I haven't been to this site for a while (must be making progress!), and just discovered this post. Oscen - I could have written it!
I suffered emotional abuse (sometimes physical, but very rarely) from my older brother throughout my first 15 years. He was just a mean kid, and I was his favorite target. Literally whenever he saw me, he'd make sure I knew I was fat and weird - different from everyone else. I never fought back, and would easily get upset. My parents (fine, upstanding citizens both), because of their own issues, looked the other way and only got involved when I reached the breaking point and screamed at the top of my lungs. Then, they were telling me to calm down and wondering why I'd get so crazy. I learned quickly to hold it in, because the only way I could get him to stop would result in my parents being upset with me. Looking back, I realize that I knew my parents loved me, but I didn't FEEL it very often. They weren't there for me at the times I really needed them to be. I've talked with my brother about all of this recently (he's a changed person now), and have learned that he was being physically bullied by neighborhood kids as well as school bullies, and our parents didn't do anything to help him either. That was really eye opening for me.
My parents were loving and provided everything we ever needed. I did great in school, and had lots of friends. School was my safe place - everyone there respected me and I received lots of positive attention. I didn't realize that I'd suffered emotional abuse and emotional neglect all throughout childhood until I started processing everything a few years ago - when I hit my 40's. Because of the emotional abuse and neglect, I had ZERO self-esteem (again, without my knowledge). This resulted in me not sticking up for myself when I started to experience emotional abuse from my husband. It was awful, and went on for about 7 years until I snapped out of it and began "figuring out my *" (as I like to put it).
Have you looked into CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect)? This is exactly what I experienced from my parents. Once I learned about CEN and CPTSD, I finally understood what was happening to me. I feel extremely lucky to have "figured out my *", and even luckier because my husband has also figured out his, and is a completely changed person. He is the loving, supportive man I always knew he was deep down. Best of all, I've started developing some self-esteem. While I may be triggered and fall into a flashback occasionally (rarely, now), never will I allow myself to be abused again. If the abuse ever begins again, I'll cut that person from my life.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. I don't know why we feel the need for such validation, but I certainly do. It's been hard to make that switch from "I didn't suffer enough abuse to feel this way" to "I was abused and neglected as a child (and as an adult), and it had a profoundly negative impact on me and my mental health that I'm still working through".
I suffered emotional abuse (sometimes physical, but very rarely) from my older brother throughout my first 15 years. He was just a mean kid, and I was his favorite target. Literally whenever he saw me, he'd make sure I knew I was fat and weird - different from everyone else. I never fought back, and would easily get upset. My parents (fine, upstanding citizens both), because of their own issues, looked the other way and only got involved when I reached the breaking point and screamed at the top of my lungs. Then, they were telling me to calm down and wondering why I'd get so crazy. I learned quickly to hold it in, because the only way I could get him to stop would result in my parents being upset with me. Looking back, I realize that I knew my parents loved me, but I didn't FEEL it very often. They weren't there for me at the times I really needed them to be. I've talked with my brother about all of this recently (he's a changed person now), and have learned that he was being physically bullied by neighborhood kids as well as school bullies, and our parents didn't do anything to help him either. That was really eye opening for me.
My parents were loving and provided everything we ever needed. I did great in school, and had lots of friends. School was my safe place - everyone there respected me and I received lots of positive attention. I didn't realize that I'd suffered emotional abuse and emotional neglect all throughout childhood until I started processing everything a few years ago - when I hit my 40's. Because of the emotional abuse and neglect, I had ZERO self-esteem (again, without my knowledge). This resulted in me not sticking up for myself when I started to experience emotional abuse from my husband. It was awful, and went on for about 7 years until I snapped out of it and began "figuring out my *" (as I like to put it).
Have you looked into CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect)? This is exactly what I experienced from my parents. Once I learned about CEN and CPTSD, I finally understood what was happening to me. I feel extremely lucky to have "figured out my *", and even luckier because my husband has also figured out his, and is a completely changed person. He is the loving, supportive man I always knew he was deep down. Best of all, I've started developing some self-esteem. While I may be triggered and fall into a flashback occasionally (rarely, now), never will I allow myself to be abused again. If the abuse ever begins again, I'll cut that person from my life.
Thank you SO MUCH for posting this. I don't know why we feel the need for such validation, but I certainly do. It's been hard to make that switch from "I didn't suffer enough abuse to feel this way" to "I was abused and neglected as a child (and as an adult), and it had a profoundly negative impact on me and my mental health that I'm still working through".