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I think that sometimes just the thought of doing something, especially if it is something new, is so overwhelming, that making that choice to cancel has the effect of reducing stress. I find myself that if I am supposed to do something that I am not overly excited about, canceling it is empowering. It's an interesting thought, I've never really thought about it before.

I witnessed the attempted murder of my mother by my father when I was 10 years old. It wasn't the first or last memory, but it was one of the most extreme memories I have.

Welcome to both of you. I come here pretty sporadically and actually delete more posts than I submit. There are a lot of very helpful people on here! You're in good company!

I'm have also self-diagnosed myself as C-PTSD, but also the garden variety PTSD from some more recent events. So yes, you absolutely do belong. I have struggled with most of the symptoms of C-PTSD all of my life.  I'm not going to go into too much detail right now because I just got up (late) and am still working on my first cup of coffee and have brain fog.

So welcome! There are so many great resources on this site as well as a lot of really great people that are ready to chime in to help out! I don't find myself to be as helpful to others as other members are, probably because I'm still trying to find a starting point to recovery, but I can relate to what you are saying. You are not alone.

After escaping my abusive home life, followed by a six month abusive relationship, followed by several months of "off the chart" self destructive behaviors, I entered the US Air Force in 1981 for a decade long stint of service. I also experienced abuse in while in the Air Force, primarily in my first couple years. By the time I got out and went to college, I really had a pretty good handle on my life, or at least I thought I did. The hyper-alertness, hyper-vigilance, not trusting anyone, anxiety, social anxiety were there, but I had pretty much settled down and was managing everything pretty good.

A couple years after graduating from college I bought land from  my parents and this became my home (this was in 1996) , where I still live today.  In the last 10 months plus since my daughter's first suicide attempt which led to me experiencing uncontrolled C-PTSD symptoms, I've been thinking about my decision to move here. My home is 100 yards from the farm house I grew up in, the home where I was severely verbally abused, physically abused, and witnessed severe abuse of my mother (including her attempted murder at my father's hands), and brothers and sisters. I live just 200 yards away from the man that sexually abused me when I was 10, and just a half mile from the "best friend", who sat by and did nothing when her older brother repeatedly sexually abused me at age 15 and 16, and who, without my knowledge, asked her cousin, who was 6 years older than me (I was 16) to try to have sex with me. I realized after I fought off his aggressive advances when I over heard her asking him if he was "able to" go "all the way" with me. She was disappointed when he said no.  And, when I look out my living room window, over into the woods behind my house, just 100 yards away, I can see the "spot", the "place", where it happened. Where at 10 years old, the then 15 year old who now lives 200 yards up the road from me, attacked me in the woods in a physical contact sexual assault. 

I love where I live, and for years I never even thought about this. I never thought about the fact that for some reason, I purposely moved back to the area where I experienced so much abuse. Why did I do it? Would things have been different for me if I had never build my home here? So many questions, so few answers. Rough morning this morning.

I'm not sure if she does or not. Probably by the time I get a chance to get back to see her the initial $3500 will be met anyway and then I only pay 20%. I'm tend to procrastinate about these things too. I hate it when I have a lot of personal things that have to be handled. I get totally overwhelmed and that leads to me getting nothing done sometimes.

I got thinking more about this yesterday. This was more of a PTSD reaction to a specific traumatic event, my daughter being taken away in the ambulance. I've had other more PTSD type reactions to her attempt(s). These traumatic events really were the triggers that made my C-PTSD from childhood/teenage/young adult trauma become out of control and hard to handle.

My two sisters both have anxiety issues. They used to always say -- you seem so calm, don't you ever get anxious? And I always said yes, but I'm good at hiding it. I'm no longer good at hiding it. It's always been there.

Thanks for the response Spirals. I can actually turn dissociation off too, when I have to. Unfortunately, while it used to help me relieve stress by "turning it off", it no longer works. I have less control of it now. It sometimes turns on by itself now and it no longer helps relieve the stress. It actually turns into an anxiety attack/Emotional Flashback  now. I can still pull myself out of it when I have to. It was really bad in December, then things started settling down a bit. The stress at work right now is causing worsening anxiety and flashbacks though, so I decided to try alcohol. I have no desire to get drunk, I just want to take the edge off. I actually feel guilty about it.

Yes -- I totally understand where you are coming from with the alcohol addiction. Back in the days when I did a lot of drinking I was concerned that I might be becoming an alcoholic, but when I decided it was time to quit I had no problem doing it. I am going to watch that though. That's the last thing I need right now.

My biggest concern about counseling is making sure who I am working with is familiar with C-PTSD. Hopefully, I can either verify the my current therapist (who I can't afford to go to right now), can fill that spot, or find someone who can.

Hugs back to you!

An interesting topic with a lot of interesting input.

I've used a combination of disassociation(?), pot and alcohol throughout my life as a coping mechanism. Disassociation as a child, pot and alcohol as a teen, alcohol only as a young adult and throughout my time in the military, and then once I suspected I was pregnant with my daughter (she's 18 now) I stopped drinking and started using disassociation (can you call it disassociation when you can "call it up" and make it happen?). In the past 19 years (up until 2 weeks ago), I've probably had 12 beer/wine/wine coolers total. I just basically had no interest in it. Disassociation(?) worked for me up until my daughter's suicide attempts.

Due to recent increased stress at work and stress related to my daughters struggles (emotional, financial, worry, ect) I have started drinking on the weekend. I'm not drinking a lot; just 3 wine coolers last weekend, one last night, and I plan on drinking more tonight. It seems to take the edge off and I'm going to just go with it until I can afford to go back to my counselor again. My daughter's medical expenses are running about $1500 a month and my insurance doesn't pay anything until I've paid out $3500 so I want to make sure I can cover her expenses first. It won't take long to hit the $3500 mark. Once I can get back into counseling I might stop, or as long as I don't do anything stupid, there's nothing wrong with having a couple drinks on the weekend. It's just very different for me.

Yesterday, for the second time in the last couple months, I experienced a flashback when seeing an ambulance with lights on. I was on the way home and had to move over for an ambulance to go by me. I immediately flashed to the night of my daughters 2nd suicide attempt in Oct 2016 when watching the ambulance pull away from our home with my daughter with lights and sirens on. I immediately got very tense, emotional, tears running down my face, very hyper alert. The rest of the way home I had to force myself not to drive too fast, too pay attention to the road. I probably should have just pulled over, but I had to get home to take my daughter for bloodwork and had limited time.

Does it ever end? Is this going to happen to me every time I see an ambulance for the rest of my life? Other things that cause me flashbacks I've been pretty good at avoiding, and luckily I live in a pretty rural area so I don't see ambulances that often. Does it ever wear off?

Yes it can be very challenging, and I'm trying. Thanks!

I have found some help here. Lot's of resources, validation that what I have been going through is real and that I'm not overacting. I still constantly find myself saying, "It wasn't that bad", when in fact I know it was that bad. I have to constantly remind myself that, yes, my experiences were traumatic. 40 plus years of denial and minimizing my childhood is a hard habit to break.

I currently do not have a friend group. I have two external family groups, both of which I feel like an outsider in (less so with my husbands family than my own) and my work group, where I feel disconnected for the most part, although I do think I am respected by my co-workers and bosses, they understand that I prefer privacy and give me space, and I am part of the team. The closest relationship I have is one co-worker, but it is a work only relationship. I also have my family, my husband and daughter and we all have mental health issues. It is my daughter's issues that really brought my C-PTSD to the surface.

Friendship is tough for me. I know it is part of the disorder, not trusting, but many  of the friends I have had in the past back stabbed me to some extent, and worse (and potentially triggering so I'm going to avoid specifics). I find it hard to trust anyone. I also feel very numb from a combination of my past and the challenges we are facing now with our daughter. I have found that it is more difficult than usual for me to express myself, and I am concerned at times that inability will make me come off as uncaring or cold. That concern keeps me from posting more here.

Again -- welcome -- I think you will find what you are looking for here. I might too eventually, if my disorder (I) allows it.

I'm hoping to learn how to feel like a part of a group..... I have never really been able to do that before now.

This really hits home with me. Despite being in groups at different periods of my life, I've never really felt like I was really part of a group. The third (or fifth) wheel. I always feel like I'm the odd one, the one at the edge of the group that could drift away and no one would notice. And, honestly, especially with friend groups, that has often happened.  I even feel a little like that here, but not as much and it's not because the group here hasn't been great, it's my hesitation to really join in. There are some  really great people here that give great advice and empathize with what you have experienced.

Welcome to the group!

Usually, it goes better if I set certain things aside for later rather than forcing myself to do it all at once.

I have to do this too. I used to just keep a mental list, but have found that over the last several months that I tend to forget important things when I do that, so I think I need to  actually start writing these things down.

Not that you'd have a breakdown or anything. That's just something I tend to do, lol.

Actually, I do tend to do that, and recently just did. The stress of my daughter's struggles, and constant ef's from my childhood became too much, but I think I am in a better place now. The ef's aren't coming as often now and I am better able to handle what is going on with my daughter and work too. I know that it's temporary, but I'm in an ok place right now and I am relieved about that since now I can decide on next steps while I'm doing better rather than out of desperation.

I think it's very common to doubt that what you experienced was bad enough. I find myself trying to convince myself that it "wasn't that bad" in order to convince myself that I really don't need to get back onto my past with my therapist. I feel strange posting sometimes because I feel like I don't quite fit in and I have deleted more posts than I have submitted because of that.

I highly encourage you to try a different therapist. There are very good therapists out there that do wonderful work. If there is a local Mental Health Association in your area, try them. They are often community based organizations that are low fee or free and have some really great people working there that can help you find the right therapist to work with and have some really great programs themselves. (We have a great one in my area).

In the meantime, there are a lot of resources available from this site. Look through everything, ask questions here and please do not give up.  Continue to post, your posts are just fine. Let your voice be heard.

DamascusRising157. I can relate to your story. I have always felt like I handled my anxiety well, and it hasn't been until the last year when my daughter started having mental health issues that I realized what has been there all along.  I've always had the memories of the abuse (I also witnessed my father's attempted murder of my mother when I was 10 years old) that I witnessed and experienced (or at least some of it), but was able to push it aside and was able to harness my anxiety to really build a fairly successful life. Now I cannot push it aside and I experience EF's on a daily basis. My father, the best I can guess, was BPD and NPD at a severe level. 

Three Roses. This part of you comment struck home.

I've been surprised to learn that although PTSD & CPTSD are recognized in the latest DSM, the treatment for them is no different (at least, not at my HMO). I had to explain to my therapist that "complex" doesn't mean complicated, but that there is more than one traumatic event.

I've done a lot of reading on the differences between PTSD & CPTSD and differences in treatment. I think it is important to find a therapist that knows what C-PTSD is and how to treat it. I'm not sure I'm going to find that in my area.

Thank you Spirals! At this point in time we are still trying to find meds that will work for her. She appears to be resistant to the newer anti-depressants so now she is on two of the older ones Nefazadone  & Desipramine as well as Epitol for mood stabilization. So far it doesn't seem to be working, but she's only been on the dose her psychiatrist wants her on for a few days after increasing the dose slowly over 12 days.

It does tend to wear you down and yes, I do need to start taking better care of myself. As soon as I get through the first couple months of the year and know that I have enough money in my HSA to cover all of my daughter's bills, then I will get back to therapy.