Messages

Thank you so much.

My last session was really hard work, lots of ugly-crying and left me feeling in no doubt it wasn't a magic cure and I still had to do the work (I kinda hoped the brain did it all behind the scenes - turns out I've got to unlearn behaviours too!)

Some hideous dream images followed......but, as long as I go at a pace that's compassionate but not complacent ....I think I'm making progress.

Thank you so much for the support!
Jx

So far so good, some interesting insights and odd dreams and memories cropping up that are all connected. Genuine new perspective and deeper understanding and appreciation of not just THAT the damage happened but HOW it happened.
I've had so much talking therapy but this really feels as though it's shifting things about in my brain in a good, and long overdue, way.

......long ways to go, but I'm hopeful
Thanks

Thank you Kizzie!
I think I have a very good therapist; only three sessions in but I have faith it will ease my symptoms.

My mother physically abused me as a baby and as an infant (early 1960's)
My parent's marriage, following her pregnancy, was strained and very unhappy. My mother explained to me (in my thirties) that she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep

Several years ago I tackled her on this shortly before she died. I asked her why she'd hit me and she said, 'it seemed to work.'

She said (by way of compensation) that I didn't go without my cuddles; she used to hold me, once she'd hit me, 'until I went limp'.

Cut to 58 years later and I can't find the root cause for my ptsd, which is triggered by noise. Until this morning, when I had my third session of EDMR.

I realised that my terror of noise was because it was the pre-cursor to getting hit, or the sound of actually being hit. After I was hit I was restrained, trapped, held, smothered, until I stopped struggling. I learnt I could not avoid hurt and that only surrender worked

The psychological damage she did was appalling.

She remained a child for the rest of her life. I was her parent right up until she died.

Kizzie, another thing happened. I suddenly, out of nowhere, got the strongest impression that my late father was desperately sorry. I kept hearing the same thought over and over again...... he's so, so, so, so sorry; he doesn't want you to be like this, he really doesn't! He doesn't want you to have to be like this. He's so, so sorry'. Tears started rolling and my biggest wish at that moment was to hug my dad and tell him that I loved him.

It totally freaked me because it was so strong and unexpected it seemed like a message from 'beyond' - although I'd raise an eyebrow if anyone else claimed that.

Probably a bolt from my unconscious giving me the message I need. Certainly ever since if I feel on the verge of triggering I remind myself that My once all powerful dad doesn't want me to feel like this and he's sorry.

Thanks Three Roses

I guess I am confusing absence of tension with absence of feeling - particularly feelings of shame and anxiety.

As Kizzie says, it's sad that, after so long,  we can't tell the difference.

Anyhow, I remember the first time I had hypnotherapy - I'd never achieved that level of relaxation and couldn't believe it actually existed. I think this is a similar thing. The 'inner critic' took a couple of days off and I had nothing in my head. It's not disassociation, it's relaxation!

After many years of hard work my life might finally be getting to a good place......which is a good thing, but it feels as if my body has totally collapsed. I am experiencing the loss of tension; the easing up of anxiety, the acceptance past traumas as a total body collapse. It feels almost luxurious, to waste time numbing out over how relaxed I feel. I am very, very tired and move around like a zombie but there is little medically wrong with me.
I just feel as though I'm experiencing absence of tension for the first time and there's nothing else  holding me up....almost exactly like the joke about how nice it feels when you stop hitting your head on a brick wall.
Has anyone else felt this? Am I somehow disassociating? Am I connecting with how lovely and heavy my body feels instead of fighting it?

Weird. If I were a ship I'd be becalmed.....

My number one trigger is noise outside the home - particularly loud, thumping, aggressive noise. Latterly this has over spilled into sunny weather, too.....which to my addled thinking increases the likelihood of noise - sunny weather also adds to the teenage shame of hiding indoors because you think you're too fat for the beach.

Happy to say I had a huge insight recently which opened up the memory of my noise phobia. My shame is easing too - about bloody time.

It helped me!
That's exactly my experience. It's like having a random set of stills from a movie but no plot and no moving images. You know they're all connected but until you have a narrative you've no way of linking the images. I've rehearsed so many versions of a similar story but I'm confident I've now got down to the root cause of my phobia. All the stills from the movie now link up and tell a story that makes sense - until it made sense I had no idea why reacted so strongly to my trigger.

Thank you! It's slow work!
I've also just realised my compulsive habits and my dissociative traits. I had a stressy day yesterday and today I'm deliberately letting myself self-soothe by just zoning out. No pressure, no shame, no guilt, no shoulds and oughts. It actually feels luxurious not having that overbearing voice in my head.

Hi there,
I haven't posted for a while but I've being constantly trying  (like all of us) to manage fear, anxiety, memory and recovery. Noise is my chief trigger, and fear of triggering controls my life.

Last night I watched Jaws and thoroughly enjoyed it. I went to bed unrelaxed and on the alert. The noise of the traffic outside frightened me, it sounded aggressive. And then all of a sudden I was back in bed as a child, terrified of my father's anger.

I saw it, clear as day - the connection, long obscured, between my fear of noise and my father's anger. Everything finally fell into place.

I've circled the same problem for years and years but the final insight never came - until last night, when I saw myself in bed, in my bedroom, terrified of my father's anger. THIS is why I'm afraid, this is why it happened, this is how it happens. These are real and true memories and I've made the connections and come up with a reason that FITS TOGETHER.

I know I'll still trigger but I have the final piece of the puzzle and that is a great comfort, and a great achievement

Thank you,
Well, at least I know now!
I found a picture of me at two and I'm doing some art work based on it. The first thing I did was change her from black and white into a beautiful gentle pink!
Jx

Thank you!

The first time I've ever felt love and compassion for myself is now. I picture myself as a two year old and want to hold her and give her love.
I didn't have children but I want love love that little girl.

I've finally pieced together troubling memories by getting my mother to talk about the time when she was ill. She told me she had to hit me to make me cry so that I'd go to sleep.
I was two years old, she used to bash my head. I remember blood once.
I asked her about why she hit me and she said 'it seemed to work'
She used to hit me. I would cry then she cuddled me until, in her words, 'You went limp'.

I can't think of anything more likely to crush a mother-daughter bond than to be hit and then held until you give up struggling.

It might account for the strong feelings of emotional suffocation I've always felt around my mother.