

I do know that head knowledge is not enough.  Knowing does not take the fear away.  I have consciously tried to redirect my thinking, but most of the time,  it returns.  Triggers at work are rampant.  I have managed to keep my judgmental side in check at work.  Knowing that we are all dealing with our own stuff, helps.  I find that when I look for others character defects in order to justify a negative reaction to a situation,  it just makes matters worse.  Most people are not thinking about me.

As many of you may know,  it is difficult to explain such complex disfunctional work environment and one who over thinks it in few words.  I came upon this site looking for solutions, but I must say,  I probably already know it. 

I have been a RN for 18 years.  I love working with my patients.  My difficulties lye in my perception of myself, perception of my piers about me, and reality.   In the nursing profession,  we kinda like,  keep each other in check. 

I come from a nice family, but like many of us out their,  it was dysfunctional.  My mom was an obsessive alcoholic.  She obsessed with the wrongs of war, environment, and justice in politics.  All these things are good, but as a child,  I heard it all the time.  I spent much time alone.  My father was gone much and angry when present.  My mom had the flu alot. 

Most of my life I have felt different.  I have never been in the club,  so to speak.  I try,  mind you,  but I never get it.  As I get older,  I care less and less.  Why do I think,  I am PTSD?    I worked at a hospital on a floor with the sick of the sick for 12 years.  I should have left way before I did.  The management model was "Shared governance."  The atmosphere at this hospital was toxic, abusive, and dysfunctional too.  I came to realize that I might have PTSD,  after surviving a near death experience in the ER of this hospital.  I almost died where I worked.  I started to relive the experience everyday at work.  This is a story in itself.  I felt like I was going crazy at work.  I sought help and was diagnosed with bipolar.  I was actually happy about it.  THAT was the answer!  This quack psychiatrist put me on a cocktail of meds.  For two years,  I became mentally sicker and physically sicker too.  I had side effects from the meds that made me suseptible to infection, on and on.  Years later,  after going on disability, getting deathly sick again,  and leaving this employer, I was reading about PTSD.  You know,  war vets and all.  I thought,  this sounds like me.   

I have never been diagnosed with PTSD,  but I am fairly certain, I have it.