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Hello Pam, I hope my note doesn't in any way trigger you. I want to make two points that you might find helpful. Perhaps you are not as alone as you think you are as far as not having your mother there to teach you to bake, etc. My mother was a paranoid schizophrenic and didn't teach me anything either. I started first grade without knowing how to read, write or 'rithmetic.  Try not to feel so all alone in this hon.... I don't know if you wi,l find this helpful.
The other thing is about your  dad. First you were (rightfully) angry about his criticism, then wondered if he's actually a nice guy. Boy can I relate. My mother was the most caring person I had in my life, and gave me my good sense of humor, but when she was in a psychotic state her eyes would literally turn black and the insane center accusations started (apparently I was out having sex in high school, when actually I am a lesbian, big serious  lesbian who turned 57 today. She also was handy with knives, and I'll leave it at that. So when I tried to figure out how I felt about her, it was a big lie.  Did I hate her? Well yes, she was violent and scary.  But I loved her too. So did that mean I loved her? Well yes, but that knife thing .... I realized I felt both emotions almost equally, and stopped torturing myself by thinking it had to be one or the other.  I think this helped me.
Thank you for reading this, and I wish you the absolute best. I am just beginning this journey and feel so broken inside, but Jesus learning about c-ptsd means I finally know where my emotional issues come from.

Yes Cyndilwho, it is emotionally devastating to thinki the other person might enjoy murdering me -- the pain related to this internal acknowledgement is incredible.  It can takes three or four days to start to feel better, but the feeling sometimes takes weeks to stop.  I'm sorry you go through it too, but am selfishly glad I'm not the only one, or a complete "freak".

By the way, my inner critic is a complete a$$hat.

Thank you all for responding, I really appreciate it.   For me the hardest part of this has been from having feelings like rage, blame, sadness and worthless just come on me like a tidal wave.  To understand that the feelings come from PAST trauma is incredibly reassuring to me.  I don't mind doing the hard work in front of me or having these feelings recur.  To me, knowing that there is a reason for them will help calm me down and use a little logic instead of reacting so strongly. 

Omg this suddenly makes sense (hating myself when someone has deeply hurt me). Not only do I hate myself, I have fantasies of them killing me with me handing them the weapon as a gift, like here you you go, kill me, I'm sure you'll enjoy it. Well my mother tried to kill me once while in psychosis.
Omg again, this should be obvious to me.
Now how do I turn it off?

Thank you, I appreciate you reaching out to me.  Kindness almost makes me cry with gratitude (another thing that's messed up) -- I am going to be 57 tomorrow, and I truly believe I have stumbled upon the reason I've been this way.  Lots of research ahead.

I just don't understand this.  When someone who is close to me, or who I trust with my heart betrays me or hurts my feelings carelessly, I go off on a mental tangent where I hate myself, or have a fantasy about going to the person, handing them a knife, and saying "go ahead, kill me, that will make you happy".

I know how unhealthy this is!  I grew up with a paranoid schitzophrenic mother who was incredibly loving, then could turn incredibly hateful by the next day.  In my adult life (42-52)  I was in a 10 year relationship with someone who became emotionally abusive during the last 1-2 years (put friends before me, publicly humiliated me a few times, made it clear I was not important).  I think she wanted the relationship to end, and thought by treating me like crap I'd leave.  I eventually did, but I took the abuse for two years.  That's why I think I have Complex PTSD.  I just wondered if this particular feeling is related?  This feeling eventually goes away, but it's almost ALWAYS my go-to reaction and it's so harmful to my soul!

This is my first time here.  I'd appreciate any insight into this if you have any.