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I started reading "Breaking free from Emotional Eating" by Geneen Roth, which was recommended by Pete Walker.  It's a good book.  I don't know if it's been helpful so far for losing weight (haven't finished it, keep getting triggered and am having a really rough time life-wise so I don't have too much energy to spend on that right now), but it is helpful for feeling a bit better about my relationship with food, at least.  I haven't been feeling the need to hoard food as much, and I'm not thinking about food 24/7.  Still think about it a lot, and get cravings, and binge, but it's a process. 

One of the things she recommends, putting away all distractions while you're eating - not watching anything, or reading anything, or anything like that, is really difficult for me.  I find myself kinda anxious about it.  About...I'm not sure what.  Being bored? Not doing anything? Thinking about what I'm eating?  In any case, that's the part I'm struggling with most right now.

I've occasionally wondered if I have misophonia, I hate so many types of noises.  Yelling, loud noises (such as slamming doors, dropping items, etc), crowd noise if it's loud enough, and noises like fire alarms and sirens all are triggers for panic attacks for me.  Other types of noise, like a coworker slurping coffee in the cube next to me, or talking too loudly on their phone, just causes an irrational level of hatred (I have literally fantasized about strangling them with their phone cord for talking above 70dB on the phone, and yes, I did check how loud it was to see if I was crazy).  The sound of skin running across fabric (my dad used to stroke his feet while they were in socks, as a good example) is like nails on a chalkboard - it makes my teeth set and my body tense and just my entire brain go haywire.

As for concerts (which are wayyy too loud, seriously!), I've bought musicians earplugs, which are designed for the musicians who are playing on stage.  They reduce the overall noise, while not distorting the sound, so you can still listen to the concert.  It's helped me go to concerts for some of my favourite bands.

Everyone is giving you good advice, I just wanted to add my congratulations on your achievement!  Starting a friendship group, wow!   I can barely manage to go to something like that!  I don't really have any advice for you, just keep on being your amazing self and I'm sure people will see that and like you.

I agree with everyone, this thread is an awesome idea! 

For me, it's things like walking or sitting in bright sunshine and feeling that warmth on my skin, or petting my kitties.  Also hugging my partner close. 

So glad to hear you are feeling better!!

Thanks! 

Feather - reach for it every time you'd normally reach for physical contact with SO! 'Tell' write in the journal everything you would tell your SO if phones didn't need recharging and she was sitting next to you. Write 'letters never sent', or hopeful things that you think sound too silly or boring to post here.

I recently found my journal (sis gave it to me, has a pic of Wonder Woman on the covers). I haven't written in it in years. I think I'll claim it back and begin again, myself. I have a lot of things to ponder with some self-work I've been doing this week.

You've made it to midweek! That's something! And hurray for adjusted meds beginning to work!

Ooh, that's a good idea.  I'd probably write in it more if I had it with me during the day, too.  Thanks, and thanks for the well wishes!   

Definitely use your Wonder Woman journal! I think it's she's really cool (have always liked her as a powerful female role model) and I think she would cheer you on with your self work.   

Ugh, mails like that are the worst.     I think you did a great job of dissecting it, and of staying true to yourself and your boundaries.  Also, good on you for not sending this!  I agree that any reply is giving them what they want.  I'm glad you have a place where you can post it to vent and heal. 

A positive-ish update!  I saw my medication prescriber (psychiatrist? can never remember which is which), and told her how I had been feeling.  She was really understanding and nice, and upped my cymbalta dose by half. 4 days into taking the new dose, and I think it's finally starting to kick in.  I feel a bit more like myself, a bit higher energy and more motivated.  Feeling less overwhelmed, less bad thoughts and urges to hurt myself (basically back to normal background intrusive thoughts levels).

Wife#2 - Thanks for the words of support!  I brought a journal along with me this week, after seeing your post, but haven't been able to bring myself to write in it yet.  Perhaps I should start scheduling writing time? Dunno, when I try to over-schedule my evenings that never seems to work, but I can't seem to form a habit organically either.

Welcome!   

Your story sounds really rough, and I'm glad you've found somewhere to talk to people and share your story.  I'm super impressed at how brave you are to have shared all that with us, and at your determination to better yourself.  Go you! 

Three Roses, thank you so much.    I'm trying to cope with the self harm urges by drawing on myself instead. Sometimes with a red pen to mimic what I'd cut, but sometimes I use a sharpie to try out tattoo ideas or something.  It helps a bit with the urge to make everything...visible?

HOW did I let this get this bad? Why couldn't I listen to myself, my family, my friends? Why did I have to let the tears of one child trump everything I knew and send me into a marriage that at best was only ok. I've not been shown love. I have a hard time showing my husband love. I know why, but how do you explain that to his family, your family? I married him after he raped me. I stayed after he raped me again. He is a rapist and he's willing to try again to get what he wants.

You couldn't listen to yourself because you'd been conditioned not to listen to yourself, all throughout your childhood.  Being raised in an abusive environment (and neglect IS abuse) makes you vulnerable to other abusers.  I know, because I've fallen into a similar trap (only this was an abusive friend, so easier to break it off with legally speaking).  The cycle of abuse is primed to hoover you back in, show you love and kindness just when you're starting to think "no, this really isn't right," and cut you off from any other support.  From everything in this post, it sounds like a fairly textbook abusive relationship.  Which is to say - you're not at fault.  This happens to a lot of people (unfortunately) and people to whom it hasn't happened can't really understand, and a lot of them seem to lack the empathy to try.  Good for you in seeing the signs and being strong and finding the will to get out.  You can do this! 

I wish I could post more about recovery right now.  I wish I was doing better.  I called a therapist, they didn't have an appt available until next month but at least it's scheduled, right?  I dunno.  I'm falling apart right now, I feel like the water around me is above my head and I'm not doing a very good job of swimming.   

My entire life routine has been up-ended for two months now.  I've been traveling 2 hours away from home on Monday, staying in a hotel and working on-site for a client through Friday, and driving home (2 hours again) on Friday.  I've been working long days Mon-Thurs so I can start the drive at noon on Friday, and see my SO a little earlier (I have to stop in at my regular workplace on the way home for about half an hour as well).  This disruption, isolation (I'm eating most of my dinners out, and all of my dinners alone), and separation from SO and my two kitties is wrecking my (never perfectly stable) mental health.  I've also been suffering from IBS (still getting diagnosed, actually, but the GI is pretty sure that's what it is) and am still trying to find the right treatment for that, and scheduling appts around being 2 hours away from home all week is rough. Especially when I already hate calling doctors (don't really feel like whatever I am dealing with is a *real* issue), and have phone anxiety in general. 

So, despite trying things like reading recommended books on CPTSD, and meditating (though it's hard to make myself do that every night), I'm still feeling like a yawning chasm of despair a fair bit of the time.  My inner critic is winning some of the arguments I have with it because I just don't have the energy anymore, and whenever I go to the top of the stairs at work (I'm on the 2nd floor) I stare down and thoughts about jumping just pop into my mind.  More and more thoughts like that have been popping into my mind.  Things like just grabbing the scissors and slashing my wrists (I've had problems with self harm in the past, which I've mostly managed to not go back to despite feeling like this).  I've always had intrusive thoughts (as long as I can remember) but they get worse when I'm feeling passively suicidal - I feel like I actually want to do them, as opposed to just seeing something horrible that could happen.

I suppose hope is on the horizon, because my company is in the process of approving an extended stay hotel I found and negotiated a discounted rate with, so that my SO and kitties can come down and stay with me, and I'll be down here over weekends, too.  But still, I'm going to an office that doesn't have windows, a cubicle that isn't mine, isn't the one I carefully decorated to help my mental health over the course of 3 years. It's not even a full wall cubicle!  I feel so exposed, on all sides, all the time.  I just want to hide.  But I can't complain about the work, because my company is laying people off and this was my dept's way of keeping me utilized - sending me to this client site. However, when they asked me about going, that's not what it was, it was for a month, which I agreed to. It's now an unknown length of time, possibly 6 months, and I don't want to be down here in this city I don't know, where my friends aren't (yeah, I know, all *three* of my friends, but still). I want to look for another job.  But I feel guilty about that, because my boss is trying to be really accommodating in giving me the extended stay, and such, and the company is a good place to work, normally.  And a new company would just be another routine disruption, as well as the godawful trigger-y mess that is the job search process (* you mum, * you so much).

thank you so much for your reply.
Im so sorry you struggle too with this and I'm sorry your fiends said that to you.
I have heard that too when discussions happen (that i never started) about who's unstable and who's depressed. One guy told me in so happy, the most stable person at this college, i would never be depressed, when i was actually struggling with cptsd- didnt know back then, social anxiety, and was very depressed. I hid in my room and could only come out if i could face others and face putting on an act again. I dont think he even noticed my absence.

You're welcome! Thanks for the sympathy. Ugh, that sounds awful, that guy was really insensitive. I'm sorry you had to experience that, instead of having people there who understood, or at least didn't dictate your emotional experience.

But i also think it comes from- as i read in the article- there being such a separation between your true self- your inner experience- and the side you show to others.
No authentic relating can happen when it is that way.

That makes a lot of sense. Sometimes I feel like there's a wall of glass between me and everyone else. Or that once I go out to start hanging out with people, I automatically hide my unhappy side from myself, deep inside, so that I feel like I'm interacting with them as I am, but it's kinda a shallow interaction.

How interesting about body language.
I have to say, i did cry a lot when i read the articles about it online.
It reflects me so much, and my parents parenting if you want to call it parenting- they made me this way. Everything had to look good on the outside, i was never allowed to show *weakenss or feelings* and i was never allowed to as for help.
i had to grow up way before i was capable of taking care of myself.
Im so angry with them for causing me so much pain.

Yeah, I don't think that qualifies as parenting. Certainly not good parenting. I can definitely sympathise with that, my mum was always calling me too sensitive for showing emotions. I think being angry is appropriate, for that sort of * emotional abuse.

The person who said it was blind...but people whatever blind or not..they say it and it is still an invalidation, weather or not you can see the person!

So much yes!

Thank you so much. Do you mind if i ask where you are with apparent competence? ...how you are getting on? 

Thanks for asking!  I'm doing a bit better with my fiance, he can generally tell how I'm feeling. I've also been trying to be more honest with myself, at least, about how I feel, and really allowing myself to feel it.  Showing how I'm feeling to people besides my fiance is harder, but I have been trying to tell my close-ish friends (they'd be close if I was normal) how I feel if they ask, and since I've picked my friends really carefully (they have problems too, that they're working on, so they get it) they're good about responding well even if I don't show the right emotion.

I'm glad what I said helped! I hope you can find some connections in person, you deserve to feel that in your life!

"You know the best thing about aeroplanes? Apart from the peanuts in the little silver bags, I mean.

It's looking out of the windows at the clouds, and thinking, maybe I could go walking in there. Maybe it's a special place where everything's okay.

Sometimes I do go walking in the clouds, but it's just cold and wet and empty. But when you look out of a plane it's a special world... and I like that."
― Neil Gaiman (Sandman) 

Had to go looking for this quote, but I've always related to that imagery, to imagining that there's a special world up in the clouds, that they're as soft and fluffy as they look.

That sounds very frustrating to deal with.  I've definitely gotten "I would never have believed you were depressed!" from some of my friends, because I buried it so well until I was alone. Your emotions are yours, and they exist, even if they're not apparent to others, or others don't want to see them.  I've felt broken inside too, and overwhelmed, and all I wanted to make it stop - having people tell me I seemed fine would have been the most counter-productive thing ever!   Internet hugs (if you want them) from someone who's been there, or somewhere similar at least. 

If you don't mind a bit of advice for reading on the subject, look up "apparent competence."  It's a term used in DBT, to describe how someone can appear "ok" but be falling apart on the inside (as well as some other things, but that's not as relevant).  It describes how body language can completely disconnect from your mental state (in your case from dissociation), so that if you're telling them "I feel awful" your body language is saying "ehh, I'm alright" and most people use body language cues to read your emotional state.  Which is really unfortunate.  If you have people you are close with, or tend to talk about your emotions with, I would recommend telling them that your body language may not correspond with how you are feeling, and that how you say you are feeling is how you are feeling, and if they are unsure they should ask, not assume.  It's not an excuse for them invalidating your emotions, but resources you find explaining it could help them understand where you're coming from.

Welcome!  It is pretty awesome to find out that you're not alone.  As another new member, I can relate!